With joy.

Posted On April 24, 2014

I got home this afternoon from work only to see my family on their way out the door. Vera was peppy and happy waving coupons for the craft store in my face and pointing at a birdhouse for sale. She said "Daddy will buy us two if it's not too much money, but if it is too much money he'll get us one. We can paint it!" And off they went. Now I'm decompressing in the greenhouse with a cup of tea, and it's heavenly.

I'll plant everything up in this garden within the next week or so. I'm taking a decidedly more relaxed approach here at home, very "throw and grow". I plan to fill the greenhouse with tomatoes and hope they come on early. I'm going to fill the rest of the beds with greens and roots, just seeds thrown down at the ground and watered- thinning for early salads and garden munching. I figure I'll pass on the later season stuff and probably just buy from friends at market. I might just plan a fall garden on the land. If this whole house-selling business goes well, we're hoping to be out there by the beginning of September. We will see, of course.

At work I'm busy busy, and it's definitely scratching my itch for all that farm activity we don't have at home this year. I've got several thousand seedlings going there. Everything is going really well so far this season, although it's at this delicate place where we have to stay on top of it. So far so good.

All the colder season stuff is hardening off and almost ready to plant. Onions, leeks, celery, parsley, cabbage, kale, broccoli, cauliflower, lettuces, collards, and kohlrabi.

Garlic is coming up. Goodness I love what I do. I'm going to have to start taking naps, though. This up-early farm work can make me a little zombified by dinnertime.

At home it's basically a mix of taking care of kids and house and microgreens, and fixing up the place to sell. This has been both really satisfying and a little sad. I'm glad we're doing it and we feel ready. But also we see the absurdity in fixing the place up after 5 years living here, only for other people instead of ourselves. Anyway, it's mostly easy cosmetic improvements, and it's fun to work with my Jeff and sense his satisfaction at the end of a good day filled with progress. I am tired, though. It occurred to me that we do run the risk of burning out and feeling resentful in the coming weeks. I remembered a story my mom told me recently about an experience she had when we were all very young where all her self-pity seemed to miraculously leave her. She remembers this time lasting 10 straight days, and she recalls the experience vividly. She said that during this time everything got easier- work around the house was easier, we all behaved better, etc. The lack of negative self-talk made an incredible difference in her perception of her days. I love this story, because it really shows us how much power we have over our experience.

It occurred to me that my level of tiredness and my sense of joy do not need to be mutually exclusive. In the past few days I've started to try to think a little more like that. Like… Oh, long day? Tired? Dishes? With joy! Oh, done a lot? Just wrestled the kids into bed? House a mess? Still need to sow microgreens? With joy! I know it's terribly cheesy, but it's been helping me. And, in light of everything and this dark winter we got through, it's just how I gotta roll right now. I think ultimately that little voice just reminds me to be grateful. I have a deliciously full and chaotic and mission driven life, and if I do it right it's gonna leave me tired and joyful. And honestly, that's what I want. I want to fall on my bed most nights dripping with experience and gratitude for my able body. I want to feel gratitude for all my purposeful work and play and for the people that I love.

I hate that I sometimes forget and pretend that I prefer ease and boredom over what I do have- that depth. I keep remembering that gratitude and seeking your truth is a practice, not something you just own after a while. Process, right? Mmhmm. .