I’m still here. Just thinkin’.

Posted On October 22, 2011

I've come to this space each day hoping to churn out something with the little time and energy I have. Writing here is good for me. But life happens at such a pace and when I settle into the evening the thought of writing here feels so big. By the time I do have a moment to reflect I realize that there is so much to write about, and so I decide to put it off until later. But here I am, actively working to simplify my life. So why not simplify here too? I think I can reap the benefits of sharing here without it being a daunting task. I may just have to simplify in much the same way that I am in other areas. Clearly, sticking to my regular updates has not been working for me, so I should adjust my expectations and start something new. Change is good.

Things I'm loving right now:

:: The way that Vera has been talking. She's bizarre and funny and smart and has a million questions. We've been talking about love and death and food and ethics and learning… the list goes on and on. She's three years old and just amazing.

:: The way Asa has been talking. So many words. Such a sweet stubborn darling of a boy.

:: I love how when I reflect lovingly on my kids it's just as much about the frustrating hard parts as it is the good fun parts. Probably because all of it is inseparable. It's who they are. I don't wish anything away, when it comes down to it.

:: I love aging. I mean, I know I'm only 27. But seriously, there's a difference now. I was recently in a good group of people of different ages and we were all laughing and talking and I was noticing everyone's smile lines- some more defined than others. I think smile lines are some of the most beautiful features a person can have. I see it in myself, at the corners of my eyes. They are forming. They tell a story. I hope I never wish my lines away. 

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I'm feeling distinctly human lately. I am juggling all of my responsibilities and relationships and the kids and lack of sleep… I'm not even doing a particularly good job of any of it, either. Most things are pretty disorganized and I'm having trouble keeping it all functioning. It's been a little overwhelming and I've been kind of prone to collapse lately. I am good at weathering my own storms, though. I always find myself alone feeling surges of gratitude and acknowledging my need for grace. Grace. My mother told me that she got a message from God about my name when I was a baby. She felt like God told her that I would have grace and need it too. I think that's probably true of all of us. Grace is a complicated concept. I think of it like this- it's the undeserved kindness and love that the universe showers on us all, if we're open to it. 

Ways that I'm receiving grace lately:

:: The patience of my loving partner- seemingly always at it's greatest when I have very little.

:: The opportunity to learn. I am a changing learning being- often in need of another dose of humility. I am truly better for it, despite the presenting mess that helps me to get to where I'm going.

:: The constant unveiling of truth through nature.

:: The sun streaming through colorful leaves. These last few days of warmth before it all freezes over for a while. 

:: The bottomless forgiveness of my sweet daughter. She always seems to welcome me back with open arms.

:: Good music and it's ability to lift me up when I need it.

:: In the words and presence of my friends and family. I am so blessed by the people around me. I love all my folks.

:: The potential for good in this world, and my freedom to have a hand in it.

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I plan to update more regularly, but probably more simply until I find my energy. Feel free to share the ways that you've been experiencing grace. 🙂