Accepting my limits.
Lately I've been meditating on all the ways I'd like to refine my life. I suppose it has a lot to do with all the things I'm juggling, and all the things I anticipate adding into the mix. Kids, jobs, family, friends, farming, potential founding of a non-profit, doula-ing (soon! Just waiting for that little boy to night-wean…), and everything in between. I just can't make sense of some things in my life any more.
At first I started to see it all in stuff. Too much clutter. I don't need most of what I have, I realized. How did we fill all three floors of this house? I've been less and less inclined to save things when it comes to my monthly purging. I figure, what good is having the stuff if you don't even know you have it? Exactly. I'm better and better about not bringing in new things, too. The only new (to us) stuff we've acquired recently are some sheets, a pair of work boots for Jeff, and some rain barrels. Well, and some fun art and music from Christmas time. But still, it's so much better! I mean, we haven't been "shoppers" for quite some time, but we are scavengers. It's all just feeling a little more intentional in that area.
Then I started to see it in technology and the news. So much clutter to be had there. It manifests in much the same way as household clutter, too. I found that when I was really focused on spending time online, reading about things that are happening worlds away- things that are truly beyond my control- I was often doing it at the expense of my own immediate environment. Like, I'd be looking on facebook at a person that I don't ever see anymore, while my kids were whining for my attention. I'd spend a bunch of emotional energy thinking about how f***ed up our political system is, and how it's got us all trapped into thinking we need it, and then I feel too zapped to be emotionally present for my friends and family right around me. It just all started to seem so ridiculous and irrelevant compared to what I could be doing and what I do have control over. And then I'm so emotionally and mentally exhausted at the end of the day that all I want to do is watch some mindless show to decompress and relax. So imbalanced! How can I end my day with mindfulness and intention, just like I started it?
It has me thinking a lot about my limitations as a human. The monkeysphere, if you will. Read that article. It says it better than I could, really. So enlightening. And really central to what kind of life I'm seeking, lately. I am working to recognize my limitations, and work with them. Now it makes sense when I spend my time caring about people worlds away, I don't feel like I have the energy for my own life. It's simple math, really. Don't get me wrong, I think an individual's capacity for love is great. But now it makes so much more sense why all these loving wonderful people are all shopping for iPhones despite the knowledge of how they are made. And those are the things that get me so upset. Like, why won't people make the necessary changes when they are right in front of us? Thankfully, it's not that people are assholes, it's that we can't care beyond a certain point. Even beyond caring, how are we supposed to DO anything when it's so far away? I have this vision of us all flapping our arms around being outraged, or posting status or journal updates as some kind of a sign that we care, and then nothing happening to better whatever situation it is. We're just talking and feeling and flapping, and that's that. What good is it? Many charities are flawed in this way too. Like, their motives are good, and yet when it comes down to it they take money and spend it on administrative costs- and what money does end up supporting whatever cause ends up being fairly ineffective because… well, we're just too far removed. Like I recently learned about Heifer International. Great idea, poorly implemented because most families that get the animals don't actually know how to care for them. I suppose there is room for improvement there, but you get the point. Sponsoring the building of a well was actually the most effective thing that you could do with your money, charity-wise.
The way to make an ethical life, I'm thinking, is to downsize. Perhaps this is not for everyone, and I can see the importance of someone being an activist for the issues in the Congo, etc. My concern is less about not being able to care, but rather feeling like I want to make a difference in the ways that I can. I want to hone those energies into things that I feel confident will really be good. I don't want to miss opportunities to be present in my own life, and in the life of those around me. Like, the other day, I was out feeding the chickens and my neighbor was out back with his dog. We chatted and joked about how the weather keeps us indoors and we hadn't talked for a month or more. He was sick with a cold. Later that night I was making an enormous pot of soup, as I am wont to do, and realized that I could give him some. So I sent Vera and Jeff next door with a dozen eggs and a quart of soup, and it felt good. It just felt like… solid and simple. I can feed and nurture the people around me kind of good.
It seems like this entry needs a picture… why not some sunshine and earth?
I guess this is the only route that makes sense to me, in light of the craziness in this culture. I hate being trapped into systems that poison and exploit and that we have to do a million hours of research just to know if something that seems great is not toxic. Most of the time, if that answer is not right in front of us, it's a safe bet that it IS toxic and hurts somebody. What a world! It's enough to make you go crazy. And most of us are, at least in this context. So I'm taking small steps to really be a part of my life and my relationships, to find the place where what and who I care about really come together into a physical reality, one that I can truly care for and nurture without making toxic compromises. I have never felt settled with the idea that the world is just on this trajectory that can't be stopped. While that might be true, I just wonder what would happen if we all simplified and slowed down. If we took all that philosophy and talk, all those inspirational quotes rattling around in our heads, all our politics and ideologies, and just brought it into action. If we trimmed off all the unnecessary clutter- the toxicity that distracts us from truly inhabiting our days and relationships- and just tossed that out in favor of a life that we can touch.
