And then shake it up.
Is it weird that the weather often matches how I’m feeling? Perhaps I’m just looking for it. Today is calm and cool and a little drizzly. So nice. I’m listening to lots of appropriate music, too. Lots of Nick Drake and Martin Sexton. Oooh how I love some Martin Sexton.
I’ve been working hard lately. I really like work… mostly. I helps that it’s all work for those that I love, for my life. It’s all relevant work. I see now that the ways in which I was lazy or distracted in my youth or in my pre-baby life had less to do with my work ethic and more to do with the fact that it didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t see my purpose in it. I mean, yeah, I could make sense out if it if I wanted. Mostly that came down to some version of "don’t get in trouble", which I don’t think is a good reason to do anything. Then it was about money, which is a fancier version of "don’t get in trouble". My life now, though, with it’s fair share of overwhelmed, brow-wiping, sigh-heaving moments, is so gratifying. I do the things I do because I want to. I want to nourish my family and friends. I want a warm and easy home. I want to be strong and healthy. I want to watch things grow strong and healthy with my care. I want to foster love in everything I do. It’s all happening!
Jeff and I are actively working to rid ourselves of our dependency on a system that keeps us working too hard for things that don’t matter and are ultimately destructive. I always wonder where I’ll be in another year. Things change so fast for us. I’ve basically settled on the realization that, to quote Derrick Jensen, "civilization is not, and can never be, sustainable." Yeah… I’ll talk more about this in a separate entry, but this realization is going to affect many aspects of my life and thoughts. I no longer am holding on to the misconception that we can maintain this way of life, not by a long shot. I suppose I wasn’t really hanging onto that idea, but there was a part of me that was kind of waiting until we cleaned this all up and worked it out. So. We have been really thinking hard about how to deal with this, and ultimately how to live our lives in a moral way. It isn’t easy to think about. We feel as if our whole foundation is being shaken. However, it’s also clear to us that if we don’t shake our own foundation then it will crumble beneath us, and I’d prefer to change my own life thankyouverymuch. I’m also dealing with feelings of anger towards the majority of human life- for their unwillingness to change, for their destructiveness, for their shortsightedness and selfishness. I know we can do better than this, and I believe we’re worth saving. But damn, can we be destructive and stupid little buggers. It leaves me a little stranded at times. I now see all sorts of ways in which my life is destructive, and it’s hard for me to see how to change it. All the more reason TO change it, I think. I’m sure there are loads of people who feel that way, unable to move forward. If we can do it, then so can they. All it takes is me, and then you. And then we are us. And then we have a new world. I have to keep that in mind every day. That as complicated as it can seem, it really is that simple. I guess, what I mean to say is, it’s hard to do, but it’s simple. We know how to fix this problem, we just don’t do it. I’m trying to figure out how to do it now, because I have no more excuses.
I’ve got lots of before and after posts coming. We’ve just done so much with the house and we want to record it in some way. I love before and after pictures. One really good thing creating an apartment in our basement does (aside from making a home for a good friend), is it forces us to go through all our shit. I think it’s amazing that we are going to be fully unpacked only 6 months after moving in. Wild. I was sure it would take us years. I’ve also been able to seriously purge. I don’t know how we collected all this crap that we don’t need, or even look at, but convince ourselves to keep in a box somewhere "just in case". I’m really trying to teach myself discernment in that area. It’s harder than it sounds.
Now, pictures of flowers, garden, and baby.
I’m loving all of the new color in the garden. With tomatoes ripening, it’s just beautiful out there.
The old owners left us with all sorts of viney pretty things, and this one looks like it’s going to bloom! I’ll have to figure out the names of these things…
It’s getting harder and harder to get a picture of this little one. But that won’t stop me from trying!
A sea of kale. Yum.
Quote of the day:
"I’ve got a little faith on the table
Find a little hope in the jar
There’s got to be sanity ’round here somewhere
And then shake it up. " (Martin Sexton)
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Great entry. I’m feeling really empathic to some of the thoughts you describe. Right now I feel caught between the practicalities of the life I have the need to push forwards with the life I want Zakary to absorb which unfortunately feels a little too radical for the environment we live in. Sometimes I fantasize about just moving to a more communal living situation where we can really embrace slef sufficiency but that really couldn’t happen without some significant upheaval as there is no scope for that where I live. Trying to find the middle ground is tricky :S
Decluttering is so good for the soul. I took 3 bags to the charity shop just today and felt sooo much better.