A time to be… whatever

It recently occured to me that my housemate is taking advantage of my generosity. Grr… Of course, I can’t be too upset about it because I certainly have given him what he’s asked for, naively, for the past month and a half. I just tend to think that people are telling me the truth when they say “I will reimburse you” or “I’m going to get my own”. Silly me. Anyway. So yesterday I come to this realization, and I’m quite hurt by it all. I thought about it for a second, and since there were 2 other friends besides this housemate and my husband there, I decided on the best course of action. I requested that Jeff (the hubby, for those of you that don’t know) talk to said housemate because a)they are closer, b)I didn’t want to put him on the spot in front of friends, c) I wasn’t going to see him for the rest of the day, Jeff was, and I wanted to be reimbursed THAT DAY on principle.
Well, I come home to find that Jeff did not ask him what he said he would. So I’m bummed. Partially because I had just come to the realization that I was being taken advantage of, and also because my guy decided after the fact that it wasn’t important enough to ruffle any feathers over. I would have done it myself if I knew that he was going to back out of it.
What I’m most upset about, however, is the fact that I get home, am justifiably upset, and then I get shit like “I didn’t think it would be this big a deal to you” or “I’m a man, you’re a woman, I guess we rationalize things differently” and “I think you should really think about this in a different way” “Are you holding some resentments, sweetie?” “You’re taking this all out on me” and probably about a million “I’m sorry, but… well, you’re being unreasonable”. I barely said a word until I felt like I was going to pop. In addition to feeling sad about just the situation (I was stern, but not over-reactive), I felt like just expressing that to Jeff warranted a showering of invalidating comments. I was not allowed to feel that way last night as far as he was concerned. It made him uncomfortable, so I couldn’t even gently tell him why I felt the way I did, or even sit quietly. He just kept fighting it in this really condescending manner. I got angry to the point where I was silent and I could feel my face burning red. Crappy.
He at one point said “Aren’t you supposed to forgive people?”
For those of you that don’t know me well, forgiveness is something that I feel is essential to living a happy life. But, because of that fact, I felt like it was a cheap shot on his part. I am allowed to be angry. I don’t want it to become a pattern in my life, but if I feel that I’ve been wronged (as long as I don’t lash out or treat people disrespectfully) aren’t I allowed to just be dissapointed and angry for a moment?
I felt manipulated and alone last night. This morning was no prize either. He told me “You’ll be fine”.
Fuck yes, I’ll be fine. I’m making steps that will KEEP me from holding resentments. If I’m alone in that endeavour, so be it.
I’m not saying this stuff to bash my husband. I just needed to vent. I couldn’t say much last night without interruption, so this feels good. I’m sure that today will sort much out. Not too bad for our first married FIGHT.
I love him, and he loves me. Learning that love doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get understanding or compassion all the time is somewhat dissapointing, but important none the less. I’m learning more and more that rarely do people fully meet your expectations, and that’s ok. After all, an expectation is a premeditated resentment.
I suppose I can work on being more patient. Jeff gets defensive when I’m visibly upset and will try to rationalize out of it, even without being provoked. So noted. You learn something every day.


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Comments (2)

  1. lilpeace

    oh grace-ela 🙁

    I’m sorry you had such a rough night. I wish I could give you a big hug, and I can see how frustrating and probably infuriating this must have been for you.

    You were not wrong to be irritated, either with said housemate or J. You were not being unreasonable, and that sucks that the men involved couldn’t handle you feeling upset. It does sound like J handled it by invalidating and patronizing you. Yuck.

    Hopefully he can realize that after things cool off a bit. Let me know if I can do anything (other than love you lots n lots) to be a support to you. You ARE allowed to be angry sometimes. In fact, I think it’s probably a really good thing.

  2. anacat

    what really matters

    it’s interesting to discover these qualities about such intricate issues and ideas such as what love constitutes. for so long, well, as long as it was ever happening, we had this comfortable, manageable, idealistic image of what love was composed of…even what it felt like. it’s surreal to understand love with new vision. and it’s not that we necessarily understand it, because i don’t think that’s ever possible (which makes it what it is), but we feel it in a more truthful, complete way. and somehow, even when it’s infuriating or heart breaking, it’s more satisfying than always being in a blissful state. we need the trials and tribulations to balance the sometimes overwhelmingly awesome side of love.
    i’m glad that you allow yourself to be truthful to your heart. so many people get into big trouble when they don’t. you’ve got a great head on your shoulders, just remember that!
    and don’t judge your own feelings, no matter how disconcerting, right when you feel them. this is very hard to do, but try to understand them first. i find this helps the world over when things go awry with the ones i love.


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