I’m in love…

Did you know that? I’m madly, wildly, almost-too-much-to-bear in love with my little girl.

This morning my friend was (with the purest of intentions) talking to me about how the past couple of years of my life I’ve been really giving of myself to motherhood and the like, and that she looked forward to when I could really "do something for myself".

Earlier this morning, my little Vera took it upon herself to strip completely naked to eat her breakfast at the table. I watched her while she contentedly took large, wobbly spoonfuls of porridge and blueberries and stuffed them in her mouth. When she was finished she took it upon herself to take her bowl and spoon and toss them into the sink with a clank (I’ve never shown her how to do this) before she went about with her morning play. All day she’s been talking to me, telling me all sorts of things that I’ve yet to understand. This babble is delicious, and I just egg her on by saying things like "Oh, really?" "Tell me more!" and "Well, that’s one opinion on the matter…" We even left a message on Jeff’s phone where she said "Hello. I love you. Bye bye Papa!"

Lately she’s been saying "Vera did it!!" and "I like it!" (most recently about a sip of coffee she snuck… uh oh! A woman after my own heart!) It’s about a 50/50 chance that she’ll call me either Mama or "Gracie". She’s obsessed with reading Pinocchio, eating dried apple slices, peanut butter on a spoon, and kissing Maya. She loves her cousin Tuula like no one else in the world, and has taken to tickling people in the oddest places (usually something like "Tickle tickle mama EYES!!!"). Every time she sees me put on lip balm she gets giddy and then sits very very still while I apply a little to her lips. She is extremely physical, and often falls on her head with a bang. She loves her Papa like crazy, and they often are squealing through the house while I’m on the phone. Sometimes they just run in circles together saying "LA LA LA LA LA!" Jeff thinks this is hilarious. And her hair is getting so long. She spills off me when she nurses and sometimes I just grab one of her legs and say "Who is this big girl in my lap?!"

I see glimpses of her future. I see a strong woman. I see a force to be reckoned with. I see a generous person, someone who easily thinks of others. I see silliness. I see over-reaction. I see whining. I see us being wonderful friends. I see her looking at me with disdain. I see her being so wonderfully herself.

So, someday, when I am FINALLY able to do something for MYSELF for a change, I’ll probably just daydream about when I spent most of my days chasing a naked toddler through the house, listening to her babble, and basking in the wonderment of my life. I often sense from some people that they see motherhood as being sacrificial or some kind of obstruction to education and personal growth. I suppose it could be experienced that way, if you aren’t careful. So far, though, my experience has been that of exponential growth. Not to mention the daily experience of intense love and gratitude, the feeling of being stretched and challenged and inspired on a regular basis, and learning more about myself and the world every day. This job is not without my hair-pulling "I just need a ******* minute to myself!" kind of moments, but all in all I’d say there’s absolutely nowhere else I’d rather be than with my sweet little girl and this beautiful family of mine.

Today I’m staying grateful for the simpler things, for those are the things that really seem to sustain me.

Gracie
Gracie

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Comments (23)

  1. 3squares_a_day

    Beautiful.

    You will never regret savoring these moments, and they will fly by with ferocious speed. My oldest is almost 16 and I am just amazed at how every age so far has been my favorite, for different reasons!

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      That’s so lovely. I recently asked Jeff’s mom what her favorite age was for all of her kids, and she just said “Now. Each new age was always my favorite.” It’s so nice to think about just loving your children in the present, as the sum of all their parts. 🙂

      Reply
  2. pagangoat

    Being a mama is the best feeling ever, and I’m completely grateful for every minute…even the ones where I’m exhausted/frustrated/ covered in puke:)
    Great post!

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Here’s to puke-covered, life-loving mamahood!

      Reply
      1. pagangoat

        =) it’s the best!

        Reply
  3. elks

    this is a really beautiful post and brought me to near-tears. thank you for sharing!

    also: hi! i added you as a friend a while back when i was searching for other folks who listed derrick jensen as an interest. sorry for lurking!

