Wha huh?

Lately I’ve been feeling very… unseen. I don’t feel “invisible”, just, not payed attention to. Perhaps the only difference is that my hormones have balanced and I no longer see this as dramatically as I once did.

Jeff says that I have enough power over my energy to control all areas of my life. If I want to be in a certain group, then I will be. If I want to feel peaceful about my surroundings, then I will. Etc. I thought about it some, in spite of the inexplicable sinking feeling in my chest, and I realized that I have been controlling these parts of my life. In truth, I’ve been incredibly happy for a while- right where I want to be. So why would I mourn places and people and feelings and attention that I don’t actually want?

I always rely on a good night’s sleep to help me feel refreshed about a situation. Sleep helped some, but I still have this dark feeling. I need to stay open and relaxed. I also shouldn’t draw conclusions or start feeling insecure about things.
I know this is a cryptic entry, and it really doesn’t mean anything specific. I’m not even sure what I mean. It’s just a combination of things, probably a long time coming.

I am just usually so contented. I trust that people like and respect me. I trust the process. Today I feel like I’m having a hard time doing/believing those things. I’m also finding myself wishing that I were a certain way, and that is silliness and absolutely not helpful.

Jeff has been very encouraging and helpful. He knows that sometimes I feel overlooked- it’s just because of my personality. I tend to be a little quieter, less controversial in social settings, more empathetic (which can result in feeling a little emotionally neglected and overworked by others), less likely to cause fights, etc. I’ve always dealt with being a little less visible from time to time. He, however, makes me feel valued and smart and lovely. I hardly have to explain anything to him about this and he gets it. I feel so fortunate to have him as my partner.

The best medicine for me is to take it easy tonight. I’m going to leave work, buy some plants with my sis, clean up a bit, water the garden, exercise, make a nice dinner, read for a while and maybe paint, and then watch some Lost.
I’ve been using this website, and recently started watching Lost to see what all the hubub was about. Well I’m hooked. I’m only on like the 5th episode of the first season, but I like it. It’s muy entertaining.

I feel almost bad posting this, I haven’t had a “low” entry in so long…

Jeff said something interesting yesterday. I was hurrying to get the planting of the last raised bed done before we had to go out for the rest of the day. He was setting up the drip hoses. I snapped at him for not being careful enough with it with the plants, and he just looked at me and asked me if something was wrong. I got up and apologized for snapping. He hugged me and said “Isn’t it funny when we have all the time in the world but it’s just not enough?”

Yeah.

Gracie
Gracie

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Comments (14)

  1. aquacfoamshame

    I like and respect you. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Also, I have season 1 and 2 of Lost on DVD. It’s the only thing that can keep me awake past 10 PM on a week day because it’s the best show ever.

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Thanks, Beth. I’m feeling a lot better with some encouragement ๐Ÿ™‚
      And yes, maybe we can watch Lost sometime soon! Jeff has it set up so I can watch them anytime on my TV. It’s like On Demand without the bill!

      Reply
  2. pearlstreetdiva

    my sister is addicted to lost also and she has told me some about it…i think it sounds awesome. too bad with a baby you get to choose only a couple of leisurely activities to do regularly…haha

    grace i think you are a superbly awesome totally rad woman. and i wish i could eat with you more often…

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      I so wish you lived up here still! You are such a good friend ๐Ÿ™‚ Sometimes I think we all need a reminder about how wonderful we are. Has anyone told you how wonderful you are today? Well, you are super duper wonderful.

      Reply
  3. csgraham

    Your feelings are valid. Nobody likes you and you should feel bad.

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Right back at ya! I looove your icon.

      Reply
  4. see_anotherside

    It is normal to get somewhat insecure, but I’m sure people do like you as you are… just from reading your posts on here, I can tell you’re a wonderful person!

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      I appreciate hearing that it’s normal. I can tell myself over and over that it is, but sometimes it just has to come from another source. I think you’re wonderful too ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  5. Gracie (Post author)

    Yay for new LJ friends! You seem very nice, and I like your chooky kitties.
    Yes. very addicting. Last night Jeff and I were watching the one where the prego girl is out in the jungle with the druggy boy and the crazy dude is just standing there all scary-like!!! I had to stop watching and go to bed- if I didn’t I would’ve been stuck there for waaay too long.

    Reply
  6. pithy_epigrams

    Sorry to hear you have been feeling bad. What’s kind of funny is, when I read this I completely understood your feelings. But in the opposite sense. I am usually the out spoken, confrontational, loud person. What’s bad about this is, you can’t disappear. And now as I’m older, and hopefully wiser, I wish I could sometimes. I guess we both need to find some medium? I will send some visibility energy your way, and can you send me some quiet and calm my way?

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Consider it sent. That’s interesting that you have the opposite problem. I should keep that in mind next time I feel this way. Balance tends to be the answer to situations like this!

      Reply
  7. kazzibee

    a good night sleep is GREAT for my moods… but THREE CONSECUTIVE good nights sleep is so much better!

    In fact just ONE good night sleep followed by 2 crappy ones is more annoying than 3 in a row!

    Sleep is so lovely. And good for you!

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Mmmm sleeeeep. I think you should be a sleepologist. OR a sleepographer. or a sleepist. Or a sleeperoni and cheese. hm.

      Reply
      1. kazzibee

        holy sleepolรฉ!

        I am most definitely a sleepist. Garyann is too! BUT HE WORKS A DIFFERENT SHIFT. dammit.

        Mmmmmm cheese.

        Reply

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