We said goodbye to my brother yesterday. He won’t be back to visit until Christmas. It was good, all in all. He has shown me that I don’t need to worry about him like I thought I did. My sister and I were concerned for a minute there. I think he’ll be fine. I wasn’t really prepared for my reaction to his leaving though. I knew I’d be sad, but when he gave me a hug before he drove away I burst into tears. He just hugged me and said softly “It’s okay. It’s okay.” It was a strange and good experience. I have never really needed comfort from him, he’s kind of a distracted and aloof guy, and I am fairly emotionally independent when it comes to him- we just like to have fun together and hang out, but I really needed his love yesterday. I hope he knows how much I love him.
I guess this also meant a change in our relationship to him, which compounds my feelings. He will likely be living states away for a long time to come. Of course I can’t be sure of this, but I know him, I know his talent, and I know that he can’t find a home for himself here unless his plans change. I’m extremely happy for him, I just will miss him like crazy.
If there was anything I could’ve done before I got married it would be to travel. I had opportunities, but I never took them. For some reason, I think I was supposed to stay put. I think I would’ve ended up in the Peace Corps or something similar and I never would’ve married Jeff, or had Vera. I absolutely would never trade them for anything. I will say that there is a part of me that twinges for that kind of experience, but I must remind myself of two things- first, my life is a total adventure and second, I have so much more of my life to live. I am very happy that I am young and doing the things that I’m doing. If I planned my life according to what I think I won’t have time for, then I’m planning for death, which is a foolish thing to do.
On to lighter news, Vera is changing so quickly! It’s really amazing sometimes. Just yesterday and today she’s seemed so much more alert and aware. I guess aware is really the word to use, she’s always been alert. I’m starting to see pockets of personality, and she’s making so many new noises- and I’m starting to interpret some of them! For instance, I can tell which noise is an “I’m bored hold me!” noise versus an “I’m hungry!” noise. She’s also using her hands much more. She’s started to grab on to her pacifier. She’s also sucking her fingers and fists. She’s also very squirmy. She kicks and squirms all over the place. I’m having to buckle her into her chair now. I’m still dying of love.
I have been trying to catch what I call “milky face” for a while now. I got it. It’s right after she nurses and she’s in this sort of stoned content place. I love it.
The sampler scarf I’m knitting.
lent me the pattern for it so that I can learn more techniques and patterns and stuff. It’s amazing how zen knitting can be. It soothes the soul after a busy day.
This day was also my baby sister Clara’s 18th birthday! Gah! We are all grown up now. My parents are no longer legally obligated to any of us. Gretchen and I were joking about how we should present them with a cheesy certificate of completion or something like that. I think we really should, it would be funny. Mail it to them or something, have it signed by all of us. I’m sure I can forge my brother’s signature.
Bonus pictures (in honor of my siblings this week):
Anyway, I’m feeling much brighter today. I have lots of work and planning and crafts and projects and gardening and whatever to do- I have a feeling this summer is going to be amazing. I see it being peaceful and busy, with lots of people around, good food, and of course my growing baby. Life is really really good.
I’m going to reuse a quote that I used not that long ago. I feel like it’s just so good for today.
Quote of the Day:
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell