Subject
I’m feeling pretty damn good today despite the new friend drama and being pretty tired (another teething night…) and my house being a mess. This morning I went with Gretchen and Tuula to Jungle Java- a super cool play place/cafe. I met some new mommas and made a potential new friend. It felt amazingly good to just hang out with other moms and kids, interruptions and nursing and craziness and everything… it just zapped me with this feeling of comfort and solidarity that I think I need to make a point to seek out on a more regular basis. I’m just really liking my life these days. I like who I’m becoming. I love my baby and everything she’s teaching me about myself and the world. I love feeling at home in myself. I wouldn’t give this up for the world. Not for a full night’s sleep or the ability to travel, not for anything. Obviously, right? I mean, I’m always swooning on here, but I guess some people around me don’t seem to see that about my situation. And on to the drama…
One of my friends has been talking about how she’s upset about our relationship. She’s resentful about the fact that things have changed between us. She’s right, things have changed. I suppose I just have become less sensitive to it, is all. There was a time not too long ago when I would’ve felt like a bit of a failure if a relationship started to wain in the way that this one has. However, it’s just become increasingly clear that we are on very different paths, and that it’s just ok. We love each other, it’s not a bad thing in my opinion. We still hang out (although we are both really busy and so it just doesn’t happen as often as it used to) and we still have fun when we do. That being said, she has made it apparent that she loves me no matter what, but that she really does think this whole baby thing was just a bit premature. She’s the one that says things like "I think you should come over, it’ll be fun for you!" and "Oh, you should really get out- it’d be so good for you to let loose!" Trust me, I know she means well, but her perception of my life couldn’t be further from the truth. She has said on more than one occasion that she’s just not built to be a stay-at-home-mom, and if/when she has children then her partner will definitely be the one at home, and on and on. It’s just become clear that my choices are NOT the ones that she’ll be making, and it’s just been weird to have those conversations with her. That, and she seems to think I have no life or something, which I don’t know where she gets that from. Anyway, her motives are not in question, they are good, it’s just that she really doesn’t get me right now.
This is okay. I feel like I’ve been awarded a sense of freedom about things like this. We both haven’t called as much as we used to. I could think "She must not care about me like she used to." OR I could think "She’s in school and we have conflicting schedules, it’ll happen when it happens, it’s not personal." I find that I tend to go with the latter. This is very good for me. I know it’s not personal. I know she loves and respects me and so on. I would hope she knows the same of me. What bothers me is that she assumes this has to do with a lack of respect on my part, and frankly I’m just busy and have other things on my mind. I also don’t think it’s all that respectful to tell a room full of people about it and not confront the issue with me. The only reason I know about all this is through a third party. Which sucks.
It’s just a strange position to be in. You see, nothing has happened. It’s what hasn’t that seems to be the issue here. So she decided to do all this headwork about my motives and started to think about it without actually talking to me, and she’s now in this resentful angry place when all along I thought we’d just been busy. That, coupled with the fact that she seems to not really respect where I am in my life right now (although I would never say that to her and for the most part just try not to worry about it) just makes me feel kind of ick about the whole situation. I do think we were drifting for various reasons, but it’s not like forcing ourselves together is going to be good for either of us.
I also struggle with being really insensitive about stuff like this. I know this is a legitimate issue for her. I think, however, it’s kind of insane to start causing problems all over the fact that our relationship has changed since I had a baby. I mean, yeah, of course it has. Things are different now. So… adapt. You know? I mean, I can’t really explain the profundity of my circumstance to her. I just sort of hope that she cuts me some slack if I’m a flake sometimes or if I don’t always think to call or what have you. The least productive thing to do is to slowly get angry and then resent me. I’m a dedicated friend, just one with full hands. That’s something she also seems to doubt. When my other friend came to my aid and said I was really busy, she apparently thought that was silly. It’s just that those things she says are borderline insulting. She assumes I’m not busy, although she doesn’t know what it’s like to be home with a kiddo, let alone two. Does she think I sit around and nurse all day? Alright, there’s a little of that, but seriously. She assumes I don’t get out or have fun, but I DO. A lot. And guess what? I’m really really HAPPY. I don’t need rescuing or a night out to party. I don’t want to "party". I would still have to come home to my responsibility as a momma, one that I am determined not to resent- so it becomes hard to shake comments like that. They aren’t supportive or uplifting or encouraging. Again, motives are not in question here. I’m just not someone to pity or save.
