Here I am! Lots and lots, as usual. :)
We've been busy… I promise!
Have I told you guys lately how in love I am? So, so in love. With everything. Do you see how they look at me?
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Had a thought that I wanted to express here… I don't lock my doors. Many of my closest friends know this and will let themselves in if they beat me to my house. It's just not a secret. I'd have trouble locating the house key at this point. I also rarely lock the car doors either. For several years now I've been made uncomfortable by the act of "locking up", and I've been kind of rebellious about it. Jeff has wanted me to lock the house and car up in the past, and I've complained about it. I always said "Why? Are we going to get robbed? Is someone going to come in at night and hurt us? I don't think so." He doesn't ask me very often anymore. Now, many may see me as being naive. I'm not. I do know that people get robbed. I know that violence happens and cars get stolen and all that. First of all, I don't think that a locked door is going to stop those that do it. If anything, if I were to be a victim in those situations, I've actually saved myself some money and damage because they didn't have to break anything.
Anyway, recently I figured out exactly why it was that I didn't want to lock the doors. I mean, really, what could it hurt to lock them? It's just a simple routine to help combat potential violence and/or theft, right? People don't really think about it. Well, and therein lies the answer… For me, every time I lock the door I'm participating in a culture of distrust. Whether or not I'm conscious of it, I'm saying- "I don't know who you are, but I am afraid that you will take my things, or hurt me, or violate my boundaries." That doesn't feel right to me. And guess how many times I've been jacked in the past 6 years (since I stopped locking my doors)… That's right, never! And let's say someone does rob me. Is that my fault? I didn't lock my doors, so it was an invitation for violence? That reminds me of the argument that a short skirt somehow contributed to a rape… it's just not about that. The person who did it is at fault, and that's it.
People lock their doors so unconsciously, and I don't mean to come off as judgmental. I know that it's not like we are leaving our houses and cars and looking over our shoulders in fear… at least, not most of us. But it got me thinking, are we perpetuating a culture of distrust? Moreover, is this simple act evidence that we are being distracted from the very real violations that are happening to us on a daily basis- namely a toxic environment, economic and social systems that degrade and exploit people and our landbases, and the continued message from the exploiters that we cannot trust each other. THESE are the things we must guard against, and these are the things that trickle down to us and contribute to interpersonal violence. I started to see locking my doors as a kind of poison for my mind. I needed to stay focused on the real current and widespread violence that affects us all. We also need each other to combat this violence and reclaim our communities. When we daily take actions that contribute to a general distrust of our neighbors, how are we ever to come back together? I can think of two more things to share that help illustrate my point.
First- The other day Jeff and I went to Selma Cafe. It's a weekly event that serves up a local food breakfast- all served and prepared by volunteers in a big house on the old west side of Ann Arbor. We walked in and were offered a marker and some masking tape to make ourselves nametags. While we waited we were able to get some coffee, and then we wandered and took in the environment. The house is big and lovely, and is the home of the two owners. There were tons of people, seated all throughout the house. The grounds were beautiful- chickens, vegetables, a farm had set up their CSA drop in the driveway. There was a covered box at the front of the yard that directed you to put your name down and there would be a fresh loaf of bread for you on the day you'd like it, with a simple donation box next to that. We were seated at a large table that spanned an entire room. There were probably 30 people seated around it, and we greeted those closest to us. We ordered from the small menu, and sipped our coffee and took it all in. The food was fresh and delicious, and clearly an intentional kind of meal- fresh lettuce and a single egg, zucchini fritters, a cucumber yogurt sauce and a single piece of bacon. It was the perfect amount. At several points on the table there were quart mason jars with little signs that said "Suggested donation: $12-15", and they were full of bills. The money, in the end, goes to raising hoop houses for local farms. Jeff and I left the place buzzing. We were so inspired. I remember thinking- "THIS! This is the culture of change I've been so thirsty for." The whole thing was so empowered, so loving, so about people and good food and trusting each other to just participate. It's what I think we can realize as a culture if we all put our minds to it.
