Concussed.

My head. I walked into the end of a door last week and managed to give myself a concussion. That day I had a mild headache and felt kind of weepy, but then I felt pretty fine for the next couple of days. Then I started to have more severe headaches, light sensitivity, muscle tightness, confusion and trouble concentrating, feeling emotionally tender and unstable, and a strange jolting nerve pain up the back right side of my head that makes my eye twitch. Oh boy. So I took myself to urgent care and they confirmed that I have "post concussive syndrome". That bonk caused my brain to rattle around inside my skull, and caused a bit of whiplash which resulted in the strange nerve pain I'm experiencing. I have no reason not to expect a full recovery, but I have to take it easy, which is hard for me. I am not a crazy busy body, but I am active and I like to be. My life demands it at this point. Farmer/mother/friend makes a girl move and think, and lately I can barely remember what it was I wanted to say.

I know this is a good opportunity for me. I have always had trouble asking for help or knowing how to care for myself in situations like this. I think I do okay for myself under normal circumstances, but I'm often putting the needs of others before my own, so much so that I don't even really know what I want or need. It's just my personality and a way in which I need to improve. I watch people well, but I have a harder time seeing myself. It's more confusing in this situation because at one moment I may feel just a little sensitive and headachy, and then at another I'm nauseated and falling asleep on the couch. I don't really know what to expect, and everything I'm learning about concussions says to take it easy even if you don't feel like it. Brains heal slowly and you don't want to screw it up. Low light and activity and stress.

I cried this morning at the doctor's office. She told me no exercise until my headaches are gone. Not even yoga. She was great, handing me tissues and telling me my emotions were to be expected. I basically have to put a lot of my life on hold. I have to loosen my grip on a lot of things I wanted to achieve this fall – doula work, much of the active farming I had planned, etc. I have to say, I am still feeling lots of gratitude sprinkled in there with the disappointment. I feel really grateful that this happened at this particular time of year, rather than in the spring or summer. I'm grateful that our friends moved in when they did, just in time to help with the day-to-day stuff and planning that I used to do almost entirely on my own. Someone is moving the laundry through, someone is running the dishwasher. Someone is around to relieve me from all duties so I can rest my head. My heart swells knowing I have so much love and support right in my own home. And Jeff! He's so protective and sweet and it's got me all a-flutter despite my constant throbbing brain. He said last night "I need you around for another 70 years!" I joked about how I was actually going to make it another 80, but that 70 was a good goal for him… (my great-grandmother lived to 107) He's definitely my bff these days. 

I do know that peace is right here, within me. Perhaps I'll find more time to write in the coming weeks! 

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