I had a couple of moments today where I felt either peaceful and totally ok with who I am, or… well… slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed. Actually, these moments have been kind of interwoven, as if to balance each other out so I don’t feel too happy or humiliated. Anyway, I tend to have a hard time with feeling ashamed of myself, or embarrassed, as I’m sure most people do- so when I found out that an argument I had with a friend (at the place where I volunteer) was overheard by quite a few people and that my “supervisor” is meant to speak with me about it, I felt sort of dopey.
I am not one to shirk the responsibility of a dumb decision so as to dodge humiliation, so I recognized the need to tackle it head on. I called immediately and apologized to them, assuring them it wouldn’t happen again. This did not fully appease my embarrassment, so I got to thinking about how important it is to handle yourself wisely in situations such as this one. We all make mistakes, and occasionally blur the lines between our presenting and private selves. This is in many ways inevitable, and try as I might to keep things beautiful on the surface (at least in places like work or volunteering, etc.), occasionally I am bound to fall on my ass in front of everyone. Thankfully, in most places people understand my overwhelming need to be human, and treat me with kindness and understanding.
Basically, I feel like it’s ok to give myself a break. I absolutely needed to make amends for my bad behavior, but I also don’t need to beat myself up about it. It’s hard not to beat myself up over stuff like that.
Luckily, I like to listen to This American Life at work, and so I was browsing the archives to find a show I hadn’t heard, and I came upon one called “Fiasco!“. This show has made me feel much better- in a way that does not let me off the hook for being clumsy, but does help me to laugh at it. After all, most things in humor are based on things that are painful.
Listen to the show if you have the time. It’s humbling and good for what ails you.
Anyway, I guess my point is, we are just who we are, and that’s good.