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Thank you. 🙂 I saw that you added me! I’ve added you back!

      It’s really cool to have a new friend who’s interested in Jensen. His writing and ideas are sort of ever-present in our house these days, and I’m interested in what other people think. Anyway, really good to have you as a new friend!

      Reply
  4. metalgypsy

    i agree totally! i love every day with my boy and at night when he falls asleep i am sad and amazed the day is over and that we had another wonderful day together and it went by so fast…

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      That is such a sweet image- you tucking him in at night and thinking those things! He’s a lucky boy to have such a good mama…

      Reply
  5. purerandomness

    Does Vera have a baby book or memory box at all? Because you should print out this entry and save it for her. I think she would appreciate later in life being able to look back at this time and realize your love for her and how deep and strong it was right now.

    She’s a beautiful girl and you’re so lucky to have her! 🙂

    PS- Tickle tickle mama eyes? Hilarious!

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      You know, thanks for this suggestion. I find that I’m too disorganized for something like that, but compiling things that I’ve already written/pictures I’ve already taken could be the ticket! I think I will make a little book for her. 🙂 Have you done anything like that for Ben?

      Reply
      1. purerandomness

        Ben has a baby book (one of traditional ones with pages for each month). I got it at my baby shower and I’m trying to be really good about keeping it updated and full of pictures. My own baby book is filled with notes and stickers for my first tooth, etc.
        Also, you could just archive your LJ entries and burn them on a disk for Vera to read when she gets older. That might be easier than making hard copies of everything!

        Reply
  6. prophetsong

    Beautiful beautiful post that brought tears to my eyes. That is exactly and entirely how I’m feeling about Zakary right now in my life 🙂

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Awww… much love mama! I’m so glad that you are there for that little guy the way that you are. 🙂

      Reply
  7. ladyfaith3

    I couldn’t agree with you more! I nearly cried reading this…I love my kids that’s why I am thrilled to be pregnant. I have had people look on me with pity when I tell them I am a stay home mom, I have had countless lectures on “getting away” for “me time” BUT I am not just “me” anymore, I am “mommy” and that is a high beautiful calling…it’s a gift, and you’re so right these little stinkers are only little for a short while and this is the time when you can really invest in the days, hours, minutes of their lives…I wouldn’t trade it for all the hobbies, careers, parties…or anything else!

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      I’m overwhelmed by the responses to this entry! I really feel so lucky to be exposed to such beautiful mothers and people- being a witness to your daily struggles and triumphs is really a privilege, so thanks for sharing. 🙂

      I also think you hit it on the head with the “I am not just ‘me’ anymore” thought. Independence, while still important to some degree, kind of looses its luster once you become so valuable to someone else’s life.

      Reply
      1. ladyfaith3

        one of the things I have been considering blogging about and haven’t gotten it right or had the time, is the sound of being called “Momma” My little Jabin has that little girl voice still and some days I hear that tittle and I feel so amazed that she is talking to me. Just think of what the word means to anyone emotionally. Mom = safe, love, comfort, a warm place, a hug, caregiver…and when Jorri says “Mom” in her not-so-little girl voice I realize I’ve been doing this a while now and have graduated from just love, and care to teacher, instructor, guide, and friend. As a mother I encourage the family to be close, I create a warm home, I feed more than stomachs and invest more than time…this is really the good life!

        Reply
  8. hanitious

    You Grace are making me broody! This whole post was lovely 🙂

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Aw! Love!

      Reply
  9. aamour

    oh grace…
    you are so beautiful.
    i look up to you and how your live your life so much.
    i know i’ve said this a bunch but…

    you inspire me.
    you really really really do. <3

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      You are incredibly sweet, my friend. It’ll be so nice to see you face to face so I can really hear about your adventures in detail. I’m so intrigued!

      Reply
  10. robinbronwen

    Awesome post. <3 <3 <3 <3 I can hardly wait to have my own babies.

    Reply
  11. Anonymous

    loved the last paragraph. so true and beautiful.

    Reply

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