I choose to risk my significance…

Busy busy. Good as usual. My baby has a very very snotty nose. I have to squeegee it, and then she yells at me. Other than that I’ve been planting some native flowers- wild geraniums, columbine, “yellows”, iris… It’s all very exciting. I love this time of year. There’s so much potential.

I am feeling more and more like I don’t have room for a lot of negativity in my life. It’s kind of like, when drama really takes over your life, and there isn’t much idle emotional time, well, the bullshit goes away for the most part. I mean, we all have our legitimate issues and whatnot, but what you allow to upset you can change. For instance, I have a friend who complains every time I see her. Usually about relationships, people we know, etc. Something is ALWAYS wrong.This used to be fine by me, I was happy to be there for her. Now, with a kid and all that goes with that… I just want her to get over it. It’s like “Ohmigosh so can you believe he didn’t call me?” or “I just think they are really annoying, and she’s just weird and looks at me funny, and…” and I’m thinking “Um, how about having an 8.5 pound person push their way out of your vagina?” or “Do you sleep all the way through the night?” or something like that. I know this sounds harsh and ridiculous, but I swear, I don’t have the patience for those kinds of frivolous complaints. I just don’t. I have so much that I could complain about that just won’t change, so I just might as well feel better about it, and so I do, and then I see that people are complaining about (to be fair) what I see to be so much less important shit, and I’m just… over it. Be happy dammit. I know it’s not like it’s intentional.
I knew a woman who worked with me at the market, about 6 years ago now. She was a cashier, and we talked a lot during slow times. She was one of the most upbeat easy-going people I had ever met. I LOVED talking to her. Over time I got to know her more, and it turned out that her ex-husband was insane and tried to kill their eldest daughter. I mean, he stabbed her 12 times in their own house. Here she was, mother of five, in the process of patching her broken family back together. She worked two full time jobs, and still had the energy and desire to encourage and entertain all of us, to listen to me- an over-dramatic 17 year old. I guess I just understand now that sometimes things just aren’t fair. People won’t always be able to know what you need. People won’t always respond the way you want them to. Sometimes things really just are hard. And so I’m learning that the best thing to do is to accept it, own it, and be happy anyway. Don’t linger in a puddle of self-pitying thoughts. Let them go. Do your best, don’t let people mistreat you (as best you can), but also allow them to love you in the way that they offer. “Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have.” Just like that. I mean it, just like that. Soon enough, I think it’s not just that you’re happy in spite of the hard things, it’s that you’re happy in light of them. I know I’m oversimplifying to a large degree, but hey, you get the gist. Now did I just bitch about bitching? Hmm. Well, I’m happily moving on now. 😛

May 8th:
I was shocked to find that I actually forgot to take a picture on this day. So I pulled one from an old friend from around this time of year a few years ago. He had just moved home to Japan and sent pictures of the Sakura (cherry blossom) trees there in full bloom. This picture is one of my favorites, and is often my desktop wallpaper. Enjoy!

May 9th:

May 10th:
My eye caught this picture of Gretchen when she was little- it’s seriously uncanny how similar she and Tuula look. I see her dad in her for sure, but looking at that photo was wild. My lovely sister and her family!

May 11th:
Mother’s day. It was a busy one for sure! My first. It was definitely special. I kept forgetting that it also applied to me this year. haha. Jeff was a darling and let me sleep in a little. His brother and sister-in-law bought my brunch at this shnazzy hotel restaurant. My mother-in-law got me a hanging pot with Gerbera daisies in it (my favorite! I had these flowers at my wedding). Then we went and had tea with my mom. I gave her a sling I bought off someone in the cloth diapering community. I know she’ll want to walk with both Vera and Tuula this spring/summer, so I thought it would be nice. We tried it on and Vera was snug as a bug! I loved seeing my mom baby-wearing. All in all I felt very loved and appreciated. It was interesting to think about the fact that this holiday is put in place to honor women who support and nurture life. That’s so awesome. Happy Mother’s Day to all of my momma friends. It’s a good job.

May 12th:
Ok, I can’t stand it. She’s like a burst of sunshine every morning.

I ran across this quote yesterday and it gave me chills… it’s probably what prompted my negativity rant, but anyway. It’s so inspiring.

Quote of the Day:

“I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or
catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.”

Dawna Markova



Comments (17)

  1. pearlstreetdiva

    GRACE! the pictures are wonderful…your mom babywearing!!! now that is supportive of your parenting choices!! i think vera already looks so different than from your visit!

    i echo you on the complaining stuff…..I have always felt a bit ageist in some regard but gretchen told me i wasnt and i forget why. she had a good way of explaining it as ALWAYS but yeah i can’t take people seriously and i feel bad about it because it is their feelings, their lives and to them it has a lot of meaning. ah shucks….but of course there isn’t any damage being done when trying to be positive….so BE HAPPY!

    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Yes! A toast to being intentionally happy! Really? She looks different already? Man, they change so fast. That just means we have to keep seeing each other regularly.

