At first I was very angry with her. I thought that we would never stop being friends. She had been practically family to me for 8 years. I would get hung up on details- she did this to me, I can’t believe I didn’t see this, etc. Now I’m not angry anymore. I still miss what we had sometimes, but I know that it was what it was and ended exactly when it was supposed to. I think that was hard for me to understand for a while.
Our relationship was a complicated one on many levels. We cared for each other deeply, to an almost unhealthy degree. We shared our entire adolescence together, which was intense and fabulous and scary. We shared experiences and feelings that I will never share with another friend. We were wild and creative and dangerous. We helped and hurt each other over and over. It’s sometimes bittersweet to look back over our friendship. I see now that we were terribly codependent. I see my part in even the things I was most angry with her for. My new adult eyes sometimes don’t see things as romantically as they once did. But one thing that I have not thought twice about is the value that our time together held. I know that we were in each other’s lives for a purpose.
Over the past year I have had many dreams about her. She seeps in, sometimes it’s sad and other times it’s really nice. I think that these dreams, although sometimes troubling, have helped me cope with and understand my loss. Dreaming is an area I have little control over, and as a result has shown me a lot about myself and my true feelings on this subject. We used to love this song that said “I love you even when I’m sleeping” and I think that still holds true for me.
Only recently has it become increasingly apparent that I needed to heal in this area of my life. I spent time being angry and sad, I even felt like I had accepted it when I really hadn’t. But I had a moment a while ago where I thought about her and felt totally peaceful. I felt grateful that I knew her and that we spent that time together. I no longer felt that twinge of resentment and betrayal that I used to when I thought of her. I used to look at my wedding pictures and feel sad about it all, but now I think of her in them and can accept that we were an important part of each other’s lives, and that it can just be that. We are still beautiful together.
What occured to me as I felt these things was that I was actually letting her go. I had gotten to that place where I can forgive her and myself for the ickiness of the past. In addition to feeling free, it felt sad. A heaviness settled over me as if to tell me “You can’t have her anymore!” But I think it also freed me up to love her again, and to love myself.
Anyway, it makes me think about the cycle of life, of all things. You throw a bunch of old useless scraps into one place for long enough and it’s purpose becomes clear. It turns into nutrient rich soil that can condition and nourish new life. It would be foolish for me to mourn the loss of this friendship, although I think I may always miss her. I need to spend my time moving forward and loving what I’ve learned. Anyway, it’s her birthday today, and I can say with total confidence that I am very glad that she was born and is in this world.
That all being said, I have to say that I feel close to the healthiest I’ve ever been- both emotionally and physically. This past year has shown me so much it’s hard to even see it all clearly. I feel excited about most days, and on the days that I don’t, the universe is usually teaching me something new. I am learning more about who I am, what I believe, and who I want to become. I feel humbled and grateful most of the time, and when I don’t I’m on the road to feeling that way. My partnership with Jeff grows stronger everyday, and the same can be said for my friendships. This has been a good year, but it would not have been so fruitful without all of that shit to help me grow.
Life is good, even when it’s not.
So that is an example of how my life is continuously reminiscent of a big pile of compost.
The song “Angry Anymore” by Ani D has been in my head all day long. If you get a chance you should listen to it… it’s great. I’ll post a link later.