I’m just gonna update all day today…
It’s pouring out right now, and almost 60 degrees. Strange after the 10 inches of snow we just had. I hate that we are killing the planet.
My paid account is running up in a few days. I don’t want to lose all my pictures in all my old entries, but I think I might if I don’t renew. Does anyone know for certain what happens when a paid account reverts back to what it was? I don’t really care about the scrapbook, or having to upload pics first into something like Flickr or whatever, but will they all disappear from my entries? I’m afraid that if they do then I’ll feel forced to have to pay for forever. I love looking over old entries and pictures when I get in the mood.
Jeff and I had a really good talk last night. We talked about how strange it feels to anticipate the unexpected. He said for some reason getting married was not as scary as becoming a parent- he felt like with us it was a new beginning, and with this baby it’s the end of a chapter of his life. He said he knows they are sort of the same kind of life change, but with marriage he got to know me and “test me out” etc. With a baby you just… are this person’s parent forever. We will always be parents now. He talked about he mourns his loss of freedom and opportunity, but knows that we can still do things we wanted to, we just may have to wait longer. He told me he’s happy we are young, and he looks forward to middle age with me with grown children- maybe we can go backpacking around the world with all the money we’ve saved… oh and we will save. He said he knows we’ll have a blast. He said he’s excited.
I’m so glad that we talk like that. I think that’s what will keep us together- the practice of open and honest communication. While of course I would love it if Jeff were completely confident and worry-free about this whole situation, I know that it’s not possible. Hell, I’m pretty scared myself. I really appreciate being able to have a truly safe and intimate partner in this way. I know that I can tell him the truth and he will take it for what it is. I only hope he feels I do the same. No ulterior motives, just a partnership. I love him so much, and I’m so glad that we are a family together. For a while it was hard for me to imagine anyone but my parents and siblings as my family, but it’s not hard at all to see him as just as much a part of me as they ever were. I am fantastically in love with him.
We have this hanging in our bedroom- It’s by Brian Andreas.
“In those days, we finally chose to walk like giants
& hold the world in arms grown strong with love
& there may be many things we forget in the days to come,
but this will not be one of them.”
Last note on baby stuff. I had the strangest and most obvious realization yesterday. I thought all of the sudden- there’s only one way for this baby to come out. Is there no other way? No. The path has been set.
It’s intense. I laughed at myself.
Today he’s moving a bunch of stuff from my grandparent’s house today with my brother. They are moving to an apartment and the house that my grandpa built himself is sold. At least it’s sold to a neighbor who they seem to think will appreciate the house for what it is. We will all really miss that place, so today I sent my camera with Jeff to take pictures of it. I feel sort of strange without it. My grandma is making them all sloppy joes. haha. I love it.
My cousin gave these to me for Christmas. They are just bulbs that sit on top of rocks. You just keep water up to the bottom of them, and then they “get beautiful” as she says. I’m liking them already.