A little ranting, but very therapeutic!

This week has brought both solidity and uncertainty. I’m 10 weeks today, and I feel confident that everything is going well. However, when coming to things that I thought were solid, I can’t seem to shake doubt and fear about the future. This morning I read about how this week brings emotional turmoil for some, and can cause anxiety about things to come. It made me feel a little better. I don’t know what’s going on with the house. I don’t know what I’m going to do about work. I don’t know about money. I don’t know about Jeff’s job. I don’t know about school.
So many things are up in the air because of this new development.

Basically, the house is iffy because I’m not sure that we are up for being landlords right now. We can’t really afford to pay for the whole house without rent, and that just tells me that it’s too big a risk for us right now. Jeff loves the idea of having a rental property, but I dread having to deal with living below our tenants. I wouldn’t want to deal with noise or smoke or messes or late rent or parties. I really just want a space of our own, that doesn’t need a lot of work, that I can feel comfortable in for a while.

So I found a house. It’s 30k less than ours, and on the same street. It’s got a much bigger yard, more updated features, 2 bedrooms, a finished basement, wood floors (that are not as old and slanty as ours), a fireplace, an adorable old kitchen, and all the windows you could hope for. Oh, and a front porch. I NEED a front porch. So I told J about it, and he was grump-tastic. He didn’t really want to think positively about it at all, and it made me really frustrated. He did agree to see the house with me though, and we went yesterday. It was better than I thought it would be, and Jeff spent a good twenty minutes in each area inspecting and smiling and looking hopeful. When we left he said he really liked it, but that he’s not sure we can even afford that monthly payment. The only reason that we’re having trouble is because of Ypsilanti’s out-fucking-ragious property taxes. They are close to $3000 a year, just for that property. Our house it would be closer to 3500, but we’d have the tenant to help make ends meet. It adds an extra $300 bucks or so to our monthly payment, and its just enough to make things complicated for our budget. I am just determined to make it work. I feel really good about this new place, and I want it to just work out.

Anyway, the way J made things sound it was like maybe we can’t afford to buy at all, and all these months of preparation are for nothing. I am a believer that things always work out the way that they are supposed to, but I can’t for the life of me make sense of all this uncertainty. I would love to just relax and let life take its course- but there are big decisions to be made in the next couple of months. Sheesh. I just feel so up in the air.

I was also really looking forward to going to school this fall, but now it’s looking like I have to just work full time. Jeff graduates in April, and so we agreed that was the most important thing (since my graduation date is much further off), so I will put school on hold for a while. I mourned this yesterday, and while I know it’s a responsible thing to do, I can’t help but feel jealous of him. I need to keep in mind that after April he will be working full time, and I will be in school. I will be a student for a while and it may be some time before he feels free too.

I am trying to stay hopeful. I will take it all in stride and recognize that right now I am emotionally and mentally fragile, and that to overthink things at this point would be unwise. Send me good and peaceful energy, ok friends?


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