Can we be friends?
What do you all think of this theory?
I guess I have just found that I used to have some really close guy friends, and we’re still friends, but it’s just not the same anymore since Jeff. It’s especially noticeable with the old friends that I had that are now involved with girlfriends of mine. It’s as if my loyalty just shifted to the women- not for any reason though. It’s like it was as natural as it could be.
There is a part of me that misses the emotional intimacy I had with some of these friends. I really cherished the dynamic between myself and my guy friends- it was just somehow simpler and way less likely to have needless drama. I don’t really have much drama with my girlfriends, but it is different in a way. Now that I think of it, I had a girlfriend who wanted to have a relationship with me at one point, and ever since that tension was established we no longer had the same type of intimacy that we once did. Now I never see her, which is good cuz she turned out to be a loon, but with all of these people I really did want to continue having the same quality relationship that I once did, but now it seems that I just can’t. I asked my coworker (who’s been with her partner for several years) if she had any close guy friends. She said yes, but then she told me that they all happened to be gay. Interesting.
Now this is not to say that I don’t have successful friendships with men… I do. They just don’t have the same quality or intimacy that they did have when I was single, and they don’t in any way compare to my relationships with women- and at one time I could say that they did. This is also not to say that I love the women in my life more, because I don’t, but the emotional complexity and depth is just different.
I also hate to be a pessimist, but I have seen friends attempt this kind of deep relationship with others while in a relationship, and they have usually grown apart from their partner- and sometimes cheated. I mean, aside from it just being good common sense to not go out drinking and bonding with someone other than your partner… i dunno. I guess I’m not claiming to have an answer to this one. I just know that as part of the general maintainance of our relationship, we have just sort of naturally become less intimate with certain people.
What is your experience with this?
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Generally I think this theory is true, actually. The exceptions of course, would be gay men, and some men where there is really no intimacy involved at all–I’d say relatively superficial (legitimate, but not intimate) friendships.
I guess I do think that men can be friends with women who they do NOT find attractive. And women can be friends with men who they do not find attractive. If you’re single you can be “friends” with anyone–but there’s guaranteed to be some kind of flirtation involved. I agree that “the sex part” gets in the way. Even if it’s unspoken.
I had lots of male friends in high school–and I was just as naive as Sally. In hindsight, and many of them admitted this–they really would have had sex with me had I initiated anything. I actually think I sortof knew this and enjoyed it, but ignored it. And then there are the few (well, between few and several) male “friends” with whom we DID end up having sex. And then the friendship was awkward and basically doomed.
The male friends I had left when I got married have slowly drifted away–and not because I’ve lost contact. They have stopped contacting me as much, which leads me to believe that, now that I’m definitely off limits, there’s not much left to pursue.
Thankfully I’m not really sad about this because I believe men have alien brains and the only ones I can handle in close proximity to myself are my husband and my male relatives. Even then I have trouble sometimes.
🙂 Gotta love that movie.