This strange place

Lately I keep finding myself in this strange place- nothing is wrong, but something’s not quite right. I suppose it could easily be this huge transition we’re going through. Even though I’ve had a baby before, having another is just as big a change. I’m ecstatic, truly. I’m wildly in love with my life. Lately, though, I catch myself feeling a little less sure, a little less comfortable, more tired, more moody, less focused. I have these patches of time where I feel insecure, nervous, and overwhelmed- but for no reason I can think of. I take for granted that I’m largely able to understand myself. Even in those tense moments where I’m unreasonable or angry, if I have a little space then I’m usually able to reflect and come to a peace about a situation. Now? I don’t know. I feel a bit like I’m floating. Like I have work to do, but I’m not sure what. Perhaps this is one of those things I have to relax into- let it wash over me and do its work without my understanding. Hormones and humidity do funny things to me… So I’m just ignoring my chores and sipping some tea, and meditating a little while my girl naps.

I have this hanging on my fridge, and today it just feels right:

Go in peace.
Live simply, gently, at home in yourselves.

Act justly.
Speak justly.

Remember the depth of your own compassion.
Forget not your power in the days of your powerlessness.

Do not desire to be wealthier than your peers
and stint not your hand of charity.

Practice forbearance.
Speak the truth, or speak not.

Take care of yourselves as bodies, for you are a good gift.

Crave peace for all people in the world,
beginning with yourselves,
and go as you go with the dream of that peace alive in your heart.

-Bellatini 

You know, in spite of this lingering feeling of uncertainty, there’s a definite undercurrent of gratitude there. I’m grateful for pain- it continues to teach me. I’m grateful that there are still things to learn, and that I don’t have it all figured out. I’m grateful that I can grow into a better and wiser person, partner, mother, and friend. I’m not sure that I’d be able to do that without the occasional emotional and spiritual growing pains that are so present in my life. I think I just grow in spurts all around. It’s just part of who I am. I remember when I was a kid I’d get horrible growing pains that would wake me from sleep, they were so intense. That just seems to be the way that I grow. I can think of so many situations in my life that are like that. I’m like a zucchini plant- in the morning it’s this little thing, and then the next day it’s enormous. I experienced my adolescence full-force, left home with a bang, was married at 21… even my pregnancy with Vera. I felt like my belly never grew gradually, but in these defined spurts that left their deep, visible impressions in my skin. Then there’s my garden- I wanted to make it so big and Jeff just looked at me like I was nuts… (who needs experience or the knowledge of what they’re doing!?) but it all worked out and is still working out. Anyway. My point is, I just kind of dive into my life, whether I want to or not. Thankfully, I have enough experience with this kind of thing to know that at these times, the discomfort that I feel is largely purposeful. It’s a sign of growth, a sign of action. I can’t have the growth without the pain. I want my life to challenge me. I’m doing my best today to relax into it, listen carefully, and see what it has to teach me.

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