The second example is from a friend of mine. She's unexpectedly pregnant with twins(!), and is planning on giving the babies up for adoption. It's a complicated situation, and she's been so brave and awesome through the whole thing. Anyway, she is looking for a job, and was understandably concerned about the potiential discrimination she might face as a visibly pregnant woman. She sought advice on how to handle herself during job interviews, and she was told many different things. One person advised her to hide the pregnancy and not say a word about it, as it's illegal for employers to ask anything or have it impact the interview at all. She was talking to me about this, and I got the same feeling that I do about locking my doors. I told her that I thought she should tell them all about it and level with them, and my logic is this: If she hides it, then she shows up on her first day and they would know that she'd been dishonest. Why do that and create that kind of divide first thing? If they were to discriminate and not hire her based on the pregnancy, then that is their bad. I mean, of course I don't want my friend to have trouble getting hired, but I also don't want her to work for discriminating assholes… so I think she should be herself. Who, by the way, is a fabulous woman that I'm proud to call my friend. In no way would it be her fault for not getting hired, and really, how do we create change without sticking our proverbial bellies out there and working to claim what we deserve?
Anyway, those are my thoughts. I believe that this culture exists within each of us, we only have to find each other to have it realized. I believe that in order to bring this out, we have to focus on empowering each other to do what's good, rather than reinforcing the barriers that keep us apart. I think most of us desire this, and we only need reinforcement and community to take the next steps.
Thoughts?
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Recent blessings from the Universe (aka: side of the road finds!):
Awesome mirror that really just fits perfectly into my house.
Rug that I actually like! Rugs are really really hard to get right when not buying new. So this one, even with it's few stains (which I'm pretty sure will just shampoo away) is extra special and really has helped to make the space more comfy.
I still love my blue rug, I just moved it out into the open.
Door with windows! It doesn't shut all the way yet, but it is a big improvement on the last door. This one opens up the space and is not covered in the glue from old duct tape… So YAY!!!
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We celebrated the Autumn Equinox with some good friends. It was just lovely and perfectly fall-like.
We had: Butternut squash soup, kale with maple syrup, acorn squash gnocchi, and slow cooked beef with garden veggies. All of it was so incredibly yum and perfect. Mmmm.
We made these cool little doorway blessings with the kids. They were just slices of apples strung on embrodiery thread. They are so pretty! They will dry out and make nice autumn decorations.
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Family. Oh how I love my family. The girls gave my dad a gift certificate for his birthday to take him out to a "Big Girl Movie" with popcorn. They went to see the Lion King, and it was Vera's first time to the movie theater! She was so nervous! But they had a great time… and how cute are they? Cousins with their Grandpa. 🙂
My dad playing with Asa, who is donning a little batman hood thingy.
This happened when LJ was being dumb, but I wanted to share about it even if it is a month later. My dad celebrated 40 years of sobriety this past August, and there was a big party for him. People spoke and shared all about how he had impacted their lives. I was proud. I am proud. My pop. His artist friend made him this funny necklace.
My brother came home for a few days in the midst of his tour. It was great to see him and his band and just hang out together. L to R, it's Clara, Asa, Jeff, me, Tuula, Ben, Vera, Max, Gretchen.
I can tell that he's really been working his music. I'm so happy to see him really doing what he set out to do, and doing it so well! I think he's so talented. Check him out below. He's the one on the right singing. Love it!
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Lots happening here. Here's a before:
In progress…
It's only halfway done, but we're working on creating pathways and a mulched fire pit area. Today we spent working on the greenhouse. Huzzah.
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wow, i don’t know. i guess i can kind of see the point about your house, because if somebody is coming up to your door specifically, and checking to see if they can get in, i guess at that point, they’re going to probably try to break in. it’s unlikely that they’re going to decide to burglarize a house, and then just walk from house to house, turning doorknobs until they find one that’s open.
but with cars?! it’s so easy for a thief to stroll up and down rows of a parking lot, just looking for an unlocked car door! it’s happened to my co-workers downtown, it’s happened at bob evans, it’s happened to friends when i lived on campus… if there’s anything valuable in your car (even if it’s only a few CDs, or a car charger for a cell phone!), it’s so much more likely to be taken if your door is unlocked! to be fair, i also know people (myself included) whose car windows have been knocked out even when the doors ARE locked… but i don’t know. all the cops around here always say that the best way to deter thieves from breaking into your car is to keep valuables out of sight and to lock your car doors! i get that in an ideal world, this wouldn’t be necessary… but unfortunately, this is so NOT an ideal world! 🙁
Regarding door locking–you’ve given me something to think about. I was taught by my father to live in fear of being robbed, and he was very adamant that doors must be locked. I reflexively lock my doors every time I leave the house, even though I often leave them unlocked while I’m here and awake. I still could not bring myself to leave the door unlocked when I was at work. However, I have tried to really relax my attitude in recent years and try to shed most of the fear I was raised to have.
