Midnight Ramble

Posted On January 25, 2007

I go to NEW YORK! I go to WOODSTOCK, NY! I go see Levon Helm and the Holmes Brothers! YAAAAAY! I’m so excited. It’s such an honor to be able to go and see this show! We’re going with Doug, Harlowe and Rose, so it should be entertaining the ENTIRE time.

I’m going to brew my own kombucha from now on. Jeff and I started drinking it every day and it’s amazing. I feel less hungry. I’ve lost some weight randomly, and I don’t particularly need to (although I don’t mind), but it’s just detoxifying to such a degree that I think I’m shedding excess whatever. It’s also delicious and refreshing. Do some research on it if you’re interested. It really is kind of a miracle drink.

I’ve been thinking about how I view myself lately. I think so many people I encounter, including myself, tend to foster negative thoughts. We bring ourselves down, tell ourselves we can’t do something we wish we could. Wish about anything really, which just feeds the belief that we can’t ever have or be what we want. Why can’t we be free of this kind of thought?

My dad told me a story about my little brother the other day… well, this story will tell you about what kind of a guy he is.
One day my dad took Ben to the park. Ben was about 6 or so, probably wearing a ninja turtles t-shirt, and was sporting a “tail” (the little tuft of hair on the back of the neck that serves god-knows-what purpose). He told us that once his tail grew long enough he would swing it over tree branches to use as a way to pulley himself up. Anyway, Dad saw Ben walk up to a group of older boys, talk to them for a minute or two, and then walk away.
“Ben, what did those boys want?”
“Oh, I asked them if they wanted to play.”
“Oh really? And what did they say?”
“They said no.”
“Oh, gee Ben, how do you feel about that?”
“I feel fine.”
“Well… did that hurt your feelings?”
“No. But if they said yes I would’ve had new friends.”

A toast to Ben and his unwavering faithfulness to being exactly who he is. That’s him and Maya, she likes it when you blow on her face… whatever, anyway- I wish I could let go of my own vanity. I can’t imagine being in a situation like that and not feeling embarrassed or hurt. Even when I was 6. I probably would have cried. But my brother has always been very uncomplicated in that way. He’s just okay with himself. I think rather than to envy him, I should soak him up like a sponge. I should watch what he does and learn from him. What better way to spend my time then to learn how to be just myself and happy with that.

I am happy with who I am, but I know that I have more to do. I am aware of ways in which I need to let go of myself. I think what’s so powerful about that story for me is that Ben really knew the truth of that situation. Rather than being threatened, hurt, fearful, rejected- he was merely aware of the potential for new friendships- on top of which, he’s aware of the fact that it’s essentially their loss. It’s so easy for an outsider to see that truth for someone else, but almost impossible for us to see it for ourselves.
Why aren’t we as gentle and kind to ourselves as we are with other people?

Anyway, I’m off to see the wizard. 12 hours of driving here I come!

“Work hard, play mostly.” -Ben Balmer (the bro)