Trouble

I am generally pretty optimistic and light-hearted. I’m never depressed anymore, and I tend to get through the inevitable mood swing by consciously being grateful and getting a little more sleep than usual. I’ve been fairly emotionally solid throughout my whole pregnancy, too, except for the occasional crankiness and uncertainty in the beginning, which I’m sure had as much to do with constant fatigue as anything else. Now I’m 7 months along, and just today I started to feel sort of… sad. I’m sure this will pass and I will get back to being excited and optimistic, but for now I have this lump in my throat and no solid reason for it.

I know it has something to do with the fact that I’m nearing the end- soon I will have a child to care for and everything will change. I am not sad about this! I’m actually totally excited. I am overwhelmed with all that I feel I have to do, the fact that I feel alone to do it (which is really in my head, but having to delegate responsibilities to even willing parties can sometimes be a daunting task), and just a general “how the fuck am I supposed to do this?” feeling.

I am also dealing with my changing body and the way I feel about it. The funny thing is, even back when my body was totally fresh and unscarred, I still felt plagued with uncertainty about it. I’m sure that’s just being young, but now, at 23, I’m looking back just 7 months and thinking “God, why wasn’t I more grateful for that?” I’m trying to gain some perspective on this, really. I know that at 17 I could easily point out the imperfections I thought I had, but now I think that’s a complete load of crap and that my perception was off. I know this will be true for me again. I know that it is only my perception that is keeping me from feeling content.

I also really want to be one of those women that celebrates her body, not one that looks on it with vanity and disdain. I think it has been hard for me to have my body change so quickly in just a matter of months. I saw my first silvery slivers below my belly button a couple of weeks ago, and I literally cried. I now realize that they are really not that noticeable, and also that 90% of women get them, but I couldn’t help but feel like my youth was fading. I’m glad that my only options are to A) feel sorry for myself and tell myself I’m not good enough or B) own these changes and accept them as part of my journey- battle scars or something valiant like that. I know myself, and I know that I will do option A sometimes, but I will land on option B. To achieve this, I need to be sure to spend time meditating on body-positive thoughts. I need to do more yoga- preferably every day. I need to walk and spend time exercising, just for general health and to help balance hormones. I need to focus on being happy to be a house for my child. How cool is that? I have a choice, and I can feel honored help this new life grow.

I guess I can have a sad day or two. Just writing this has helped me relax a little. When I’m feeling stressed I like to listen to the song “Trouble” by Ray LaMontagne. It just calms me for some reason.

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