Sometimes it’s inevitable- the need for control. I suppose it’s our earthly desire to feel safe and have everything in sight. However, as I’ve seen over and over in my life, the more I try to control things the less control I have. It’s like this mathematical certainty. I mean, if I didn’t believe that things happen for a reason then I think I might go nuts.
Today I was really angry about something. Something said, limits and bumps and feeling like things just couldn’t consolidate… I felt the anger rising through my chest, loosening the bolts and making way for something crazy. I had a moment where I thought I was losing myself in it. Then, right then, I heard a message loud and clear. Not like a voice, but like a distinct parting of the clouds within my mind where a thought was deposited. "Let me guide you."
I feel a weight lifted off of me now. Labor was like one of those crazy forces. It’s all happening, and you can’t stop it, and it hurts. What a combination! But, when I let go of my control and allowed for it, then I had MORE control. In the end, this crazy life thing had just happened to me, full-force, and yet I could confidently say that I had done it. I can’t advocate natural childbirth enough, I tell ya.
Anyway, it’s moments like these that keep me smiling and feeling human. I love that I can feel intensely and believe in truth and love and god. I love that my own anger threatens to take over but then my faith helps me find peace, all in a matter of minutes. I kind of feel like a nap now, but other than that I feel alive.
Quote of the day:
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater then sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall. "