Peace is right now.

Posted On April 29, 2012

Oh my, I'm feeling a tad discouraged. Or maybe that's the wrong word for it. No it's definitely the wrong word for it. I'm many things, I guess. I'm feeling… complicated.

Fresh trout caught by family friends who live on Lake Huron, lightly breaded and pan fried, served with roasted sweet potatoes and sauteed cabbage and beet greens, topped with fresh pea and sunflower shoots. Yes yes.

I had a pretty great day, actually. I laughed a lot. Like, big hearty belly laughing with Jeff and the kids. I smiled all day. Tonight I'm feeling the cumulative effect of a long day, a lot of work and responsibilities, the unpredictable nature of parenting young kids and being an integral part of many other peoples' lives, and then the added passions and creative endeavors that Jeff and I are both embarking on, together and separately. It's kind of a hilarious juggling act, sometimes.

I'm taking this yoga class with my mom. I've only been once, but I really liked it just because the instructor really talked to us about feeling out the moment and staying present. She said something along the lines of "Peace is right now." I just really needed that meditation, and it's stuck with me ever since. My past is gone, my future doesn't exist really. Living in either state only brings about anxiety and stress. Being in each moment brings peace and contentment. 

I don't want to complain. It's actually kind of funny at this point. I have just spent weeks working to pull all of this off- the new farm in particular. It has largely been good, although I would really like so much more to have happened by now. But, for doing it all on my own and with all my other responsibilities, I have something real here that I can be proud of. It's the "all on my own" part that can feel a little hard these days. My sweet partner, with so much to do himself, has been largely unavailable to me. This is just not exactly how I envisioned our first year farming together…  but things so rarely turn out the way you envision. 

I am reaching deep inside almost every day, trying to pull from my strength and garner a little more patience and a little more surrender. I see my blessings all around, but I am very much challenged by life lately. I am learning how to really work, how to keep my cool and be a mother to these kids even when I don't feel up to it. I'm learning just to continue to rise up and greet each day, chipping away at what needs to be done. I'm actually feeling my self-esteem build, just being as self-reliant as I have been lately. I feel more confident and stronger in both body and mind. I'm generally feeling like a badass at the end of the day- having planted and shoveled and worked and had arms full of children and taken care of a dozen animals and then fed everyone a good meal at the end of the day. This life is exactly the kind of life I want to live. Full of value and good work and a purpose. My struggle usually involves my own self-pity and entitlement. I aim to squash these things, although I sense this will be a battle. Truly, my only limitations come from my own perspective. This is the painful lesson I am learning practically every day.

Vera and I went on a "girl's date". It was awesome, and we spent the entire morning just talking and enjoying each other. We're going to be making a habit of these kinds of outings.

So what happened today was that Jeff started feeling sick at the end of the day and went to bed with Vera. I, having really counted on his help tonight to prepare for farmer's market on Tuesday, couldn't even garner a few sympathetic words for him. I have had so little help in this endeavor it has left me feeling pretty alone on several occasions. I can't fault him for it, either, because he's been working his butt off too. But, I felt it, and that's the way it is sometimes. So tonight I just was so counting on him, and I felt like throwing my hands up and crying. I grabbed Asa and put him on my back to soothe him to sleep. He went down with no trouble, which was a big blessing for me. Now I've settled on a (long) list made for tomorrow, and a little time taken on myself to just write and reflect.

What I do know is that I really do want this- just everything we're doing here. I want it even when it's hard, even when I feel like I'm on my own. And the beauty is, I'm so *not* on my own. I've just had a little blip of time here where things couldn't go on as I planned in my head. All these struggles are temporary. 

Growing pains. Just a little stretching and coming on through to the other side.

I was having a day where I felt really short tempered and where I resented the chaos that surrounded me. I later got word that an old family friend had just lost her baby just weeks from the due date. I lit a candle and cried for them. I felt so petty and my heart just softened. Oh, I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess, I can just daily see the reasons for living a life with a firm foundation in gratitude. Like that quote- "If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is 'thank you', that would suffice." (Meister Eckhart)

Yeah. More farming details tomorrow. I have lots of updates to share.