I will not let fear rule my life… say that three times fast.
On Tuesday I skipped my classes, all except the one with a test. Why? Because there was a 2 minute presentation in one so I completely shut down and gave up on my day.
That last presentation that I gave was a group one, which was really encouraging. However, I think I hit a wall now that it’s up to just me. I was completely crippled by my own fear. Grrr. Anyway, at that last one this girl that sits in front of me turned around, panicked, and said, “I just wanna get this over with, oh my god, i hate this…” and “I can’t graduate because I can’t take a speech class”. I remember thinking ‘Wow, there are more like me…’ and feeling intense relief just thinking about it like that.
Ever since that day I’ve been tempted to ask her to hang out, talk about our experiences and fears, and help each other through it. But of course my imposter spoke up and told me that she wouldn’t understand, and that I would be a fool if I did that. Yesterday, we were both taking the test and I thought “Today would be a really good day to take some steps in the right direction.” I thought that if I happened to find myself in a good position to strike up a conversation with her than I would. We finished the test at the same time, we walked down the same hallway, down the same 3 flights of stairs, through the same parking lot, and as we started to part ways I finally asked her. She was friendly and gave me her number and I gave her mine. I felt brave and accomplished, like it didn’t even matter if it turned out well, just that I asked was good enough. I wasn’t two minutes away when she called me. She said she had an hour to kill and that we could talk then if i wanted. So I turned around. We talked for an hour- about our fears in that area, our families, how we felt as kids, how our friends treat us, art, etc. We talked about taking walks together soon… we only live a few blocks away from each other. She told me that she was really glad I approached her and that she felt like I understand her. It turned out so well I could just die.
It was like I was a little girl again, and I walked up to another little girl, took her hand, and asked her to be my friend. She said yes 🙂
Anyway, I also emailed my teacher and told her the truth about what happened. She wrote me back in several, very wise paragraphs, that sum up like this: “You can do it and I’ll see you Thursday”. So that’s what’s looming. I must do it. I have to.
So now I’m sitting here, trying to work it all out, get it done, do the right thing… and again in order to cope my brain has ceased to work. What a lovely thing. WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL?!?! Whatever, no one is.
I was listening to this funny story on This American Life and it got me thinking about the problem of evil. I started thinking that the story of Adam and Eve doesn’t work… logically.
My thoughts are as follows:
If Adam and Eve were sinless before taking the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, then how could they be blamed for eating it to begin with? Only after they had eaten it were they aware of evil- so why are they, namely Eve, to be blamed for the fall of all man?
Are we to conclude that by not sinning (eating of the fruit) we are doomed to a life of sin, only to result in our damnation if we do not repent for something that was beyond our control?
Fine, fine, so the snake knew that it would result in corruption of their minds, but why did God expect these two blank slates that were his chosen ones to not listen to one of the creatures in the garden? God expected that they would obey him, or do the right thing, which in fact had no meaning until AFTER they ate.
The story is flawed, and either means that: a)Adam and Eve had the ability to sin and know right from wrong before eating from the tree, or b) God wanted them to become sinful creatures (in order to have free will and give meaning to the whole shebang) and allowed them to do so in spite of the consequences for his people. Either way, God didn’t want his people to remain sinless and in the garden, and if he had he wouldn’t have given them the ability to waiver in their obedience to him… Thoughts?
Now if only I could think about my project and not the fall of man.
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Ah, I’m pretty much the same way. Sure, most people get nervous when they have to give presentations and whatnot, but I get fucking frightened. Full body fear, breathing difficulties etc. I always want to run away or skip the class but I just have to force myself to go through with it. The last time I did something like that I sort of messed it up as I wasn’t prepared, but I tend to mess stuff up anyway – I’m sure you’ll be fine, Grace. Best of luck! And it’s great that you made a friend to talk to about it.
Regarding the whole Adam and Eve thing, you raise a good point. I hadn’t thought of that.