Where I am.

The past 3.5 months have felt like one big long exercise in patience. I have had ups and downs with the healing of my brain injury, and the more I fight the reality of it, the worse it feels. My life has been really affected. I mean, imagine seeing everything pretty clearly all your life and then suddenly living in a fog- and not really knowing when, or if, the clouds will part. The past few weeks have felt harder to handle, too. It's just been such a while and I'm anxious to be done with this. I push through my day trying to be a mother and a friend and a homemaker and whatever else, and end it feeling a bit like I've failed at all of it. I shut myself into my dim room and try to find my peace again. I am constantly battling fatigue, confusion, headaches, light sensitivity, soreness, nausea, mood swings, and grief.

But this is not meant to be a sad entry. What's amazing to me is that in the midst of it all I can still feel myself and my strength. Self-pity can get the best of me sometimes, but I'm still here, doing my best to get better and to live my life where I am. I know that I don't get more than I can handle. I also know that everything that has challenged me has brought me through to the place I am supposed to be. In my better moments (which are many!), I feel gratitude and strength and perspective and just an immense sense of faith in the world and my purpose. I am learning something here. I am figuring out how to surrender. How to ask for help. How to listen to myself. I'm good at watching and listening to others, but not so great at knowing what it is that I need. I'm 28 years old and I plan to be around for a while. It's probably about time I learn how to really hear my own voice and allow the universe to share it's grace with me. 

I am finding a lot of solace in the natural world lately. Watching my environment, all dormant and muted, makes me feel a bit less like an outsider. I just started seeking some extra therapy for my injury, and the woman I'm seeing said I probably have another 3 months to go until I am better. This made me happy for a couple of reasons- first, because I no longer have to wonder when this is all going to end. Second, because it means that right around the time I'm planting the first seeds in my garden and the leaves are starting to bud on the trees and the all of the green starts to come up through the gray brown of winter… I will awaken too. Gratitude. 

I have an ever renewing love for my Jeff, too. He's held me while I cried, listened to me rant, and just taken care of all those little things when I am not as strong. Really, all the people that I love have been amazing and supportive and validating. I have sometimes wondered what it would be like if I or someone else was weak or sick, and now I know. My tribe is good and strong, and that feels wonderful. 

I am also recently identifying stressors and things in my life that aren't conducive to my healing, and I'm letting some of it go for now. Things as simple as keeping up with news and social networking stuff- being aware of events I don't feel up for, stuff that's happening in the world that I don't have control over… that kind of thing. It's not good for me to spend my energy doing much other than focusing on my own path. 

Anyway. That's where I am today


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