I might die from this…

You think of all the things you might die from… cancer, disease, old age (of course the preferable option), diving in front of a bus heroically saving a little kid… In all my life I never considered I might die from being a mom. The other day Vera was coughing (milk down the wrong tube) and she stopped breathing for a brief second. Adrenaline shot through my body and I lifted her up and said “Breathe, baby.” And she did. Then, immediately after, with a red face and water still in her eyes, she cocked her head to the side and shot me a big grin. It occurred to me in that moment that this might kill me. Sometimes I look at her and everything inside me tingles and then hurts for just a split second. I should be so lucky to die from love.

She’s started to cry for attention recently. Even though it is a new interruption sometimes, it makes me really happy. I think that’s a big developmental breakthrough. Anyway, I love that sometimes all she wants is to be held and looked at. I can’t blame her, even if I am trying to finish reading something or eat my breakfast or whatever. I see this as an important time to teach her that I will always be there when she needs me. It’s a job some days, but I’m really trying to keep her fully attached and feeling safe. How cool is this job?
Jeff’s going to be gone all day today until late. I’ve been missing him lately, he’s been so busy. I’m sure it’s compacted by the fact that it means I’m the one that watches the baby 24/7 except for the occasional hour here and there. I don’t really think it will get “better” anytime soon though, so I need to stay positive. His schedule will likely stay the same for a while, then in the fall I’ll be back in school. I’m just working on accepting things I guess. Sometimes I wish that he were here more, or that I had an opportunity to go out with my friends without the baby for a couple of hours. I think it’s ok that I want that stuff, but I can’t let it make me upset or discouraged. Sometimes I just have to be more patient than I’d like, but isn’t that what makes patience a virtue? Besides, I know that I will look at this time and ache for it in later years. Things are so beautiful right now.

April 1st:
Morning.

April 2nd:
Maya does this when she wants attention.

April 3rd:
The sun was not just shining yesterday, but warming. I spent a little bit of time out on the porch with my friend. Jeff and I were able to run around in the backyard with Maya, she was ecstatic. Spring is here.

April 4th:
Ever since she was born she’s been so expressive with her hands. Now she’s got strength to match it- I’m going to have to start putting my hair up all the time…

Bonus pics:

We had a Mama and Vera photo session yesterday with Jeff.


Yesterday we tried those ear candle things and got all the wax out of our ears. It was so much fun! You know the strange satisfaction you get (pardon if this is gross for you) from say… picking a scab, or pushing on a bruise, or something like that? Well, that’s what this gave. We got a strange sense of accomplishment getting all that wax out of our ears. Fascinating. You should try it. It was kind of amazing to us. I remember as a kid I used to overproduce earwax and it would get itchy and make it harder to hear after a while. My mom would take me to the doctor and he would get it out with this long metal thing with a little ball at the end. I remember it was very uncomfortable and scary, but I did feel better afterwards. Well, if Vera has the same issue when she gets older this is a painless, easy, and fun way to do it.

Quote of the day:
“Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves.” -Blaise Pascal

Gracie
Gracie

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Comments (20)

  1. norwaygranny

    Now is the time to fully appreciate the usefulness of grammas – They are wonderful rescuers from cabin fever. If you can pump some milk for Baby – you can get some respite time. Yay for grammas!

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Indeed! Yay for grammas! I think I will definitely take your advice as soon as I get to pumping! Hopefully soon!

      Reply
  2. starz3838

    Vera is a little doll, she has got the most beautiful chubby cheeks. They look so kissable.

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Haha, you would be right. They ARE so kissable. Smooshy fat baby… gah I love it! Is Nolan getting chub yet?

      Reply
      1. starz3838

        He has gotten quite a bit recently, he is starting to fill out. I love his chunky cheeks.

        Reply
  3. lilpeace

    I totally know what you mean about the dying thing. I believe we’ve talked about it before. It is so overwhelming and powerful sometimes, this my-heart-will-stop-I-love-you-so-much Love. There were times when Tuula was an infant when it was physically painful. I remember watching Pan’s Labyrinth and sobbing and sobbing and just needing to hold her close for awhile.

    Maybe that was hormonal, but it was like the profundity of this little life in my hands hit home that day.

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Maybe being hormonal is more like a temporary glimpse at the truth. Nah.
      But yes, it is profound and awe-inspiring, and it makes my heart ache in a way I’ve never known. Aren’t we so blessed?

      Reply
  4. purerandomness

    I didn’t know you were going back to school? For what? Does this mean you get to stay home with Vera all summer? How wonderful! πŸ™‚

    I cannot wait until the sun shines every day and just a few moments is enough to warm you right through…. mmmm

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Well I was in school for social work, but I’ll have to come back to that. In the fall I plan to go for massage therapy. The Ann Arbor school has like a year program, then I can work flexible hours etc while Vera is young. Anyway, it’s great because it was something I planned to do after I graduated anyway- so this is just a little rearranging. Yep, I plan to stay with her through the summer. I think it’ll be fun!

      I agree. I haven’t seen any pictures of your yard! Hopefully I will soon, what with this super warming sun on its way.

      Reply
  5. nashifeet

    okay, my cat does that too.
    she used to do it on top of all of our midwives papers when i had prenatal care.

    is your bed frame from ikea?
    can we please get together?
    πŸ™‚

    our orange cat had ear mites and um…i cleaned his ears out obsessively because it was so great picking all that brown gunk out. i also clean grace’s ears like crazy, and sometimes i look at strangers and im like OMG CLEAN YOUR EARS PLZ.

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Haha. Cats. I had cats before Jeff (allergic). Why do they love open books and homework so much?

      Yep. Ikea. I love our bed. It’s actually the only new piece of furniture we ever bought ourselves (excluding our dining table and chairs that were a wedding present). I have to say… it was well worth it. I sleep so much better now!

      See, I know that if people are honest with themselves then they know the satisfaction. Jeff has this old ear piercing that he never uses anymore, and for some weird reason I am always compelled to stick an earring through it. Why? I don’t have a clue. I just want to.

      Reply
  6. pithy_epigrams

    You and Vera look so happy!

    I always wanted to try ear candles, now I think I will.

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Do it! It’s so fun!

      Reply
  7. unicorntapestry

    I love the pic with the big Vera grin! aw…

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      MWA!

      Reply
  8. Anonymous

    oh my word, the vera/momma photo shoot pics are killing me! they are SO SO adorable! You look so happy and vera looks so cute! i change my mind, don’t come back to work ever, you look too perfect at home with very-pie!.

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Yay! I am so happy being with her. You know I love you guys, and I will of course come back to visit!

      Reply
  9. prophetsong

    I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I get terrified because I know I’ll never sleep easy again because with this incredible tie to my beautiful boyhow can I ever stop worrying about him unless I’m wide awake and watching over him? The love is so intense that’s it’s really beyond joy isn’t it? It actually physically hurts and that is an amazing privilage.

    Sometimes when I get tired and Zakary is cranky and needs me to find a way tocalm him I remember that these are the very moments I’ll treasure and long for in years to come and I realise that this is the best thing in world…

    Reply
    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Hey lady- we need pictures! I’m sure he’s so big now! SHOW US SOME BABY!!!

      And yes, how cool is it that we get to do this? I feel so much more connected to the world and especially other mothers now.

      Reply
      1. prophetsong

        Your wish is my command. New pics on my LJ now πŸ™‚

        It’s fab isn’t it? And I know exactly what you mean!

        Reply

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