Let the world be fed

Posted On October 21, 2024

This morning we were hosting my mother-in-law and her wife. We call them Grandma Jean and Aunt Jean, aka our “favorite pair of Jeans”. They are really just the best- we love to see them, and Aunt Jean has been in the kids’ lives forever, since Asa’s infancy. Asa was happily boasting yesterday that he’s got a bonus grandma. Anyway, they occasionally stay overnight with us and hitch a ride to or from the airport.

Anyway, this morning I was caught off-guard in the best way. I was sort of scurrying around and putting on my farm boots to head outside, and Aunt Jean stopped me and said “I just really want to hug you.” So I slowed down and leaned in for one of her famous hugs and then I felt her start to cry! I asked what was going on, and she reassured me that it was all happy tears, she was just feeling grateful. But she spoke about how welcoming our home felt, little details like the canned stuff in the basement and the effort and love everywhere was apparent to her in that moment. They’ve seen us through so much! The way she was touched by the details of our life and expressed this was so unexpected to me, but left me feeling so appreciated and seen and loved.

Often I am not sure how the work of my life is received by others. I think this is a shared condition, likely everyone feels this way to some degree. This precious moment with Jean exists for me in contrast with what felt like a kind of tough week for me emotionally, so it was that much more welcome. I feel that some of my struggle was in part to do with hormones, but also I just was challenged. I was feeling strange, reckoning with my sense of self-worth and self-esteem and what I might be attaching it to that isn’t steady or rooted enough. I was feeling some insecurity in my work, especially feeling it in contrast with my more “professional” friends who are on a trajectory I can’t relate to. Discussions around what people are “worth” in relationship to money left me feeling dissonant and a little indignant. I dealt with insecurities in some of my relationships, I felt both fear that I wasn’t enough and also felt hyper-critical of others. I felt down about my body and my fitness routine. Jeff and I had communication blocks that left us feeling disconnected multiple times. I was frankly kind of annoyed with my whole headspace this week, but I was also kind of riding the wave and trying to allow myself to feel whatever I needed to feel. I almost always feel like there’s something functional in these moments, some growth happening, so at least there’s that.

All that to say, Jean’s expression of appreciation for us in such an ordinary context was so grounding, and it snapped me out of this funk pretty quickly. Jeff whisked them off to the airport and I went about my normal chores, recounting the week and my headspace through this refreshed lens. I remembered that I’m not actually in charge of the meaning of my life, or the impact I have on others. Many of my favorite spiritual and philosophical teachers uplift this idea in one way or another- the notion that we are endowed with gifts and perspectives and orientations and capacities, and of course our values and our conscience. It’s not our job to manage how the world receives us. We are in charge of our gratitude and what wisdom we actively glean and integrate from those around us. It’s a kind of anarchic spiritual language that I’m learning to become more fluent in. I know the stark difference within myself based on which story I tell, and what produces more peace and sturdiness and motivation within me.

I took my dad to the grocery store the other day. It was a silly birthday present I offered him, this little field trip. He used to go to the local Kroger multiple times a week, but since his stroke last November, he’s been unable to do many of the things he was used to doing. He’s a quirky guy, and I knew this trip would be his idea of a great time.

When we got there we weren’t sure what we were going to be able to do. He’s largely wheelchair bound and still can’t use his right arm or hand. So I popped into the store first and scoped out the situation, asking questions about how the automatic carts worked. I hopped on one and drove it out to our parking spot and watched my dad carefully climb on and start to drive the thing with his left hand. It was perfect for him, we didn’t need his wheelchair at all! We both lit up as he enjoyed a sense of freedom that I’m pretty sure he hasn’t felt since before the stroke. He’s made amazing strides in his recovery, but watching him zip around this store and choose treats and talk to people… we were just smiling and laughing the entire time. It was a whole hour of absolutely joyful grocery shopping. Who knew it had such potential?

I’ve watched my dad through this experience all year. I’ve written about it some. But this theme is ever present. From my vantage point, his worst and hardest moments have been when he’s been trying to get on top of the meaning of his life. When he’s looking at what he used to do and be versus what’s available to him now, and deciding he knows what it’s all worth. This grocery trip felt like the perfect example of why we all may do better to just get out of our own heads about it and show up as we are, you know? Because I took a couple of videos of him and posted them on social media (at his proud insistence!), and the response was kind of overwhelming. So many people were touched by it, and it has everything to do with my dad being right where he is, in the fullness of his purpose and in service to the world. His joy and his humor and his bravery was all apparent and so wanted by everyone who saw it. This is a happy alchemy available to us all, and the more we try to manage and control it, the less we tap into it.

To bring back one of my very favorite Stephen Jenkinson quotes:

“What human wants to have that much consequence in the world?

A little local life… informed by the understanding that the ripples of your days are not for you to decide their meaning. They are for you to labor in the presence of the meaning of other people- the ones who came before you. And understanding all the while that the meaning of your life is in the hands of those to come. That you don’t have an authoritative voice in the meaning of your life. You don’t, and it’s proper that you don’t.

And there’s humility, yes, but there’s no humiliation in that. The humiliation comes in when you try to compensate for feeling impotent by overstating your consequence, overstating how important you are in the scheme of things.

It’s your humanity, baby. It’s not you. It’s your humanity that the world needs. It’s. Not. You.

You’re free to be your small self. Let the world be fed by your humanity. Not a bad deal for all concerned.”

My goodness, what a thing to wrap our heads around. I’ve been meditating on this quote for years now. But lately I’m really feeling the promise of this nugget of wisdom. So many little tragedies this year have showered around me… and for me it really brings home some deeper meditations on purpose. Like, are we really incarnate on this planet in this particular time for everything to go smoothly? What exactly do we “deserve” in this life? What are we here to encounter and reckon with? Are we here to make all the right choices, to never struggle, to never get hit with various poverties and challenges- what exactly are we entitled to in this life? And, what a liberating proposition to realize that the only thing that’s really ultimately my business is what I decide to give back to the world.