Family. my thoughts. a squirmy baby. resting.

We said goodbye to my brother yesterday. He won’t be back to visit until Christmas. It was good, all in all. He has shown me that I don’t need to worry about him like I thought I did. My sister and I were concerned for a minute there. I think he’ll be fine. I wasn’t really prepared for my reaction to his leaving though. I knew I’d be sad, but when he gave me a hug before he drove away I burst into tears. He just hugged me and said softly “It’s okay. It’s okay.” It was a strange and good experience. I have never really needed comfort from him, he’s kind of a distracted and aloof guy, and I am fairly emotionally independent when it comes to him- we just like to have fun together and hang out, but I really needed his love yesterday. I hope he knows how much I love him.
I guess this also meant a change in our relationship to him, which compounds my feelings. He will likely be living states away for a long time to come. Of course I can’t be sure of this, but I know him, I know his talent, and I know that he can’t find a home for himself here unless his plans change. I’m extremely happy for him, I just will miss him like crazy.
If there was anything I could’ve done before I got married it would be to travel. I had opportunities, but I never took them. For some reason, I think I was supposed to stay put. I think I would’ve ended up in the Peace Corps or something similar and I never would’ve married Jeff, or had Vera. I absolutely would never trade them for anything. I will say that there is a part of me that twinges for that kind of experience, but I must remind myself of two things- first, my life is a total adventure and second, I have so much more of my life to live. I am very happy that I am young and doing the things that I’m doing. If I planned my life according to what I think I won’t have time for, then I’m planning for death, which is a foolish thing to do.

On to lighter news, Vera is changing so quickly! It’s really amazing sometimes. Just yesterday and today she’s seemed so much more alert and aware. I guess aware is really the word to use, she’s always been alert. I’m starting to see pockets of personality, and she’s making so many new noises- and I’m starting to interpret some of them! For instance, I can tell which noise is an “I’m bored hold me!” noise versus an “I’m hungry!” noise. She’s also using her hands much more. She’s started to grab on to her pacifier. She’s also sucking her fingers and fists. She’s also very squirmy. She kicks and squirms all over the place. I’m having to buckle her into her chair now. I’m still dying of love.

April 14th:
I have been trying to catch what I call “milky face” for a while now. I got it. It’s right after she nurses and she’s in this sort of stoned content place. I love it.

April 15th:
My mom comes over on Tuesdays sometimes after she has tea with a friend who lives a few blocks away. The weather has been PERFECT- really, my favorite kind of weather.

April 16th:
The sampler scarf I’m knitting.

 lent me the pattern for it so that I can learn more techniques and patterns and stuff. It’s amazing how zen knitting can be. It soothes the soul after a busy day.
This day was also my baby sister Clara’s 18th birthday! Gah! We are all grown up now. My parents are no longer legally obligated to any of us. Gretchen and I were joking about how we should present them with a cheesy certificate of completion or something like that. I think we really should, it would be funny. Mail it to them or something, have it signed by all of us. I’m sure I can forge my brother’s signature.

April 17th:
She looked a lot how I felt yesterday, saying goodbye. Although maybe that’s just how I saw her. She looks like this all the time.

April 18th:
I got some free glass jars from a moving sale a couple of weeks ago. I love them and I put some of my loose spices in them.

Bonus pictures (in honor of my siblings this week):

Gretchen and Obeth and lil Tuula (their first family pictures):

This was Ben at his going away party (playing guitar as always). I loved the sun hitting him that way.

My Clara.

And a family picture, just cuz I’m feeling that way…

Anyway, I’m feeling much brighter today. I have lots of work and planning and crafts and projects and gardening and whatever to do- I have a feeling this summer is going to be amazing. I see it being peaceful and busy, with lots of people around, good food, and of course my growing baby. Life is really really good.

I’m going to reuse a quote that I used not that long ago. I feel like it’s just so good for today.
Quote of the Day:
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell


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Comments (15)

  1. lilpeace

    Those were the days…back when I could squat :).

    1. Gracie (Post author)

      haha. Yeah, I remember you used to squat all the time… the good ol’ days!

  2. purerandomness

    I love the chubby cheeks on Vera! Too cute.

    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Isn’t she just a chunker? I love it! She had those cheeks from the first day.

  3. unicorntapestry

    Man. I really love you guys. Really really

    1. Gracie (Post author)

      We love you too. I’ve told them all that you are gonna come visit… so you MUST! Mwahahahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHA!

  4. pithy_epigrams

    You all are lovely.

    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Aw what a nice thing to say! I think that your family seems super great from all I’ve heard about them. It’s a blessing to be from a good bunch.

  5. nashifeet

    i love your posts

    i love the milk face. grace had those too.

    1. Gracie (Post author)

      I am glad we are lj friends! I love reading about your world.

      I’m picturing Grace’s milky face… haha I bet she was adorable!

  6. see_anotherside

    Milky face is awesome. The family photos are lovely, too.

    What’s Ben going to do? It sounds like he was really touched by your reaction. I kinda had a similar thing with my brother – well, all my family actually – when I was first leaving for England in 2006. I got unexpectedly emotional when I said goodbye, even to the ones I don’t have a particuarly close bond with. At times like that it’s normal for real emotions to make themselves known.

    You’re right, you know. Life is an adventure. And yours is an interesting read. 🙂

    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Hey you! It’s nice to see you on here. Are you back in Liverpool? How are things?

      That’s cool about your family. I wonder if without that kind of prompting we would show them how we really feel… it’s probably a blessing!

      1. see_anotherside

        Things are fine in the pool, thanks for asking. But we are already looking for a new house!

        That’s an interesting point. It probably is a good thing that even though it might take a big event to bring out our real feelings, at least they do come out then. I’m all for honesty and openness but I’m not great at expressing myself (Ste is the only person I can really do that with) so otherwise I might not let certain people know I love them. It’s something I should work on.

  7. Anonymous

    her eyes look SO blue in the pic with your mom! Are we going out to lunch this week?

    1. Gracie (Post author)

      I was thinking next Tuesday. Is everyone free? Funny you should mention the blue- I am about to post new pictures and… you’ll see.


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