…and not really in a good way. All morning I was running around and cleaning and whatnot, I visited with a friend for a while and went walking, then I had to deal with a very fussy hiccuping Vera until she passed out. I exercised, and then I caught my reflection. My hair was up in an extremely messy ponytail, I felt the post-prego-mom-belly looking extra prominent, and I realized I’d been wearing the same pair of stretchy pants for several days straight. Then Jeff called and I told him how disheveled I had become, and he laughed and said “haha I know isn’t it great?” As if to say that he’s known this all along and delights in it! Harumph! News to me… Anyhow, occasionally I am hit with a bout of self-pity, as all of us are some days. Let’s just say that my self-pity goggles were squeaky clean and ready to help me see all that I am not. I am usually profoundly in love with my life, and yet this morning left me serious and resentful.
I read some of this journal that I had laying around- it was filled with funny stuff from when I was a teenager, with my best friend at the time. We made a list of pro’s and con’s to decide whether or not I should travel around the country with my transient boyfriend. Here’s what it said, verbatim:
Should Gracie travel around the country?
-her best friend is all about the “hippie” feel, so why the fuck shouldn’t she go? I mean, let go and live!
-experience, what have we always thrived on?
-I have a free, caged spirit ready to soar. I’ll fly solo if I must but damn wouldn’t it be… (*note, song lyrics I believe)
-Oh, but we’re made to live past this town!
then it says “Perhaps, signs point to YEAH!”
-HS Diploma, what gives?
-I could get carried away in it all, Almost Famous baby, Almost Famous (*my then fav movie)
-feeling lost, not matching up to the system
-I could DIE
So I was laughing about this- some because I remember this time in my life, and we were sort of joking in some respects, but also not really… The things that were fun to me about this was: a) that my best friend and I were a total unit, and we just were. We made decisions together, we made lists about one person and immediately included the other person. We were just so tight. I miss that tightness with friends. It inevitably loosens as you enter into adulthood. Anyway. b) I love how drastic the two sides are. On the PRO side it is totally centered on feelings, and on the CON side there are some serious consequences… like I’d be skipping out on graduating and I’d be giving my parents a heart attack, which was at the time something worth considering…
Ok, cracked me up. And then it made me reflect on my current situation. I got to thinking about how my whole life feels different. And I mean that literally. I feel like a different person. You know how sometimes you catch a whiff of something and it brings you back to grandma’s house or something? Well, that’s what these notebooks do for me. They bring me back to a feeling. I have these memories not just of situations and people and experiences, but of the way I felt excited about that guy, or how passionate my best friend and I felt about our friendship, or how sneaking out felt in my body… the adrenaline. I miss that stuff sometimes. I guess I miss it less because of the things I did, because some of those things I do NOT want to live through again. But that passion, how I could feel my emotions through my whole body, that totally normal and healthy self-absorption, and the sense of adventure! Besides, I really had so much fun.
So yeah, nostalgia took the place of my self-pity and I started flipping through photos. My Jeff came home and rubbed my shoulders and took Vera. I wrestled with my pup on the floor. Then my sister and Katie came over and we went out for Mexican food. Now I’m home and I feel just as right as rain. I guess we all have our low days, with blurred vision and a hankering for what might-have-been. I see this as totally normal, and if I didn’t have those feelings then I’d probably be lying.
Oh, I forgot to mention though, in between reminiscing and Jeff coming home, I started listening to this over and over full blast and harmonizing and dancing with my baby through the house. I guess it was just kind of a weird day.
I forgot to mention that I’m going to start making kefir. I have the grains for it and everything, so I just have to “brew” it. I love the stuff!
Also, I have my whole garden planned out, but that’s for another day.
Quote of the day:
“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything good in the world.” -Helen Keller