Simplify

Posted On February 6, 2007

It turns out that it wasn’t a scam at all. These are the people I’m dealing with. I spoke with the manager last night, he hung up on me too. It’s sad that it turned out that way really. I’ll fix this somehow.
It affected me a lot, this little interaction. My dad said it’s because I’m a “gentle soul”, but I wonder if it’s not truly saddening to know that there are people out there that don’t mind tossing away basic manners and decency. I felt like screaming “BUT I’M A PERSON!!! IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE???” I think it was also because no matter how much I pleaded or apologized (for nothing) they would not help me. Bummer.

I think I do tend to have this view of the world where all is within reach and everyone is really good- and if they are not then there is a reason and a story. I am not, however, naive about the condition of the world and it’s people. I feel like this whole collection agency crap was just a peek at a larger problem that I already know is there.

My grandpa is depressed and suicidal. He’s in the psych ward at the hospital, and my sisters and I went to visit him last week. He said he misses the way things used to be. He spoke about how everything was simpler. He talked about how people were nicer to each other, that was just how it was. The community, the culture, the integrity, the creativity, etc.  He talked about TV, and how movies were made with a real story to entertain (my great-grandpa was in the movie business). I can see why he’d be in a low place right now.
Aside from the sad stuff, I felt like we connected with him in a way that I don’t think I’ve ever been able to. He’s been a tough guy to get along with in the past. I love him so much, and we’re gonna go visit him in the next few days again.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. I’ve been a little overwhelmed.

I realize that in every growth period there is an uncomfortable energy- a time when you wonder what you’re doing, if it’s worth the work, if you’re really improving, if you’ll still be yourself…
I am certainly growing, but it’s not the comfortable kind. Lately I’ve been complaining too much- so I will stop that. It’s one of those things where you don’t even realize you’ve gotten that whiny until you’re sick of yourself. So ya, i felt much better today just knowing that I wasn’t allowed to complain about anything. Once you decide it’s a no-no you can’t even be bothered with identifying half the problems- what’s the motivation?

My mom told me a story about myself when I was a baby. We were eating dinner, and everyone had finished except for me. I was sitting in my chair with a puzzled look on my face. My mom realized that I had been sitting there with the same bite of food in my mouth for some time. I had forgotten how to swallow. I over-thought it. She worked with me on it for the next few days- she distracted me and I would forget about it and get some food down. But once I got to thinking I would sit there confused again. I loved this story- it did not surprise me.

My point is, it’s pointless to over-think things. You forget that you already know how to deal with your life naturally.
I’ve also decided to not wish for things. It’s a sad way to spend time saying “I wish I was…” or “I wish I had…” I’m just going to do what I can as well as I can. No more wishing, whining, or over-thinking.

I don’t know about anyone else, but it’s getting too… wintry and frozen and dead lately. So here’s a photo from summer to brighten things up.

“There isn’t anyone you couldn’t love once you’ve heard their story.” -Fred Rogers