Wha huh?

Posted On May 29, 2007

Lately I’ve been feeling very… unseen. I don’t feel “invisible”, just, not payed attention to. Perhaps the only difference is that my hormones have balanced and I no longer see this as dramatically as I once did.

Jeff says that I have enough power over my energy to control all areas of my life. If I want to be in a certain group, then I will be. If I want to feel peaceful about my surroundings, then I will. Etc. I thought about it some, in spite of the inexplicable sinking feeling in my chest, and I realized that I have been controlling these parts of my life. In truth, I’ve been incredibly happy for a while- right where I want to be. So why would I mourn places and people and feelings and attention that I don’t actually want?

I always rely on a good night’s sleep to help me feel refreshed about a situation. Sleep helped some, but I still have this dark feeling. I need to stay open and relaxed. I also shouldn’t draw conclusions or start feeling insecure about things.
I know this is a cryptic entry, and it really doesn’t mean anything specific. I’m not even sure what I mean. It’s just a combination of things, probably a long time coming.

I am just usually so contented. I trust that people like and respect me. I trust the process. Today I feel like I’m having a hard time doing/believing those things. I’m also finding myself wishing that I were a certain way, and that is silliness and absolutely not helpful.

Jeff has been very encouraging and helpful. He knows that sometimes I feel overlooked- it’s just because of my personality. I tend to be a little quieter, less controversial in social settings, more empathetic (which can result in feeling a little emotionally neglected and overworked by others), less likely to cause fights, etc. I’ve always dealt with being a little less visible from time to time. He, however, makes me feel valued and smart and lovely. I hardly have to explain anything to him about this and he gets it. I feel so fortunate to have him as my partner.

The best medicine for me is to take it easy tonight. I’m going to leave work, buy some plants with my sis, clean up a bit, water the garden, exercise, make a nice dinner, read for a while and maybe paint, and then watch some Lost.
I’ve been using this website, and recently started watching Lost to see what all the hubub was about. Well I’m hooked. I’m only on like the 5th episode of the first season, but I like it. It’s muy entertaining.

I feel almost bad posting this, I haven’t had a “low” entry in so long…

Jeff said something interesting yesterday. I was hurrying to get the planting of the last raised bed done before we had to go out for the rest of the day. He was setting up the drip hoses. I snapped at him for not being careful enough with it with the plants, and he just looked at me and asked me if something was wrong. I got up and apologized for snapping. He hugged me and said “Isn’t it funny when we have all the time in the world but it’s just not enough?”

Yeah.