Just… thoughts.

I can’t believe how fast this pregnancy is going by. I’m already 31 weeks… over 3/4 of the way there! I don’t have much to complain about, either, other than the blasted hip pain- but I have found ways to make it manageable. Although yesterday I felt it necessary to tell Jeff in a loud authoritative voice that heartburn could go and die… Otherwise, physically, I feel pretty great. Evening time gets me feeling a little more wobbly, but overall I’m really happy that I’m in good health and still active.

I’m scared to bring children into a dangerous and abusive world- one that may not recover, and at the very least will be hard to clean up and make right again. I so often am aware that I have to train Vera to live in this unnatural place- but even more aware that I wouldn’t know how to train her to live in a natural one. However, what comforts me is that despite the state of the world, I have never wished that my parents hadn’t had me. I always want to be here, even when it’s overwhelming. And so I have to have faith that my children will want to do the good work of their lives and fulfill their purpose too. When I meditate on that, I know it’s true. I know that it’s important for new people (however destructive our species may be) to come and work for the good of the world and help to heal these wounds.

For me, having kids so far has been an immensely healing experience. It’s inspired me to become more consistent, more honest, more spiritual, more in touch with being a woman… I recently had an ex-boyfriend contact me and want to visit. He was nice enough, and it was an early high school relationship so I don’t think much about it at all anymore. However, I see the relationship much more honestly now than I used to, and truth be told it was pretty abusive. Full of pressure and manipulation and hormones… just yuck. He also really did some crappy things that were just passed off as being normal, that were really not okay. During that time I was stuck in an awkward place- one of youthfulness and wanting to experience new things, but pressure on both the home end and the social end to be someone I wasn’t. It was incredibly stressful for me, and I found myself feeling stuck all the time. Wanting to confide in someone, but never truly being able to due to the expectations that surrounded me. Anyway, I felt awkward about rekindling any kind of relationship with this guy, however nice he is now. I also felt bad about saying no, but I did it anyway. I wrote him a message explaining why, and it felt really good to do. I’m sure it was not a fun message to receive, but I felt like it was necessary. I guess my point is, if I didn’t have a little woman to raise, I’m not sure I would have sent him the message. Here’s a little clip of what I wrote:

"… I really feel like this is a tune I hear far too often when I talk to my women friends about past relationships. Almost all of them dealt with some version of what I’ve described at some point in their lives. They’ve had to actively put energy into healing those wounds, some of which are really difficult to address. Many of the men who perpetrated this abuse fall under the category of "nice guy" and are somewhat oblivious to the damage and pain that they caused. Many women feel scared to speak up and ask that these men take responsibility. Now that I have a beautiful daughter to raise, I’m determined not to be one of those women."

Anyway, I’m experiencing healing and growth in ways that I totally didn’t anticipate. Much of it comes from finally being able to truly value myself because now I know the love of my partner and children and feel accountable to them. I’m an integral piece of this puzzle here, and I do myself no favors by ignoring the baggage that might hinder my growth in the future.

I’m sure a lot of this is coming from this book I’m reading called A Language Older Than Words, by Derrick Jensen. He really takes some time to talk about the abuse of women in our culture (so much of it unconscious and glossed over, or worse, is sometimes even praised, but truly detrimental nonetheless), and it’s been really enlightening. Anyway, the book also talks a lot about working to communicate with the natural world and learn its language, as opposed to just assuming that we’re the smartest most deserving species out there… This kind of thinking is all-pervasive in our way of life, and we don’t even know it. Even in our efforts to harness the energy of the world in a "sustainable" way, we’re still impossibly arrogant for not asking the world what it needs and giving back to it. A quote from the book:

"What if life is a web of immeasurably complex and respectful relationships? What if the purpose- even the evolutionary purpose- is for each of us to take responsibility for all those around us, to respect their own deepest needs, to esteem and be esteemed by them, to feed and feed off them, to be sustained by their bodies and eventually to sustain them with our own?" 

Lots of food for thought these days. 

Gracie
Gracie

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Comments (9)

  1. ladyfaith3

    31 weeks WOW! you’re close too! very soon we’ll be MOMMIES all over again!!

    I understand the heartburn frustration. I understand too the uncertainty of the state of the world and how that can be frightening. I try to think of having these new little people as improving the world, hopefully raising them to be compassionate, helpful and hard-working. 🙂

    I saw an ex-boyfriend wanna be (he never was he just pushed me rather forcefully toward a relationship) on Fb recently and looked back and laughed. He treated me horribly, he’s the father of two daughters now and I wonder at their future, will time show him himself in honest ways?
    I have changed so much since that time and I am so glad I married the man I have! Growing up and being a parent has a way of teaching and healing us from the past. It’s truly amazing!

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      It’s nice to have another mama on my friends list that’s going through so many similar things! I’m glad that parenthood has healed and taught you too- and I’ll be interested in what it has in store for you in the future. I loved what you wrote about having to be able to say you were sorry to them, although I don’t think I commented, I wanted to… 🙂

      Reply
      1. ladyfaith3

        I sometimes lose my focus, and forget what I think is very important for children and that is to be real with them. They are people too. It’s important that they understand I am not perfect. That way they wont be so shocked later 🙂 I try to relate to them on their level and I don’t keep my emotions completely from them. I keep it simple and I hope in doing this they will feel secure even when I’m crabby or blue. I hope this way they will grow and feel like they can relate. I think kids should respect their parents but I don’t think honesty hinders that respect. I believe it’s just part of creating a relationship (still parent/child) that is honest.
        I don’t want to be my daughters best friend necessarily but I do want to be the kind of mother that is approachable and can give some wisdom when it’s needed 🙂

        Reply
        1. Gracie (Post author)

          They are lucky to have you. 🙂

          Yeah, I think being able to admit when you’re wrong to your kids should inspire MORE respect, if you ask me. At the very least, it serves as a good model.

          Reply
  2. yayhappens

    I think it’s wonderful that motherhood has been an experience that has promoted healing and personal expansion for you. I know *too many women* that have kids and they are so drained day in and day out they sit their kids in front of a TV and that is what they think their role is. *headdesk*

    Your thoughts about it gives me hope that there are still parents out there who are aware and paying attention and do have a genuine driving interest to raise society as a result of how you are raising your children. ♥

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Thanks for this. I’m sure that much of it has to do with the fact that my parents were and are a loving and consistent influence for good in my life. We can’t be perfect parents, but I just have to do my best and stick to what I believe in! I do sometimes wonder what my children will think of me in their teen years, though… haha.

      Reply
    2. wolfteaparty

      RE: being drained… this is why trying to be Superwoman is so counterproductive! Paying attention makes all the difference.

      Reply
  3. wolfteaparty

    31 weeks already? Yowza!

    I’ve been treated horribly in relationships… when I was a child, my mom once told me to leave a man immediately if he hits you or says “I don’t want you to wear that.” So I knew how to recognize physical abuse or major possessiveness. But I went on to experience a lot of emotional abuse, much of it subtle, and much of it done by people who didn’t know what they were doing. I’ve also been consistently told I’m too fat, I don’t have the right shape, and I’m not pretty enough. It’s really ruined my self-image and I haven’t found out how to heal.

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      I’m so sorry you had to deal with that abuse! I wish I knew the magic thing to help aid in healing these wounds, but it’s definitely a unique and trying process for each woman that’s experienced it. I think it’s important to empower each other and create strong relationships with other women, definitely. 🙂

      Reply

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