But then again, if someone really wants to break in, they will, locked or not. Locks are easy enough to pick–back to your point about victim-blaming someone who didn’t lock their house. And I’ve never had a house broken into, or its inhabitants assaulted, while I was living in it. When I moved here, I started seeing that a lot of people didn’t lock their doors and didn’t worry. It was shocking to me at first. I also remember seeing people coming back from stays in other countries and saying “Wow, nobody ever locked their doors in that village! It was incredible!”
Regarding the pregnant friend–I’ve actually worried about what would happen to me if I was pregnant and had to find a job, since I’ve been told, “Nobody’s going to hire someone who’s pregnant.” But I don’t think that’s always true, because I have heard of pregnant women getting hired. Not to mention those women who get pregnant *after* getting hired, go on maternity leave, and keep their jobs. There’s also age discrimination, where supposedly you can’t find a job if you’re older, but older people can and do find jobs. Whether you’re old or pregnant, keep owning those job interviews.
We don’t lock up either, except sometimes at night when we’re all in bed, but not during the day when we all leave. But that’s mostly laziness. We use a glass sliding door as our main entrance, so we want it open when we get home. I was concerned about it a little bit when a previous (violent) roommate moved out and was living across the street and his (violent) friends were still coming over all the time to see him… we definitely locked the doors more often then. But since they’re not RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET and drunk/high all the time to get stupid ideas, it’s less a crime of opportunity and more thought-out. In which case they’re more likely now to break the glass if they’ve bothered to come bother us, so locking the door won’t help.
Multiple previous abodes in Ypsi included doors that didn’t get locked. One we only locked because the door handle wouldn’t latch the door, so the door only stayed closed if it was deadbolted.
I do lock my car. I’ve had previous cars broken into a few times when unlocked, and this is a fairly nice car. The issue is that if your car or house is unlocked and you are robbed, the insurance company is allowed to deny your claim because you failed to protect against being robbed. Thus, the insurance is a wasted money if I’m not going to lock them. I’d rather protect myself and get the money from my renters’ and car insurances if something happens than have paid the premiums and not get anything back for it.
But I see what you’re saying, on all fronts. You save yourself some money if they don’t have to “BREAK” in to rob you. And I would like to live in a world where the risk of robbery is a lot lower than it is. I live half a block off the biggest drug and prostitution area of North Seattle. I’m too lazy to lock my door, but I’ve watched a few people walk down the street testing car doors, so it’s worth it to me to keep that locked.
We dont lock up either – unless its just before bed. The cars are left open (usually because we just forget to lock them), and the house is opened on a morning for all the animals to come and go as they please.
There have been a couple of times where its acted as a negative-thought trigger. We were burgled at the last place we lived in (and guess what – all the doors were locked!), so there was a while where we just didnt feel safe, especially at night. But once that wore off, it was back to open doors.
So yeah – food for thought in your post!
And BTW – that mirror is STUNNING! Love it!
What a thought-provoking post. I lock up pretty obsessively (although I’m quite slack about not leaving posessions on display in the car and have had my windows smashed and stuff taken from the car a couple of times because of this) and one of the reasons I chose to buy an appartment rather than a house was the extra security. And you’re right, it’s probably because I don’t really trust people. All day I work with people who have done terrible things to others and as a result I’m constantly on guard that people may do bad things to me or worst still my precious child or someone I love. I don’t worry about people robbing me because, well in the end it’s just stuff, but I do worry about the other ways people hurt each other. And I don’t even live in a so-called ‘bad area’ where such things happen with regularity. I think my job has fundamentally changed me and how I see the world and sometimes that worries me.
Beautiful pics and updates as ever! Congratulations to your father’s 40 years of sobriety. That’s so powerful and wonderful!
Provocative post with the door locking philosophy!
So I have to say, I do lock up. Everything. We’ve had a car radio taken from our car parked next to the garage in the middle of the night while we were home (you know the lay out of my driveway- so my bedroom is right there!), the one time we forgot to lock it. I’ve sat on my couch and literally watched a guy try the door of every car parked on our street (my car included!). As someone who often carries several hundred dollars worth of supplies in her car, I cannot afford to have them stolen.
