Polliwog Farm

Always a patch of ice…

It never ceases to amaze me, the way that my head can take over. Even when everything in my life is a blessing I have to muck it up for myself. Hmm… I’m not particularly unhappy, I’m just finding myself more emotional than usual (which can be embarrassing) and I feel bad about my body lately. It’s frustrating to struggle with a bunch of imaginary stresses. Jeff is good to have around. He not only likes my body, he wants to be stuck with it forever.
I think the worst thing is that I really love myself. I think I’m great, but I let myself get plagued with these feelings and illusions that hinder my progress. Why? I’m not overweight or ugly or stupid but I FEEL that way. How do I stop that? The only days I get relief are the days that I forget about it.
I also try to remind myself that I’m being completely self-absorbed and that I should focus on other things, but it is almost unconscious. But I know that it will pass. It always does, and I can always have faith that I’ll feel better in a little while. Because it never fails.
Well. Just wanted to formulate my thoughts.


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2 thoughts on “Always a patch of ice…

  1. Me too

    I’ve been almost exactly the same way lately, about body crap and school. To be honest, I don’t think I can really say “I love myself” yet, but I like myself, I really do! And it’s like I can feel how irrational my own self-doubting thoughts are, but they’re just default thoughts that come into my head anyway. I don’t really know how to stop them, except for not focusing on yourself like that, especially when you know deep down that those thoughts are not true. I find that helping people around me, in any way I can, helps. Like giving rides or encouragement or cleaning up the house or anything, it does help, for the moment…which is all you need anyway. I don’t think there’s a solid way to fix thoughts like these permanently, I think it’s a constant work in progress.

  2. First of all, you’re luhvley…

    …and I think I can relate. Often times there are things about my physical self that make me look and go “ew.” or think “how could anyone love this.” Come to think of it, I’m in an almost constant state of dissatisfaction with something in regard to that. More toned, less hairy, clearer skin, thinner ankles, etc. etc. Whatever.

    I guess what makes me feel better is knowing and really getting that I have only one opinion. And knowing myself, I know that I am often hyper-critical and a perfectionist. So, it’s no wonder I’m never satisfied. But, people don’t seem to be repulsed, so I must not look as gross as I feel sometimes. Also, I try to remind myself that my body is a living organism, and it was built with a plan. It is exactly the way it is supposed to be, and me wishing things were different is self-defeating. I will grow older and get wrinkled and saggy and heavier and probably hairier. And I hate to think about it. But, that’s what bodies do.

    I guess I sortof go on the hope that the younger I grow my soul & my heart, the more it’ll seep through my pores and glow. You’ve got that glow, Gracie, and that’s what will draw people and make them stick around, yes? Not to mention you’re darn cute, too.

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