We are a collection of our days

Posted On September 5, 2025

It’s been a while. I hate to admit it, but I do believe that the main factor that has kept me from writing much was my use of attention mining media. In many ways I feel that it sucked up any creative potential that existed in the spaces of my day to day. The reality of my situation is that I’ve got a very full and active life, and if I’m hoping to fit in time for reading, writing, and other creative outlets, I have to actually guard the spaces where that can unfold. The new and somewhat sobering realization I had about all this was that social media is more impactful on my brain chemistry than I thought, and I now realize that it was actually hurting my creative capacities.

I’d known all about the attention mining design, and I truly fancied myself a “light” and fairly intentional user. What I found was that, while heavy use in a day was definitely worse for me, even light use impacted a lot in terms of my overall attention span and the way my mind operates. As soon as I started to really entertain this theory, I opted to not engage for many days in a row and see what happened. I experienced what I believe was an actual dopamine withdrawal, where for a few days I had trouble seeing anything as positive or productive or worthwhile, even though objectively I was accomplishing plenty and it was all concretely useful. It was uncomfortable, and then it started to feel like a cloud was lifting. In the days following I’ve felt so. much. better. It’s kind of stupid how much better I feel and how this seemingly small influence in my life had such a pervasive impact. I’m feeling more focus and direction, which is a relief this time of year on the farm. I’ve also finally made headway on writing/intellectual projects that I’ve wanted to for a while now. I had even started wondering if I’d ever do them, thinking maybe I’d just overestimated my abilities. I’ve picked up books I’ve been wanting to read and made headway on them. I’m taking a self guided course and remembered another I’d like to finish soon. I’m even feeling energy for old hobbies again.

Of course, this all makes me wonder how much this connects to all the friends around me struggling with focus and motivation and symptoms of adhd… it’s sort of this elephant in the room at this point. But honestly, I’m not trying to get on a soapbox. I just want to add my experience into the mix- a data point. I’m grateful to be trying new things for myself, to be communicating to my deeper self that I can make changes in my habits and environment that prioritize my wellbeing. It’s encouraging. And, at just newly 41 years old, I’m feeling more and more that we are the collection of our days- that all these tiny moments add up. There was a quote that floated around my house growing up, I don’t remember who said it: “Tell me what you pay attention to and I’ll tell you who you are.” That one always made me pause.

Anyway, I’ve been having these writing dates with a friend and I was telling her about my struggle with these mediums. I don’t want to add to the “noise”, and I don’t want to compete for attention- the energetic inflation is really having an impact on quality. But, I do find that this kind of meandering writing has real therapeutic value for me. I miss sharing, I miss reflecting in this way. So, I kind of landed on old-school blogging for now. Perhaps my other projects will see the light of day at some point, but for now they exist as just a personal exercise, which feels right.

That feels like most of what I have for now. I’d love to write more in the coming days about farm and food and the stuff that fills my days. But before I sign off, a couple of quick updates:

Jeff and I celebrated our 20th anniversary this week. Our marriage is so precious to me. I wrote him a letter to honor the day. A small excerpt I’d like to share: “I’m just so grateful that we like each other and choose kindness and gentleness. I see how rare that can be in partnerships- I see how we could have taken different roads that made our hearts more guarded than open.” And there it is again, the collection of tiny choices adding up.

We also got our very first farm cat! She was a stray that landed in a friend’s live trap. We’ve stalled for a while on a farm cat because of Jeff’s allergies and just not ever feeling set up for one. But this opportunity felt right and we are so happy! We are building her some sweet porch digs and will try to offer her a great landing pad. Plus, we’ve had more than enough damage to our engines and machinery out here from mice and red squirrels. Why do they love to chew wires so much?! Anyway, we’ve been calling her Cricket and she’s adjusting to the new situation really well. She’s extremely friendly, which is a bonus. We are guessing she’s in the neighborhood of 10/12 weeks old? Here’s hoping she’ll be a good mouser for a few years to come.

Also, I’ve come to believe that “cat people” are very much a thing. I suppose this is obvious, but I find it fascinating. Is it genetic? Some kind of a benign mind virus in service to some feline agenda? I’m really enjoying this cat- she’s cute, interesting, curious… what’s not to like? I feel a lot of affection for most any animal. Vera, on the other hand, is absolutely in love with her. Like, she checks on her constantly, comes inside and just goes on about how much she loves her. If she’s not going to be home for a few hours she’ll make sure we all know to play with her and make sure she’s got enough food… it’s bananas and adorable and I’m like “Welp, I guess you’re one of them…”