This morning and last night I felt kind of glum. I think I was mostly filled with expectations yesterday, and then they didn’t get fulfilled, and then I was disappointed. I also think that because of my personality, sometimes people can assume that I will be easy going about something and I end up getting hurt or taken for granted. I suppose I am very easy going about most things, and so because of the infrequency of my upsets I tend to bring it on myself a bit. I don’t really think much can be done in this area except to honestly and calmly voice when something is not ok with me. All I can say is that it is important to be sincerely generous, no strings attached. Sometimes I feel like I’m really giving because I purely want to give, but then when there isn’t a return I am surprised by my bitterness and disappointment.
My sister quoted my dad the other day and I really liked it:
“If you have an expectation that wasn’t met about the past, it turns into resentment. If you have an expectation that wasn’t met in the present, you get angry. If you have strong expectations about the future, they manifest in fear. It’s best to have few expectations.”
I am significantly more chipper now- I’m just at work eating an apple, doing things I could do with my eyes closed. It’s refreshing to not think for a while. I have plans for later tonight too, to keep myself busy. I plan on making a pumpkin biscotti, a tomato soup, jalapeno relish, butter, dried apples, and roasted nuts. I know that my journal is slowly becoming a food blog, but I don’t care. I’ll probably post pictures later as well.
This morning when I was getting out of my car to go to work I realized that I have no idea how to properly love this baby. I know that I’ll naturally love it all that I can, but how do I really do this human justice? The amazing wonder of a life that it is, I feel weak at the prospect of having to give it all it needs. And then this thought popped into my head- so distinct- “It’s a good thing that God will love you perfectly.”
I’m not a religious person. I consider myself spiritually inclined, an Earth worshiper, a believer in the power of energy and purpose and order, a lover of people and souls, a seeker, a listener, a pacifist, a believer in peace, etc. I was raised a Christian, and so I don’t particularly mind the word “God”, but I found it interesting that it came into my head like that. I do believe in a higher power- something loving and absolute, but I don’t claim to know what form “he” takes, and I don’t lay awake at night thinking I need to figure it all out. I guess I discovered a new belief that I hold- that God loves us all perfectly. I think it is my way of surrendering this life to the universe, as I am only a vessel and a caretaker. I think if I didn’t believe in the love this world has to give then I’d be terrified to bring a new life into it. I think I could spend more time remembering that I am perfectly loved as well.