I also lock our windows when I leave the house because I know so many folks around me that have had thieves break in and steal their money, laptops, phones, etc. I don’t feel I live in fear of intruders. I just know how hard we work to have the things that we have. The things that make our lives easier and are necessities for our livelihood. And the lay out of our house is so weird, the children sleep far away from our bedroom and I couldn’t hear a thing if someone broke into their rooms at night. *That* does scare the hell out me! So yes, their windows are definitely locked at night, as well as the back door which is right near their rooms.
A good friend of mine (also in Ypsi) just had her car stolen two weeks ago. Single mom to two kids. Car gone just like that. She had to take a cab to work and figure out a way to get the kids to and from school. So sad! So aggravating!
I should add too, that as a kid living out in the country, our house was broken into 3 different times in a few short months. Anything of value was stolen. Family jewelry, tvs, radios, piggy banks, the microwave, our huge grandfather clock (can you imagine?!). Thankfully we were not home or hurt physically, but still, it was devastating. It shakes you up to come home to a ransacked house and to find your things gone. And yes, the house was locked. The thieves got in while we were at work and school, so I see your point about it being potentially useless to lock up.
Still, all these things have shaped my behaviors- of course they have. I don’t live in fear of thieves. I do believe in the mostly good nature of my fellow humans 🙂 – however, I also know what desperation can drive a person to, and I just can’t give them free range to my family or our stuff. A measly pane of glass or a deadbolt is often just enough to deter a fast, slippery hand with bad intentions.
locking up
Mom here. I grew up locking with moderation. We locked up at night, but if one of us teenagers was out, the door was left open until we got home. The doors were all unlocked all day long, and the way I remember it, if we ran errands or something we didn’t always bother, but I could be wrong about that. We locked up whenever we left town.
My parents locked the car when we parked it in town, but not in the driveway or visiting at someone’s house. It was inside the garage at night, but the garage was never locked (that was where we hid an extra house key!), except when we were on vacation, I suppose.
But we raised you right down the street from where you are now. We were robbed twice, as I recall, both times while we were out of town. Once we had accidentally left the sliding door on the side unlocked. The other time the house was locked. It was apparent that the thieves were paying attention.
The insurance issue was relevant the time we left that door open. After the other time, we installed a keyed deadbolt out of reach of the door-window. We’re in a more peaceful neighborhood now, and I don’t think we need to be as cautious as we were at the old house. But I also don’t think this neighborhood is quite as predictable as the one I grew up in. In fact, that neighborhood isn’t as safe as it was then. Sigh.
It’s been said, Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Maybe this is a both-and kind of thing, rather than an either-or.
I don’t lock my house either, unless we’re going out of town or something. I do lock my car, though. I guess, the way I figure it, if someone goes into my house and takes something, they can’t take my whole house with them. With my car, they could just drive the whole thing away!
I’ve been thinking of you as I’ve been working on the new yard a bit! I wanted to ask you about using newspaper to combat weeds. Our new yard has a nice big veggie bed, full of weeds. I pulled all the weeds by hand, but want to lay down newspaper and then cover it with leaves, and just do compost in a corner of it over the winter until I decide on a long-term composting location/process.
How many layers of paper do you lay you down? Is it okay to use shiny paper (ads and stuff) too? What else should I know? 🙂
How great! Yeah, I lay down at least 3 or 4 sheets on top of the soil/weeds. No shiny stuff- although i didn’t worry about color. If it’s got any gloss then I know it’s got some toxics in it that at least keep if from being able to be called “organic”. Keep me updated on what you’re doing!
i’m pretty lax with my door locking considering i live in a metropolitan area. i do always lock up at night but i’ll leave the door open to go walk the dog or walk elly to school. i’ve had friends and family flip out on me for acting like i live in rural area, but idk, it’s like you said… is someone really going to go door to door looking for that one open door?
it’s hard to draw the line between perpetuating distrust and being safe though. when i’m out at the in-laws house (they live an hour outside nyc in a small town), i don’t even think about locking the door. they NEVER lock the house doors or their car doors. in a city of 10 million? it just seems naive not to exercise some caution. it’s hard to establish a good balance between encouraging trust without becoming a bulls eye for harm.