On being a mother.

Last night I distinctly remember turning to Jeff and saying "This is the night from hell." Vera just would not stop nursing and fussing and kicking my stomach and legs with those sharp little toes. At one point I just pulled her off and plopped her in the middle of the bed and said "I quit." Teething. I’m drinking really strong coffee this morning.

So, we’ve been up a couple of hours- er, out of bed at least- and she asked to nurse by slamming her head into my chest and crying. Right after she was done she looked up at me, with those glossy just-milked eyes and fat cheeks, obviously satisfied and comfortable, and I just love her. I love her so much that I can hardly stand it. Any pain, any sleepless night, anything. My life is so much better now. In innumerable ways. I mostly feel gratitude that she chose us to be her parents. I feel grateful for every scar left on my belly, for the dark circles under my eyes, for the richness that my life has now. That’s really all I could say about it. I love being a mother, in ways I couldn’t have imagined or anticipated.

Gracie
Gracie

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Comments (13)

  1. nashifeet

    grace still does that now…at 17 months old. although, she also has the nights where she has a meltdown and wont nurse and nothing works…but eventually, sometimes hours later (oh god), she’ll nurse, and be happy and calm. and her little “Nurse?” voice is so sweet and cute. even after all the frustrating times…its so worth it, when their little milk faces look at you and you know that you are the only person who can do that. she said the other night, “my boob, mama.”

    vera is so big and cute and i love her squishy cheeks!!

    i didnt say much before…but thank you for sharing those emails with your parents about christianity. its something thats been on my mind a lot latey, as someone who used to be an evangelical “Jesus freak” and as someone now who craves something spiritual but cant find it there and i feel those same troubles that you do…granted, not with my parents, but with old friends. so, thank you for sharing those.

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Oh I’m so glad that you could relate to all that. It kind of seems like it might just be about acceptance- that we can’t necessarily bridge that gap. I feel sad about it though, and I’m happy that there are other people that I can confide in about it. πŸ™‚

      Reply
      1. nashifeet

        anytime πŸ™‚ its something i mostly enjoy talking about…though i haven’t talked to anyone i used to go to church with about it. i plan on doing that soon, i think after 4 years i’m finally ready to talk about it. heh.

        Reply
  2. Anonymous

    i love today’s post. it melts my heart and makes me feel all mushy inside. i think that the rough nights are the ones we will remember most and miss when our babies are big.

    that picture of vera is just adorably sweet.

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Aw, little Jonah! I want to see him soon. Sorry I’ve been so flaky with emails, things have just been so so so busy. Anyway, once you’re back at the office we will have lunch and catch up!

      Reply
  3. afistinthefrill

    awwww. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS! she is such a sweet baby, and you’re such a cute mommy πŸ™‚

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Haha, you can’t wait? Uh oh… Just kidding, I bet you’ll be an awesome momma!

      Reply
  4. poppleshatesyou

    Never fear, teething does cease at some point!

    Glad to hear that all the goodness makes up for a night of not so fun-ness now and then.

    Vera is so incredibly cute!!!!

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Someday… someday it’ll end!

      Reply
  5. pithy_epigrams

    she’s just beautiful.

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Yes, yes she is. Haha. I wish you wrote more these days!

      Reply
  6. stupidfool

    that is a beautiful entry, and a beautiful picture of your little girl–i love the way the light shines on her face… she looks like a little angel! (one that would never keep you up all night, of course!)

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Oh there’s a little mischief maker hidden in there… oh yes. I’ve wanted to comment on your entries- maybe I’ll be able to someday!

      Reply

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