I might die from this…

Posted On April 4, 2008

You think of all the things you might die from… cancer, disease, old age (of course the preferable option), diving in front of a bus heroically saving a little kid… In all my life I never considered I might die from being a mom. The other day Vera was coughing (milk down the wrong tube) and she stopped breathing for a brief second. Adrenaline shot through my body and I lifted her up and said “Breathe, baby.” And she did. Then, immediately after, with a red face and water still in her eyes, she cocked her head to the side and shot me a big grin. It occurred to me in that moment that this might kill me. Sometimes I look at her and everything inside me tingles and then hurts for just a split second. I should be so lucky to die from love.

She’s started to cry for attention recently. Even though it is a new interruption sometimes, it makes me really happy. I think that’s a big developmental breakthrough. Anyway, I love that sometimes all she wants is to be held and looked at. I can’t blame her, even if I am trying to finish reading something or eat my breakfast or whatever. I see this as an important time to teach her that I will always be there when she needs me. It’s a job some days, but I’m really trying to keep her fully attached and feeling safe. How cool is this job?
Jeff’s going to be gone all day today until late. I’ve been missing him lately, he’s been so busy. I’m sure it’s compacted by the fact that it means I’m the one that watches the baby 24/7 except for the occasional hour here and there. I don’t really think it will get “better” anytime soon though, so I need to stay positive. His schedule will likely stay the same for a while, then in the fall I’ll be back in school. I’m just working on accepting things I guess. Sometimes I wish that he were here more, or that I had an opportunity to go out with my friends without the baby for a couple of hours. I think it’s ok that I want that stuff, but I can’t let it make me upset or discouraged. Sometimes I just have to be more patient than I’d like, but isn’t that what makes patience a virtue? Besides, I know that I will look at this time and ache for it in later years. Things are so beautiful right now.

Yesterday we tried those ear candle things and got all the wax out of our ears. It was so much fun! You know the strange satisfaction you get (pardon if this is gross for you) from say… picking a scab, or pushing on a bruise, or something like that? Well, that’s what this gave. We got a strange sense of accomplishment getting all that wax out of our ears. Fascinating. You should try it. It was kind of amazing to us. I remember as a kid I used to overproduce earwax and it would get itchy and make it harder to hear after a while. My mom would take me to the doctor and he would get it out with this long metal thing with a little ball at the end. I remember it was very uncomfortable and scary, but I did feel better afterwards. Well, if Vera has the same issue when she gets older this is a painless, easy, and fun way to do it.

Quote of the day:
“Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves.” -Blaise Pascal