I keep finding myself in these situations where I’m forced to grow in some way. Each day presents me with new opportunities, and each day I discover new things about myself, my life, my friends, etc. I’ve also recently been working on embracing simplicity, humanity, and a generally good spirit about things. I am really excited about these changes happening within myself. I’ve adopted a new perspective. I feel more confident, less stressed, better able to empathize… and on and on. The one thing I’ve liked the most is how awed I am by the everyday now. I feel grateful all the time, I’m happy to be exactly where I am, and I have less of a tendency to be self-centered or insecure.
Yesterday was one of those awe-filled days. I worked on things I’d wanted to for a long time, and Maya and I took a long quiet walk. It was exceptionally warm and sunny. It was a perfect fall day. Then Jeff brought home dinner and cooked it for me. He lit candles… We rented a movie after. We drank wine and laughed and went to bed. Yay.
It’s all about finding a balance though. With all these positive changes in my life, I need to be aware of the things that may no longer be good for me- chapters in my life that are over. Today I went out with my ex-boyfriend (the only really serious one before Jeff). He was visiting from Chicago for the weekend, so we were gonna go to lunch and romp around the train yards to look at the graffiti. I always have fun with him when he’s in town, and I’m really grateful that we’ve remained friends through everything. Today sucked though. We went to lunch and he told me all about how he broke up with his girlfriend because she “annoyed him.” He said she was needy and always questioning his devotion, to which he would mimic this whining and tell her to shut up. He snapped at me while we were driving because we were going to be late to meet friends I didn’t know we were meeting. He met up with his “friends” who, I kid you not, said some of the most misogynistic, hateful, pig-headed things I’ve ever heard. I can’t even repeat them. I was sitting there with Maya just disgusted. He could tell that it was bad, so he tried to make it better by slightly teasing his friends, but it didn’t stop him from joining in when I walked away to let the dog go pee. They were getting drunk, and after they finished they would throw the glass bottles on the ground so they’d break all over the place. Aside from the fact that there was me and my dog there, this bridge was also home to someone (made evident by the bedding nearby). I heard not only about their blaring hatred and disrespect for women, they also hate people who are fat, educated, environmentally responsible, and… not them. This is the wrong fucking town. I just couldn’t believe that this was going on right in front of me. Like they were saying “Oh, all women except for you.”
I guess my point is that I as often as I am awed by the world around me in a good way, it never ceases to teach me lessons with the bad as well. Today I was severely dissapointed and exhausted by someone I thought, at one time, I would be with forever. I immediately called Jeff when I left and told him how much I loved him. I went straight to my brother’s house and hugged him on the couch for a while laughing at Arrested Development. I am really lucky to have such good men in my life, and I should encourage and praise them for being that way in spite of influences like that.
That’s the end of my rant, I needed to get it out.