Sometimes life is thick…
Basically, I need to give myself a break. I had some conflicts last night, all of which were useful and important… but man were they tiring. I think that I realized many important things about myself, including that I can’t be perfect in my relationships. I think I end up putting my standards for myself far too high, and then when I make a mistake (which of course is inevitable) I can’t stand it! It also puts me somewhat at a disadvantage because then others are shocked when I’ve done something I shouldn’t have.
I told someone something that I shouldn’t have about 2 years ago- and now the person that told me in confidentiality found out a couple of days ago and confronted me on it. This thing that I told was REALLY private. The context in which it was told was totally well-intentioned, and really I don’t remember doing it, but I know that I did. I feel so bad about it I could just flop on the floor.
I strive for balance in so many areas of my life, and because of a mistake I made 2 YEARS ago, I feel like I’m the worst person ever. This indicates a problem. I cannot have this kind of attitude towards myself in my relationships.
I think this kind of thinking may, in fact, keep me from being the kind of friend that I really should be- one that is human and makes mistakes from time to time. I have to allow this. I don’t really think of myself as a perfectionist, but I do think that I may have to give this area of my life some attention (ha, meaning slack).
Like my teacher said “If only we were as kind to ourselves as we are to others.” What’s really bizarre about this particular situation was that my friend who had found out I blurted was totally cool. She was dissapointed and surprised, but mostly it seemed like she just wanted it “out there”. I, however, was inconsolable.
I think I also hate the idea of 2 years of a secret held by someone, only to rear it’s ugly head now… it feels unnatural, and I don’t like it.
None the less, I’m feeling “tender” and prone to self pity. Someone slap me please?
It’s always a work in progress.
Missed. Oh well. I suppose there’s room for mistakes… yes?