It’s a good morning.

My life feels so full right now. Sometimes I feel bored, or like I have nothing really going on in my life. Inevitably, in the next day or week or so, I look back and wonder how I could ever think that. It sometimes feels so slow, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s constantly morphing and changing. I think those slow moments exist so that I can gather my bearings and rest for a minute. I would hate to not be able to appreciate the pace of things- the constant change whirling around me. I have to balance and remember that I’m safe and conscious and happy. I don’t know if this makes any sense. Anyway.

I’ve had an emotionally heavy week. In a very good way. I’ve been out spending time with old friends, sifting through a million memories, and contemplating the billions of possibilities for my future. I got a letter from a very dear old friend that seemed to open a part of my heart that has been closed for a while. We mutually fell away from the relationship, it was far too intense and codependent and I won’t get into details, but it was the right thing to do at the time. It was an amazing thing to find that she feels the same way that I do about it all now. In the end I think we still are like salt & pepper, just not in the most obvious way. I love this friend more than most, even now, and it was overwhelming to find some closure on it all when I had assumed it would never get any. I re-read the beautiful letter yesterday, and I started to hear our songs in my head for the first time in a while. We used to write music and poetry like crazy, sing in beautiful harmony, encourage each other’s creativity… it was lovely. I realized yesterday that when our relationship ended, I really stopped playing music and writing like I did. I think with the death of the relationship came a form of mourning that I couldn’t really understand. I have never experienced something quite like this, but almost instantly I felt a wave of music in my head. I started hearing my voice and my words again. I feel awake in a way that I haven’t for a long time.

Sept. 27th:
Bathtime is seriously adorable. It’s the only time I ever wear an apron- and even then…

Sept. 28th:
Occasionally I get inspired in the morning- usually I just go for toast or an egg or some polenta or oatmeal. On this day Jeff was home and I made eggs benedict with REAL hollandaise. It’s amazing to me that most places just serve mushy salty sauce- hollandaise is really amazingly delicious and flavorful, it’s lemony and bright and unlike anything else.

Sept. 29th:
This was another food-filled week. Lots of cooking and storing. This is an eggplant meatball soup. I just try to make way more than we need at night, and then I just throw it all in mason jars and process it before bed. I still want to do squash soup, potato soup, borscht, the list goes on and on.

Sept. 30th:
This was a banana nut coffee cake that I made up. That’s right, I made it up. I used a recipe as a reference point, but I did it myself. I never do this with baking, except to sub something here and there, but this was all me. There is no sugar in the cake, just honey. It’s made entirely of whole wheat pastry flour, no white flour, and I used kefir to moisten the cake, although I’m sure I could try some of my ginger pear sauce that I made recently too. The only exception I made for sugar was a little brown sugar in the topping. It was nice, and I’m just going to experiment and write down my recipes.

October 1st:
Can you believe it’s October already? It just swooped right in. This is my banjo. I’ve taken 2 lessons so far, and I’ll just have to try to save my personal money and take more here and there. In the meantime I’m practicing what I’ve learned and I’ve got instructional DVDs. I’m trying to take it slow and learn the basics, with guitar I just dove in and wanted results fast. I got results, but I think I set myself up for confusion in the long run in light of all the stuff I missed. This time I’ll ease in and really focus on learning and not sounding good right away.

October 2nd:
My baby crawls. Um, for serious though. It’s not on her hands, but it’s the army crawling. She got fast so quickly too! Lighting baby! She likes to aim for the dog’s bowls, so that’s fun… baby proofing will be swift and merciless for us.
On this day I got the first of our apples. I have yet to process them, but I’m thinking: applesauce, dried apple rings, apple butter, frozen and canned apples for winter tarts and whatever, and of course lots of baked apples with homemade raw ice cream this fall. I love fall.

October 3rd:
Sometimes she hates that I cart her all around town. I can’t blame her, really. I remember being a kid and time moving SO SLOWLY, especially in the car. I can only imagine it in baby time. Well, on this day we went to get more raspberries and the farmer said we could harvest the leaves for free! Homemade, local, organic, red raspberry leaf tea! I’m so easily excited, but this is awesome. Loads of leaves are drying as we speak. 🙂
Also, can you believe that pathetic baby lip? I could squoosh her all day long! I’m such a bad momma getting a picture first…

October 4th:
We went to Jeff’s cousin’s wedding last night. So much fun. We danced and ate and talked the night away. I like weddings WAY more now that I’ve been through it. Now I think maybe I understand the profundity of the day for the couple, and the family of the couple, and why the celebration is really in order. I also think partnership and commitment are some of the most important things in this life, and I can’t help but be joyful for people. I feel the same way about birth now too. Plus, how cute is my family when they get all dressed up? I died a little when I saw that Vera accidentally winked at the camera. There was great music too, which is always good. I really love Stevie Wonder.

October 5th:
Why do we sometimes put her in a basket, you ask? Well, wouldn’t you?

Quote of the day:
"It’s easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world." -Al Franken


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