I choose to risk my significance…

Busy busy. Good as usual. My baby has a very very snotty nose. I have to squeegee it, and then she yells at me. Other than that I’ve been planting some native flowers- wild geraniums, columbine, “yellows”, iris… It’s all very exciting. I love this time of year. There’s so much potential.

I am feeling more and more like I don’t have room for a lot of negativity in my life. It’s kind of like, when drama really takes over your life, and there isn’t much idle emotional time, well, the bullshit goes away for the most part. I mean, we all have our legitimate issues and whatnot, but what you allow to upset you can change. For instance, I have a friend who complains every time I see her. Usually about relationships, people we know, etc. Something is ALWAYS wrong.This used to be fine by me, I was happy to be there for her. Now, with a kid and all that goes with that… I just want her to get over it. It’s like “Ohmigosh so can you believe he didn’t call me?” or “I just think they are really annoying, and she’s just weird and looks at me funny, and…” and I’m thinking “Um, how about having an 8.5 pound person push their way out of your vagina?” or “Do you sleep all the way through the night?” or something like that. I know this sounds harsh and ridiculous, but I swear, I don’t have the patience for those kinds of frivolous complaints. I just don’t. I have so much that I could complain about that just won’t change, so I just might as well feel better about it, and so I do, and then I see that people are complaining about (to be fair) what I see to be so much less important shit, and I’m just… over it. Be happy dammit. I know it’s not like it’s intentional.
I knew a woman who worked with me at the market, about 6 years ago now. She was a cashier, and we talked a lot during slow times. She was one of the most upbeat easy-going people I had ever met. I LOVED talking to her. Over time I got to know her more, and it turned out that her ex-husband was insane and tried to kill their eldest daughter. I mean, he stabbed her 12 times in their own house. Here she was, mother of five, in the process of patching her broken family back together. She worked two full time jobs, and still had the energy and desire to encourage and entertain all of us, to listen to me- an over-dramatic 17 year old. I guess I just understand now that sometimes things just aren’t fair. People won’t always be able to know what you need. People won’t always respond the way you want them to. Sometimes things really just are hard. And so I’m learning that the best thing to do is to accept it, own it, and be happy anyway. Don’t linger in a puddle of self-pitying thoughts. Let them go. Do your best, don’t let people mistreat you (as best you can), but also allow them to love you in the way that they offer. “Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have.” Just like that. I mean it, just like that. Soon enough, I think it’s not just that you’re happy in spite of the hard things, it’s that you’re happy in light of them. I know I’m oversimplifying to a large degree, but hey, you get the gist. Now did I just bitch about bitching? Hmm. Well, I’m happily moving on now. 😛

May 8th:
I was shocked to find that I actually forgot to take a picture on this day. So I pulled one from an old friend from around this time of year a few years ago. He had just moved home to Japan and sent pictures of the Sakura (cherry blossom) trees there in full bloom. This picture is one of my favorites, and is often my desktop wallpaper. Enjoy!

May 9th:

May 10th:
My eye caught this picture of Gretchen when she was little- it’s seriously uncanny how similar she and Tuula look. I see her dad in her for sure, but looking at that photo was wild. My lovely sister and her family!

May 11th:
Mother’s day. It was a busy one for sure! My first. It was definitely special. I kept forgetting that it also applied to me this year. haha. Jeff was a darling and let me sleep in a little. His brother and sister-in-law bought my brunch at this shnazzy hotel restaurant. My mother-in-law got me a hanging pot with Gerbera daisies in it (my favorite! I had these flowers at my wedding). Then we went and had tea with my mom. I gave her a sling I bought off someone in the cloth diapering community. I know she’ll want to walk with both Vera and Tuula this spring/summer, so I thought it would be nice. We tried it on and Vera was snug as a bug! I loved seeing my mom baby-wearing. All in all I felt very loved and appreciated. It was interesting to think about the fact that this holiday is put in place to honor women who support and nurture life. That’s so awesome. Happy Mother’s Day to all of my momma friends. It’s a good job.

May 12th:
Ok, I can’t stand it. She’s like a burst of sunshine every morning.

I ran across this quote yesterday and it gave me chills… it’s probably what prompted my negativity rant, but anyway. It’s so inspiring.

Quote of the Day:

“I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or
catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.”

Dawna Markova




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