I got this a few days ago…

Posted On July 31, 2007

It’s from my aunt Lindsay, my dad’s sister.
—
Sweet Grace and Jeff,
On Tuesdays, every other Tuesday to be exact, I go to the nearby Karmanos Cancer Treatment Center early in the morning. I spend three hours there getting an IV infusion of the iron that my body needs but cannot seem to absorb anymore. It helps me to be more healthy.
I take the earliest appointment before the place gets too crowded with chemotherapy patients and people who are actively engaged in a fight against cancer. I want to avoid them and their battles and the way I must look to them, tan and healthy and full head of hair.
I am constantly reminded on these alternating weeks that I escaped a huge bullet. That I am blessed and, in fact, a pancreatic miracle. I want to avoid the sickness and the fear and the sadness of it all. But that’s tough to do. And the reality is that I’m there because of cancer — just like them.
So as the mornings unfold, I am often taken up by it all. A bit sad. A bit depressed. Often a bit sick from the treatment. Not great days for me.
Except for the last time I was there. My cell phone rang — my very cool ring tone, Defying Gravity from the musical, Wicked — and it was my sweet brother. He had a secret to divulge. A secret about the two of you.
I cannot explain to you the joy that secret brought. There, within this depressing and clinical experience, I was so happy, and smiling, and elated. Your joy brought me huge joy. Joy against the odds.
I am so happy for you both. This baby will bring such affirmation of it all to you. And I just know that he or she will be filled with a double dose of calm and sensitivity and tenderness that will have come from two very wonderful parents.
Blessings to you both!
And thank you for sharing this beautiful news with me. It is lovely to know. And it’s effects were amazing!
Love to you all!
Aunt Lindsay
—

I have simply been amazed at the outpouring of support from our friends, and most notably, our family. I thought that I would get some of the “oh you guys are really young” or some such unhelpful comments, but none! I have received nothing but encouragement and blessings. It helps me to feel confident in those moments where I feel uncertain, and to trust that we will be happy and healthy. It mostly has shown me that people really like who Jeff and I have become, and they trust our ability to be good parents. This, above all, has really meant a lot to me in the past few weeks. When my mind has been cluttered with worries and doubts, I keep getting bits of faith and calm from the people that surround me.
I told my mom the other day that I felt I needed to do a lot of work on myself before I have a kid running around, then I might not have time to do any “soul searching.” My mom just smiled and said that she wasn’t worried about me a bit, and that a baby will help me to grow in ways that I couldn’t imagine. It is words like this that help me to relax into this and let myself be… myself. I am changing, but I am still myself. I will remain myself when everything happens, and even after. I will only be adding the title of “mother” and a new and beautiful relationship to my life.

Yesterday was the most sickly day I’ve had so far. I’m almost 13 weeks, and it has mostly been easing up (the fatigue, nausea, etc.). Yesterday, however, I was barely able to eat and drink. I almost had to pull the car over on my way home from work. It didn’t stop until early evening, and even then my head still pounded like a drum. I was miserable, cranky, and pathetically whiney. Jeff was very sweet, and he even went out and picked up some things he knew I’d been wanting but hadn’t had time to get. In the midst of it all, I was able to think of my growing child and say that I was willing to be sick and that I love my sprout anyway. It’s a very strange sensation- I actually have feelings for something I can’t see, hear, or feel. Granted, the ultrasound helped to actualize it for me, but I feel like I’m crossing over a line here. Before I felt very detached to the process, but now I am starting to understand.

Today I feel I am lacking in nothing, I am blessed with everything, and I welcome the newness of spirit that surrounds me.

I have woodchuck and garden updates coming tonight…