Where to start… I’ve had a good couple of days. I’ve been thinking a lot about how being Vera’s mom is going to change me (for the better). Basically I keep thinking about all of the things that I want her to know about life- and that makes me reevaluate my own, and then I’m forced to improve or solidify something. For example, I was just thinking about how awful it would be if someday she felt like her body wasn’t attractive enough, or thin enough, or whatever. It would be awful because I know better. I have seen her from her start- she is perfect and miraculous, and I’m SURE of this. Ya know? I would KNOW that she was wrong about it. So in realizing that about my child and knowing what I should teach her about her self-image, I have to re-teach myself that stuff. I have to love myself as much as I love her, and believe those things about myself and my body so that I can really stand behind it all. That’s just an example, but lots of things have been popping up like that.
Sometimes I feel my old self slipping away- the insecurity, the selfishness, the anger, the codependency, the vanity, the self-destructiveness… I remember visiting Ma about 7 years ago (the woman I mentioned a while back who took me in, kinda psychic, gotta love her) and she told a friend and I to picture ourselves as babies. She told us to hold our hands out in front of us, cupped, and picture ourselves as tiny babies, good and small and helpless, and to promise to take care of them and to cherish their life. I remember that was a powerful moment for me because I was doing anything but that. I was smoking and drinking and drugging and just generally doing what I pleased with myself. I don’t regret any of my experiences, self-destructive as they might have been, because they taught me invaluable things, but I do sometimes revisit that moment and remember to try to care for myself in that way. Anyway, I’m learning.
Tuula. Chewing on a phone charger. While her mother and I watched and laughed. We’re sick. It reminds me of this picture. Bahaha. Don’t worry, it wasn’t plugged in.
Lindsay (aka pearlstreetdiva) came to visit for the weekend with her adorable sprout Eli. It was great to see them. Eli is SO sweet and kept giving Tuula and Vera hugs. He also really likes cleaning supplies… Lindsay lent me this pattern for a practice scarf (it has all these different pattern blocks on it) that I just started knitting. Hopefully I’ll be able to figure the pattern out. Either way, I’m excited to start knitting projects. Jeff really likes knit socks, and I just think hand-knit stuff is great. They make for good presents too!
Lindsay on the left, squishy Vera, and sweet Eli.
Ok, I’m going to start taking a picture of the view from my bedroom window in the morning. Maybe once a month or so, just so the progress can be seen. Tomorrow it’s April, which is a very springy month to me. Then MAY- which means planting!! Then things get really green and full. We plan to re-cover the awning (to the right) and hang plants, etc. We of course will be filling up the 3 raised beds with delicious vegetation- in addition to the 2 other beds to the side of the house. I plan to put up a clothes line right outside of the window. Oh, and in June the bright orange poppies will be blooming all along the left fence up to the shed. Man I’m ready for this stuff.