If I could just easily let go…

Posted On January 4, 2006

I wish that my mind wouldn’t be so plagued with uncertainty. I feel overwhelmed and scared today. It’s strange because I felt fine a little while ago. I’m sure this has to do with the changes in my life right now, and the grief I’m experiencing relating to a lost friendship. I guess I need to cut myself a little slack. It was 9 years of my life. I guess it will always be part of my life. I don’t expect to get over it right away, but I wish that my emotions didn’t plan a sneak attack on me. I just looked up the “Cycle of Grief” to see if that applies to me. Oh yeah.
1. Shock- things seem unreal, often people feel confusion, numbness, disorientation, detachment.
2. Denial- can’t accept the reality of the loss.
3. Anger & Guilt- Self explainatory; often people try to find the “cause”, who to blame, etc.
4. Dispair & Depression- well… you get it.
5. Acceptance- can take a long time to get to this place. Able to think of situation without recalling the feelings of hurt/devastation.

It’s not like she died. But I am certainly going through this to some degree. I think I’m experiencing a mix of some of these at the same time. Although I know that I shouldn’t be caring about this… I wish that she would email me like she said she would. It’s been a week, and she told me she would email me the reasons she felt the way she did- where as I let it out on the phone. I’m just glad that it was mutual. It could’ve been worse.
There really aren’t words.