I threw a tantrum today. To preface this, I had just spent a pretty restless night with little Asa- he wasn’t crying, but just grunting and squirming and lightly fussing. He spent most of the night half-asleep on my chest, nursing here and there and trying to get comfortable. It was just one of those nights. But that, paired with the fact that Vera is sick with some feverish/cold type thing and she’s just a bit more needy, and Jeff is going to be gone most of the day doing somewhat recreational things… I just pouted. I woke up feeling entirely unreasonable and with a headache, then had coffee and felt better. I felt peaceful, even, and told myself I was going to have a good attitude. But then it came time for Jeff to leave and Asa was fussing… I walked around saying it wasn’t fair and that I didn’t want to do it. I said I would do it, but I really didn’t want to. Jeff just anxiously looked at me, saying how bad he felt not to be able to help much today and that he was grateful for my service. I sort of shrugged him off, said "Yeah, sure." and then I walked around with Asa in the yard (because he’s calmer outside for some reason, just like his mama). As Jeff drove off I gave him an insincere wave.
Then I felt guilty. I felt bad for feeling so grumpy when I know that it’s not everyone that gets a full 4 weeks with their spouse around to help with the new baby. I know that there are so many out there who have much bigger problems than I have… BUT, I’m not going to waste my time feeling guilty or comparing myself to others. I don’t think it does any good beyond lending a little perspective. I know I’m not an entirely ungrateful person, I just had an ungrateful moment(s). I think I just feel a little nervous about doing this on my own. Will I be patient enough? Will I be able to get what I need? Will I be grumpy all the time and take it out on Jeff? Will I do right by these kids, even when I’m tired or overwhelmed? I think the answer is: Not always. But I can do this. I know I can. I am doing it. It’s one of those things that you just have to DO, building endurance like a runner. Plus, new babies are a bit hard at times, and it will calm down soon. I just need to build these new skills, and I need to learn how to balance that with what I need, too.
I know all these things, but it didn’t stop me from feeling bitter today. Then I thought about my last post, and felt a bit foolish. I should probably stop thinking so much, and just do the next thing a little more. I was recently talking with my sister about how people spend so much more time avoiding/dreading the task at hand than the time it takes to actually just DO it. And so it goes with so many things. My head was the toxic thing, not my actual situation. I know that I’ll be taken care of, I know that I’ll feel better soon. And I’ll get better at this. I decided that, in the spirit of my previous post, I’m going to try to focus on patient nurturing of things around me. That’s really what this is all about, anyway. Not keeping a clean house, not doing everything perfectly, but just having relationships, loving and being loved in return. The rest is just fine print. First project: My house plants. They are so neglected! You’d never guess that with the booming garden in back, but you have to actually twist my arm to get me to water the plants indoors. I’ll even put "WATER PLANTS" in bold on a list, and it’ll still go unchecked… I just don’t get it. But I think I need to do right by them now.
My sad Christmas cactus… wrinkled and neglected.
I’m going to update on my plants in exactly a month. So, September 20th. We’ll see how I do!
Quote of the day:
"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm." (Unknown)