I don’t know. I just don’t have the mental or emotional energy for this kind of drama anymore. I really want good solid adult relationships that help me grow. I don’t appreciate being talked about, and I just need minimal nonsense when it comes to friends. "Cut me some slack, it’s not personal, I love you." That’s what I feel like saying. Maybe I will. I think I’m a good friend. I’m not without my flaws, and I’ll do my best to right my wrongs. That being said, if someone doesn’t tell me that something bothers them, then I can’t very well remedy it. I’m really just in need of some honesty and compassion. God I hope this blows over quickly.
I love my friends. With the exception of this one, the transition from pre to post baby has been fluid and beautiful. I feel like there was an adjustment, but it really happened in a nice way. Especially with my friend Katy. She just sort of allowed for me to change and she’s really been so uplifting. We also just hang out when we can and enjoy each other. I think that’s part of it. I have several friends on very different paths, but we somehow come back together and just are happy for one another. It’s so nice to have had her as a friend since we were 15, so much has changed, and yet I feel really solid in the friendship despite its very different appearance now. We connect where we can, listen and learn, support and empathize. It’s a good deal.
Anyway, on to the fun stuff.
Oct. 11th:
I organized and labeled all my herbs. It was incredibly satisfying.
Oct. 12th:
Always the dog bowl. Is it the shine? The water? The forbidden nature? Why!?!
Oct. 13th:
This day was hard for me. Little John was particularly fussy, I got touched-out really early, and I was on a short fuse. I just got to this point where I felt kind of lost. It was over before I knew it, but I had to call my sister and leave him in the crib for a few minutes so I could pull myself together. I felt like the worst person. Later that day, it was all better, and I think now it was mostly my attitude that left me feeling so hopeless. His mom came and got him and when she was leaving she said "Can I just say… I’m so grateful for your help. John really seems happy here and he doesn’t even cry when I put him in the car in the morning. It’s like he knows he’s coming here. We are just so happy that he can come here." In that moment I felt honored to watch their kid and it made it all worth it. I know how valuable it would be to me to know that my baby is in loving hands. I think I will probably have some hard days, but this is good work, and I’m blessed to be able to do it. I really like John, he’s so sweet, and I know I will get better at juggling the two. Plus, it makes the quiet moments with Vera that much more precious. 
Oct. 14th:
Lunch. It’s a sort of a Moroccan stew. I guess the only reason I say that is because I put cumin and paprika in it. I should’ve added couscous. But yeah, it was yummy. 
Bonus BABY!:
Ok, it works really well to plop a mobile baby in a basket when you’re trying to do stuff and need them to stay in one spot. Besides, how much longer will I be able to do this?
At my parent’s house Vera got herself wedged inbetween two sections of the couch. My silly. 🙂
Quote of the day:
"Life is an adventure in forgiveness." -Norman Cousins
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You are special and your baby is gorgeous and you’re lovely and just generally spectacular.
🙂
Also, I was getting a little worried about you, since you didn’t seem to have posted in a little while. Not like “OMG I hope she’s ok and maybe I should try and go over and see if everything is OK” or anything, but it was definitely a “huh, grace hasn’t posted in a while. I hope everything’s OK. I’ll give it a few more days before I poke her and see.”
But I’m glad things are good and that you’re happy about where your path is taking you right now. I REALLY wish I could hang out with you, and it makes me sad that I don’t, but yeah, I don’t take it personally either. We’re busy people, I tell ya! I’m really looking forward to when I’m a little less crazy and can make plans with you without being afraid of having to cancel on you (either because I’ve forgotten something or something comes up that I have to do).