Not totally sure how to do that yet, but I'm working on it. Thoughts?
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I’m going to blame hormones, but this made me cry. I needed to read it badly today. So thank you. :*)
Awww! I’m glad you found meaning in it. It makes me so much happier to write it, truly!
A few years ago, when we first started in the allotment, we had all these high ideas about what we were going to put where, and how long it would take and how much we would get back…on and on..
As we had just started out, the allotmenteers rally around and help as much as they can – plumb in the water line, give advice, seeds and stuff they arent going to use that year. you know, just to give you a leg up on the land you are getting to work for you.
One old guy gave us an unbelievably simple explanation to, well, everything.
“Only work a foot a day” – till one foot of land each day, dont push it further. The foot right at your feet – do that one, do it well, dont do so much you lose hope and faith, or are sore and discontented.
Basically, do what you can, and do the bit you are standing on.
That’s wonderful. What a simple and great way to live! Perhaps that really is all we need. Just cultivating one spot at a time, staying present and mindful… Thanks.
I think that while we must all live our own lives it is disturbing to think that a “don’t look, don’t see” model is what is best for humanity.
While it makes our own little “monkeysphere” better, the truth is that we are NOT just our own monkeysphere and pretending like we are can have devastating consequences.
Though I am all in favor of the mantra SIMPLIFY, I am having trouble understanding why anyone would lend credibility to the thought that perhaps those far away people are not as important as we are.
This isn’t to say that caring isn’t difficult or that we must feel a constant guilty or devote x amount of our lives to those outside ourselves. Maybe it is to recognize that we are not more important and to make our decisions, big and small, in just that way.
I totally agree with you. I think all that the “monkeysphere” article is talking about is an explanation as to why these things happen at all. I grapple with that constantly. Why do people say they care, but then don’t make the concrete changes necessary to help said situation? I don’t understand why the people around me don’t make even the simplest changes in light of what’s happening in the world. Like compost. Or not buy fast food. I just don’t get it. But now I understand. We’ve overcomplicated the world and the systems we depend on- so much so that we can’t get a handle on how to fix it. How else can we explain why any of us get into a car each day, with the full knowledge that we could harm someone in a crash, but we are definitely polluting someone’s air. We wouldn’t blow smoke in someone’s face, but have no issue when it’s just a teensy bit more removed. I think this article has a lot of insight into recognizing our limitations, not so that we can be complacent, but so that we can actually care more.
That, I think, sort of outlines a lot of the solution, too. I think about the problems in our world and wonder how relevant they would be if we lived on a smaller scale. Like rape. I mean, rape happens everywhere all the time, but if we lived in little villages and a villager raped someone- chances are the village wouldn’t stand for it, and they would deal with it in really concrete ways. I think of so many issues that, when imagined as a scenario between individuals or even a small group, seems just silly and easy to fix. Someone is poisoning the drinking water? Let’s stop them! I want to contribute to that village mentality, because I see it as a way to fully care about those around me and have a course of action. If I continue to believe that I can care about everyone and every cause, I’m doomed to fail. I really think if we all scaled down to live in tighter more self-sufficient communities we’d see a big change in the world as a whole.
That explanation makes more sense to me. Thank you for the time you took to write it.
The “village” experience sounds wonderful but I guess I feel a little jaded or something. What if someone attacks your village? Or cuts off your water to protect “their” village? Or there is a famine? It only works if everyone agrees to keep to themselves and there is no conflict of interest between villagers or other villages. Seems unlikely. :/
I agree that villages wouldn’t be immune to conflict. I’ve thought about exactly what you’re describing, and I came to the conclusion that even if there was violence and wrongdoing between villages, it would still be better. My logic? Because at least the violence and suffering experienced in those scenarios would have some intention behind it, and thus I think less unnecessary suffering would take place. For example, in this way of life, I look around my house and see many things that I now know were brought to me through slave labor, violence, and exploitation. I almost don’t have a choice but to support systems that do horrible things- things that I would never do. And so, if we lived in little villages and group A stole the crop or water or something from group B, that would be horrible, but at least it would be honest. And then you’d have people who could look directly into the eyes of those that they hurt and decide if it’s worth it. In our way of life? Condoning violence and suffering is as simple as picking up a new pair of jeans from the store… Anyway, just rambling. 🙂