Sometimes I think I forget that I really love to be around people. I get so wrapped up with all the business and whatever other bullshit involved that I forget the whole reason we do these things. To enjoy each other.
I went to Lindsay’s blessing way today (a blessing way is kinda like a baby shower only more fun and less squealing). It was great and she was beautiful and glowy. I was sad that I had to leave early, but I went from there to have a date with my mom.
I sometimes don’t feel all that close with my mother, but I really like her a lot. I think we just don’t really get an opportunity to have any down time. It was great. We had some awesome Vietnamese food at this sorta shady looking place in downtown Ypsi called Dalat (note: most great places like this, I find, look like greasy spoons in the middle of the dangerous part of town). I love this place, and it’s cheaper than any other place I can find that doesn’t sacrifice quality. Yum yum yum yum.
Then she came back to my place and we talked and had some cheesecake. I really had just such a good time. I don’t feel like my mom and I don’t get along, or that we don’t enjoy each other, we just don’t do this often. So it felt really good.
To sum it up really, the lesson of the day was that usually the reasons I feel overwhelmed or nervous about a situation are self-inflicted ones. I am all I have to fear, I am all that keeps me from feeling peaceful in the chaos of the day. I hope I can maintain this feeling through the holidays… sheesh.
She responded with something that I’ve been thinking about all day today. She said that the only things her kids would miss out on is the pressure to be “cool” and the exposure to that kind of insecurity and judgement. She said they would be free to be the creative and happy people that they are meant to be. Also, there is no reason that they wouldn’t be socialized either, homeschooled kids tend to have a wide community.
This got me thinking about my experiences in school and what influence it’s had in my life. I don’t regret anything in my life, but I did take a good look at what kinds of things I learned from peers and felt were cool or uncool (eg. body image, sex, drugs, interests, etc.)
Anyway, that stuff was profound enough, but what really got me was a conversation I had with a friend today. This friend is someone with “poor” social skills. Her boundaries are less than adequate, she tends to blurt and offend at every corner, she lies, she annoys, she’s occasionally bursting with pretension, uses words that don’t exist, drinks like a fish and starts fights, blah blah blah. Anyway, she’s one of those people that I love dearly in often, but small doses.
She called to tell me that she missed me and that we had to get together tomorrow. So I said sure. She had made plans with me last Thursday but never came or called, which was fine by me cuz i wasn’t really up for it. She then mentioned that she really missed me, and was sad cuz she had been “distancing” herself from me in an attempt to keep our relationship from souring. I was totally confused because we hadn’t really hung out in a few weeks, and was feeling a little defensive and… ick. But I stayed calm and asked her why she thought things might go in that direction. She said it was not because we don’t get along, but because she noticed a difference in some of our views lately. This made sense to me because we had a conversation about some belief differences, and whatever, I knew she was tense about it.
Anyway, it’s all fine now, but I felt a sense of pride within myself that I was surprised to find. I realized that I felt like I was the “cool” one in that situation. I kinda thought “She can’t do this to me, she’s the one that’s crazy and takes so much energy”. Then it hit me. I am NOT too good for her. I’m not too good for anybody. I really love her. I’ve been friends with her for 6 years. Part of what I love about our relationship is those drastic and refreshing differences. Part of me LOVES that she’s not afraid to be exactly who she is. I realized that it’s wrong for people to say “why do you hang out with her?” and me to say “oh she’s crazy, but she’s really gotten so much better.” The only reason I feel the need to use a disclaimer is because I have accepted a stupid norm anyhow. It was humbling. Needless to say I feel happy that I caught that within myself. It was gross and smelly and I’m glad saw it.
“Swallow your pride, you will not die, it’s not poison.” -Bob Dylan