But I’m really glad to be friends with you again, and reading your posts always brightens up my day. So thank you for the small amount of contact I get with you, and for allowing me glimpses into your life.
*huggles*
You are so sweet, lady! What nice things to say. I’ve really enjoyed reading yours, as well. We should hang out, for sure. Whenever you are free and I’m free, and yeah. It’ll happen soon. *huggles* right back at ya. 🙂
The bunny claps for you and Vera.
Ahhhhhhh! Vera!!!!!! The cuteness will kill me. *dies*
You’re awesome, I love you. Good luck with the friend drama. You know I’m always happy to if you need an ear. 🙂
oops
That last sentence made no sense! Take 2: You know I’m always happy to listen if you need an ear.
Re: oops
Um, it made perfect sense to me. I’m always happy to if you need an ear as well. Happy to… you know… I’m happy to!
Also, I saw that you called yesterday, and DARN IT ALL I MISSED IT. Next Tuesday. I super duper love you.
You know, it’s not too late to rethink this whole ‘baby’ thing.
There are so many postpartum ‘shake ‘n toss’ options out there.
You can always make another baby when it’s more convenient for your friends. You shouldn’t ignore that fact.
My reply.
This is my reply. I’m replying to this comment that you made on my journal. Reply reply reply. The end.
🙂
You got me, what can I say?
It’s really too bad your friend can’t seem to adapt, or grasp the fact that you feel your life has changed for the positive, which is apparently opposite of how they feel?..about..your..life…?? makes less and less sense to me. People either change together or don’t and if i were in your place i would probably just do my best to confront them about it. Stating i don’t appreciate getting information third hand and how am i ever supposed to know how you feel if you don’t talk to me about it?
I think you should say “Cut me some slack, it’s not personal, I love you.” Maybe throw the “i love you” in there first, and just gently explain how you feel. Explain how you do think your life is fun, even when it is stressful, and how your lives are inexplainable different, so her judgment of what is fun or satisfying is obviously very different then yours. Self worth is important and i’d hate to see a friend make you feel like you have have very little. Because you obviously have lots of self worth and know and understand many more things about yourself then it sounds like your friend is giving you credit for. If that made any sense at all?? I just really think it is unfair of your friend to expect you not to have changed! You created life and brought it into this world! because that is what you wanted to do! Just because they could not change (or would not want to change) in the same way as you doesn’t mean your friendship means less or has to change completely. It just has to change some, because that is a part of life! People grow and evolve in all sorts of mysterious ways, it’d be a shame for your friend to throw away your friendship because they can’t adapt to your life altering events. I think if it were my friend i would want to kick them for being so closed minded and self centered. Anyhoo, love love love the pictures of vera!! the one of you and her is particularly cute!!
Yes! This is really exactly how I feel, so I’m glad that I was able to explain it well. I think that I should start with the I love you, and yeah. Thanks for this comment! 🙂
first – vera is just too adorable, her sweet smile just kills me! i also love her face with the tipped over dog bowl, like, “what mom it wasnt me!”.
as for your friend, well she will just have to adapt and if she can’t then she’s not really being a friend. As your friend even if she can’t understand how or why you could be happy and content she should be happy that you ARE happy and content.
alot of happy in there, hope it made sense. 🙂
will you have john on halloween? Jonah will be in the office.
Thanks, you. Yeah, I keep telling myself that I can’t control her and make her get it. But I’m happy happy happy. 🙂
I’m not sure I’ll have him, but probably. So far it’s always been Fridays that I watch him. Regardless, I’m getting a craving for Seva.
if you don’t have John and are in the mood to come downtown OR if you do have john and are feeling adventurous, come on in to the office next friday. Alot of kids will be in the office from 3-5 for candy load up. 12-1 is pizza lunch, we could steal some and hole up in hillary and court’s office. Options abound!
and yay for thursday!!!!!!
I kind of understand what you’re feeling. When I decided I didn’t want to go out and party and drink people kept acting like I was being forced to make those decisions. I prefer my life the way it is now, I like calmness and being around the people closest to me. If I lived in MI we could have a nice calm get-together with tea and babies. It would be great.
