Ahhh! Sometimes I feel like I have to puke. It’s just because my head can’t deal with the stress all on its own so it enlists the help of my stomach.
I’m not sure if one of my best friends is even my friend at all! It recently came to my attention that I can’t remember when I wasn’t totally worried about whether or not she was happy, or upset, or if I wasn’t standing up for myself enough, or if I’m being a good enough friend, etc. The list goes on and on. It’s like I’ve been on a perma-guilt trip. Every complaint that I have can be turned into my fault.
I know that this is not just her doing. I’ve let it happen and therefore I hold the responsibility as much as she does. The thing is, I can be perfectly nice to her, and she’ll just be mean. She is! She’s mean! to me! Sometimes she’s nice, but ya know… Not that often, really. FUCK, this is really unpleasant. It’s like I’m angry because I have been functioning all this while thinking that she’s someone to rely on. Maybe she is. I’d be so happy to be overreacting- which I probably am a little, but I think the overall sentiment stands. Something is rotting.
Every day it’s like I have to prove something to her. I haven’t given her enough time, I don’t know what’s going on in her life because I’m always with Jeff. But hello? When the fuck was the last time she asked me about what’s going on in my life? What about the fact that in the reverse situation, when she hasn’t burned all her bridges, she rarely designates time for me. We go out to coffee to have an alone night and she’s practically talking on the phone the entire time. She’ll literally invite people to come join us in front of me and then ask me if it’s okay after she’s off the phone.
Fuck it. I need a nap. Hopefully I can do the right thing. Hopefully I can know what the right thing IS.
Harlowe told me today: “Ya know Grace, it’s alright to not be friends with someone anymore if they aren’t really your friend” or something along those lines, and it was serious poetry. Sometimes you just hear things in a different way. Maybe because you grew up a little over night.
that’s all for now.