I’m feeling pretty damn good today despite the new friend drama and being pretty tired (another teething night…) and my house being a mess. This morning I went with Gretchen and Tuula to Jungle Java- a super cool play place/cafe. I met some new mommas and made a potential new friend. It felt amazingly good to just hang out with other moms and kids, interruptions and nursing and craziness and everything… it just zapped me with this feeling of comfort and solidarity that I think I need to make a point to seek out on a more regular basis. I’m just really liking my life these days. I like who I’m becoming. I love my baby and everything she’s teaching me about myself and the world. I love feeling at home in myself. I wouldn’t give this up for the world. Not for a full night’s sleep or the ability to travel, not for anything. Obviously, right? I mean, I’m always swooning on here, but I guess some people around me don’t seem to see that about my situation. And on to the drama…
One of my friends has been talking about how she’s upset about our relationship. She’s resentful about the fact that things have changed between us. She’s right, things have changed. I suppose I just have become less sensitive to it, is all. There was a time not too long ago when I would’ve felt like a bit of a failure if a relationship started to wain in the way that this one has. However, it’s just become increasingly clear that we are on very different paths, and that it’s just ok. We love each other, it’s not a bad thing in my opinion. We still hang out (although we are both really busy and so it just doesn’t happen as often as it used to) and we still have fun when we do. That being said, she has made it apparent that she loves me no matter what, but that she really does think this whole baby thing was just a bit premature. She’s the one that says things like "I think you should come over, it’ll be fun for you!" and "Oh, you should really get out- it’d be so good for you to let loose!" Trust me, I know she means well, but her perception of my life couldn’t be further from the truth. She has said on more than one occasion that she’s just not built to be a stay-at-home-mom, and if/when she has children then her partner will definitely be the one at home, and on and on. It’s just become clear that my choices are NOT the ones that she’ll be making, and it’s just been weird to have those conversations with her. That, and she seems to think I have no life or something, which I don’t know where she gets that from. Anyway, her motives are not in question, they are good, it’s just that she really doesn’t get me right now.
This is okay. I feel like I’ve been awarded a sense of freedom about things like this. We both haven’t called as much as we used to. I could think "She must not care about me like she used to." OR I could think "She’s in school and we have conflicting schedules, it’ll happen when it happens, it’s not personal." I find that I tend to go with the latter. This is very good for me. I know it’s not personal. I know she loves and respects me and so on. I would hope she knows the same of me. What bothers me is that she assumes this has to do with a lack of respect on my part, and frankly I’m just busy and have other things on my mind. I also don’t think it’s all that respectful to tell a room full of people about it and not confront the issue with me. The only reason I know about all this is through a third party. Which sucks.
It’s just a strange position to be in. You see, nothing has happened. It’s what hasn’t that seems to be the issue here. So she decided to do all this headwork about my motives and started to think about it without actually talking to me, and she’s now in this resentful angry place when all along I thought we’d just been busy. That, coupled with the fact that she seems to not really respect where I am in my life right now (although I would never say that to her and for the most part just try not to worry about it) just makes me feel kind of ick about the whole situation. I do think we were drifting for various reasons, but it’s not like forcing ourselves together is going to be good for either of us.
I also struggle with being really insensitive about stuff like this. I know this is a legitimate issue for her. I think, however, it’s kind of insane to start causing problems all over the fact that our relationship has changed since I had a baby. I mean, yeah, of course it has. Things are different now. So… adapt. You know? I mean, I can’t really explain the profundity of my circumstance to her. I just sort of hope that she cuts me some slack if I’m a flake sometimes or if I don’t always think to call or what have you. The least productive thing to do is to slowly get angry and then resent me. I’m a dedicated friend, just one with full hands. That’s something she also seems to doubt. When my other friend came to my aid and said I was really busy, she apparently thought that was silly. It’s just that those things she says are borderline insulting. She assumes I’m not busy, although she doesn’t know what it’s like to be home with a kiddo, let alone two. Does she think I sit around and nurse all day? Alright, there’s a little of that, but seriously. She assumes I don’t get out or have fun, but I DO. A lot. And guess what? I’m really really HAPPY. I don’t need rescuing or a night out to party. I don’t want to "party". I would still have to come home to my responsibility as a momma, one that I am determined not to resent- so it becomes hard to shake comments like that. They aren’t supportive or uplifting or encouraging. Again, motives are not in question here. I’m just not someone to pity or save.
I don’t know. I just don’t have the mental or emotional energy for this kind of drama anymore. I really want good solid adult relationships that help me grow. I don’t appreciate being talked about, and I just need minimal nonsense when it comes to friends. "Cut me some slack, it’s not personal, I love you." That’s what I feel like saying. Maybe I will. I think I’m a good friend. I’m not without my flaws, and I’ll do my best to right my wrongs. That being said, if someone doesn’t tell me that something bothers them, then I can’t very well remedy it. I’m really just in need of some honesty and compassion. God I hope this blows over quickly.
I love my friends. With the exception of this one, the transition from pre to post baby has been fluid and beautiful. I feel like there was an adjustment, but it really happened in a nice way. Especially with my friend Katy. She just sort of allowed for me to change and she’s really been so uplifting. We also just hang out when we can and enjoy each other. I think that’s part of it. I have several friends on very different paths, but we somehow come back together and just are happy for one another. It’s so nice to have had her as a friend since we were 15, so much has changed, and yet I feel really solid in the friendship despite its very different appearance now. We connect where we can, listen and learn, support and empathize. It’s a good deal.
Anyway, on to the fun stuff.
I organized and labeled all my herbs. It was incredibly satisfying.
Always the dog bowl. Is it the shine? The water? The forbidden nature? Why!?!
This day was hard for me. Little John was particularly fussy, I got touched-out really early, and I was on a short fuse. I just got to this point where I felt kind of lost. It was over before I knew it, but I had to call my sister and leave him in the crib for a few minutes so I could pull myself together. I felt like the worst person. Later that day, it was all better, and I think now it was mostly my attitude that left me feeling so hopeless. His mom came and got him and when she was leaving she said "Can I just say… I’m so grateful for your help. John really seems happy here and he doesn’t even cry when I put him in the car in the morning. It’s like he knows he’s coming here. We are just so happy that he can come here." In that moment I felt honored to watch their kid and it made it all worth it. I know how valuable it would be to me to know that my baby is in loving hands. I think I will probably have some hard days, but this is good work, and I’m blessed to be able to do it. I really like John, he’s so sweet, and I know I will get better at juggling the two. Plus, it makes the quiet moments with Vera that much more precious.
Lunch. It’s a sort of a Moroccan stew. I guess the only reason I say that is because I put cumin and paprika in it. I should’ve added couscous. But yeah, it was yummy.
Ok, it works really well to plop a mobile baby in a basket when you’re trying to do stuff and need them to stay in one spot. Besides, how much longer will I be able to do this?
At my parent’s house Vera got herself wedged inbetween two sections of the couch. My silly. 🙂
Quote of the day:
"Life is an adventure in forgiveness." -Norman Cousins