Isn’t that funny? I remember my sister and I were talking about how uncomfortable parties are in the first place- a bunch of people that barely know each other, pushed together into a fairly small space, only to sit around and listen to music together. I mean, I’m all for gatherings, but most parties I’ve been to are not comfortable for people without the addition of alcohol. I’m not judging, but it’s just not my style these days. It’s just funny that people act like we’re crazy for not wanting that, when in some ways I feel like it’s the other way around. Definitely tea and good conversation is what I’m about. So sad you don’t live here!
“She assumes I don’t get out or have fun, but I DO. A lot. And guess what? I’m really really HAPPY. I don’t need rescuing or a night out to party. I don’t want to “party”.” I know exactly what you mean…
I hope the friend situation works out okay, I know what you mean though, my friends live for clubbing and drinking and I’d rather just have a night in and chill out.
I love all of the pictures, the herbs made me happy 🙂 Vera’s growing up so fast isn’t she, she’s getting more and more beautiful ♥
Yeah, you used to go out on the town all the time! It does seem like you enjoy just quiet night with Ant better. It might just be my perception, but you seem a lot happier these days too. 🙂 Do you find that it’s hard to get your friends to do other things?
Thanks for the nice comment- you’re so sweet!
I am so much happier these days, more so than I have ever been, those nights out clubbing or down the pub didn’t make me happy; the people were skin deep and it just didn’t do anything for me.
I find it impossible to get my friends out of the pub, I have however seen who my real friends are though, the ones that wouldn’t mind a walk or a cup of tea the ones I can talk to without alcohol; I do love a good drink still, just not in those horrible atmospheres. It feels like my friends think I’m weird sometimes because I don’t like going out drinking every night. They don’t see how happy I am though, they wont accept it as they don’t like Ant (they think I don’t go out because of him)…
My this is a long comment lol, I’ll stop now. xx
This is where I think I got the impression you are happier- you sound so self-assured! Why wouldn’t they like him? He seems so sweet and he certainly makes you happy.
Also, I don’t mind long comments- have you ever read my journal?
You know, I don’t even have kids and my idea of an exciting evening is a relaxing night at home watching a movie. I don’t see anything wrong with people our age just hanging out “low key” kids or no kids. I think that some friends think that there has to constantly be an event to go to. Of course we all go out, I just don’t think it’s necessary all the time. If I lived over there I would come to your house babyless and be perfectly happy to visit with you and Vera. That would be all I would need! I hope to get over there soon and bring Nate too. 🙂
Totally. I hope you can come soon! 🙂
Hey! Hope everything is going okay with you 🙂
It’s a little sad that this friend of yours isn’t talking directly to you about her feelings and concerns. If only some people understood that things change and even though your social life might not be so crazy anymore, you are still happy!
I guess Steven is in a situation that’s kinda similar – he used to be a party animal, he would go out all weekend long and he was pretty popular. But when he started seeing me and we got serious, he preferred spending most of his time with me and not them – and now they think he’s boring and they don’t really want to know him when he’s just being more like a normal person. I’m sure they think I make him stay in… we go for a couple of drinks about twice a week though, that’s what we enjoy doing. He hasn’t given up all of the drugs, but he has calmed down a lot. And since he stopped going out with all those people, he’s discovered that only one or two of them are his real friends who will just spend time with him in normal everyday life. They are the only ones who are important to him now! I think maybe you can relate to that? 🙂
Oh, and that black and white picture of you and baby is beautiful.
I can totally relate to that, on both ends actually. Jeff and I had a hibernation period that was totally natural, but some guys would just blame it on me even though Jeff could do whatever he wanted- I guess it’s just what they do. I have several other friends that get blamed for that kind of thing too. But yeah, I used to think I had lots of friends, and so did Jeff, but once your life goes in a different direction there are some people that stay and some that don’t. It’s a good thing, I think, but it can be hard to figure it all out at first. Anyway, everything is fine, thanks!