      Happy Mother’s Day- I hope it was great for you.

  2. nashifeet

    im glad you had a good mothers day!

    i get that a lot too, the thought like, are you seriously complaining about that??? youre tired because why? because you stayed out late? really? ive actually found myself snapping on days where i was really tired, and someone whined at work.

    then i remember how i used to complain about things or worry about things that were so silly, and i remember how important they were to me, and how much it meant to have someone listen and care about my stupid thoughts, and how without that i probably wouldnt be half the woman i am now, so i try and keep my mouth shut 🙂

    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Yeah exactly! I guess it’s not really just complaining in general. It’s the trash-talking kind that is probably not really sincere because were those people around you wouldn’t be saying any of it. I’m all about a little whining here and there- it’s inevitable. I guess I should have clarified- I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t want to hear about legitimate concerns or the occasional good-ol-bitch-session. That’s healthy. However, when it’s all you ever hear from a person, well, you get to wondering about the point of it all and why they are staying in situations that make them unhappy always. Anyway. I’m really just advocating positive thinking.

  3. david_anderson

    That would be weird, when a holiday suddenly becomes about you, when it’s been about other people for your whole life.

    I’m a believer in venting about the negative, to let it out. It’s when you dwell on the negative, that it poisons you.

    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Haha. It was weird that way.

      I agree with you here. I suppose my only issue would be the motives when venting. For instance, it’s really healthy to talk to a trusted friend about personal issues if that’s what you feel might be helpful. However, I don’t really feel like it’s a good thing to trash mutual friends, or to talk about how basically everything is against you all the time, never do anything to improve the situation, and drive most of your friends away. I’m sure these are signs of depression, which is why I dutifully keep my mouth shut, or I confine my comments to those that are empathetic rather than advice giving. You are totally right though- I get to vent and that’s a good thing!

      1. david_anderson

        The “trash mutual friends” thing is a pet peeve of mine. I simply won’t let them do it to me. When two friends get divorced, I tell them both that I’m there to listen to anything on their mind, except how terrible the other person is, and that I will not take sides. I make them rephrase it so it is about a problem, and not about the person.

        Of course, I’m a guy, so most of the time I don’t have to pretend to care. The proper guy solution is to make fun of their problems till they realize how stupid they’ve been, or they shut up from embarrassment. Of course, this rule only applies to other guys, at least while we are sober.

        1. Gracie (Post author)

          Haha. The funny thing is that it’s so true. Jeff and I talk about that all the time. Sometimes he’ll tell me about a situation and I’ll think “That’s it? They just joked about it and moved on?” Sometimes I envy that approach.

          1. david_anderson

            But if women were able to do that, who would actually deal with problems? All we are capable of doing is making fun of stuff, or fixing things that are broke. We need the women to be able to deal with the subtleties.

            The other thing women can’t do is the “guy hello” of just nodding when you pass. I’ve never quite figured out why that is. I wonder if that’s the case in other cultures as well.

          2. Gracie (Post author)

            I love it. We do deal with those subtleties. Of course there are exceptions to these rules, but I wonder if it’s a difference based on physiology or upbringing, or both? Who knows…

            I love the nod! I do that too sometimes, although it is usually paired with a smile or something. I can’t just nod. Or the hat tip. The hat tip is great.

  4. csgraham

    Damn it. I was totally going to call you out on complaining about people complaining. But then you did yourself at the end. I really hate it when you do that. It bugs me a lot. Why doesn’t anybody give me the satisfaction of being the better person? Geez.

    (see what I did there?)

    1. Gracie (Post author)

      Hahaha. I miss you. Do you have time to walk on Friday evening?

      1. csgraham

        Might be going to see Narnia 2, but probably not. So yeah, I probably do have time to walk on Friday evening. I might even have my car working by then.

        1. Gracie (Post author)

          Hey, I’m about to get bottles and stuff- any day now they should arrive- which means I am up for the occasional movie!!! (Not to imply that I’m invited, it just got me thinking) Hooray!!! I would take her to movies now, except I don’t really want to risk pissing people off with a fussing baby, even if it’s just for a minute. Movies are too expensive to interrupt these days.

          Anyway, let me know what you’re doing by then. We could grill maybe. 🙂

          1. csgraham

            There’s no reason a movie can’t wait until the weekend. Opening night is too stupid for the big ones, anyways. Canton’s only 4 bucks with student ID in the evening. I’ll be sure to let you know when we go to one.
            I know we’re gonna see Narnia 2 and Indy Jones 4 and Dark Knight in theaters. Though we hope they can hold their own against Iron Man.

            Yeah, no baby no cry. I’d probably shun you afterwards so people didn’t know I was associated with the baby lady.

  5. Gracie (Post author)

    Thank you! We are doing great. I love your new icon- you look so great!

    1. pithy_epigrams

      Thanks so much! I was really happy at that moment. (I don’t know what I did, but I deleted the first comment. Oops!)You all look lovely as well. Little Vera is such a doll!


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