Lately I’ve been such a homebody, and loving it. I am completely content most evenings with some good soup, a book, a movie, some cleaning, maybe a visit with a couple of people. Oh and the thrill of getting a project done! It’s just all slowed down for me. In the midst of my happy, sleepy, lovely days- I can’t help but feel a little like I should be going out and doing more. It’s not so much that I want to be doing that, but that I feel that I should be doing that. Like, when I first got pregnant I had this couple of weeks where I was sort of feeling bad that I couldn’t go out and drink with my friends and be in smoky places, etc. Then I realized that I’ve sort of outgrown that for the most part anyway. Before I got pregnant I mostly stayed away from smoky bars and I rarely went out drinking except for a special occasion. My drinking with friends consisted mostly of homebrewed beer and wine on my front porch or at someone’s house. I realized that the only thing I was really mourning was the option to do those things. The other thing is that my friends all still do this stuff. I’m young, and while I don’t feel like I’m growing apart from my friends, there certainly is a little bit of a gap in the lifestyle department. I don’t get to see them all in one place anymore- because when they are, they are all getting drunk.
This got me thinking a little about things. I wondered why we don’t all do more sober things together. People still keep inviting me to parties and stuff, and I get this feeling that I’ll be uncomfortable while everyone around me is hazy. I’ll be preoccupied with the smoke smell , people will be talking to me about the baby a bunch (but in a drunken and nodding “You’ll just be the grrrreatest mom Grrace. I… mean… it.”). I just get this very out of place feeling. Then I realized that as much as people don’t like to admit it, those parties are centered around getting altered enough to feel comfortable to socialize for a while. I hear all the time that it’s just a “get together.” You know, just good people and music, right? I love how that sounds. I used to believe it too. And trust me, I’m not judging… but these parties are alcohol (and other substances) parties. That’s fine too! I have no problem with that! Just like a dinner party, or a dance party, or a video game party, or whatever. These, however, are mysteriously nondescript parties, where the only objective is to “be together.” I think that sounds great, but once I was no longer able to drink, I realized that without those substances I don’t think people would really go. Kinda sad really.
Anyway, I’ve been feeling all guilty about the fact that I just don’t want to go to that kind of thing right now. I’m such a people pleaser that I start to feel that I’m letting people down and stuff. I wonder if they think I’m going to become boring or something. It’s also hard not to get grief from people about this because they don’t see the party as being an alcohol party. They see it as something else. I think that they would change their minds once they are six months pregnant. I’m so glad I have my sister to affirm my feelings about this. I don’t have a lot of friends who have kids or are even partnered/married, so it makes it harder to relate when it comes to this stuff. I do need to let go of my need to make everyone happy with me. I know that I will disappoint people tonight by not going, but Jeff is going to go in my stead and say “Grace loves you, but she’s six months pregnant and didn’t want to come.” I hope that does the trick. If not, I just have to live with it. Like my sister said “Why would you go to a video game party if you don’t play video games?” It does make me wonder why there aren’t more events that are not focused around a big batch of spiked cider or a keg. I haven’t seen some people for about 6 months because now I don’t drink, and I think that’s kind of sad.
Anyway, end of rant. I just had to get it out. I still feel kind of guilty, but I need to suck it up and get over it.