Response to my last post
First, can I just say, I am so grateful for this space to write! I love the feedback I got, and so I decided to address a few things here rather than repeating myself in the comments.
I want to start by saying that in no way do I expect people to be martyrs… if you feel that there are actual threats to your safety, then obviously I agree that you should take whatever precautions you deem necessary. That essay was written solely from my perspective. I live in a fairly safe area- although it's not without crime. I just personally don't see my house and car being locked up to be an actual deterrent for someone trying to steal from us. Like my mom mentioned in the comments, I remember coming home from vacation on two different occasions (just about half a mile up the road from my house) and seeing everything burglarized, down to my piggy bank. So I take certain precautions. Like, I feel like having a dog around has been a good thing. We also rarely leave home for any extended periods of time, and when we do leave overnight we usually have someone stay in the house. So, in my situation, with all of the factors, it made me realize that my compulsive locking of things was more a message of distrust than a real deterrent against crime.
My main point is really in these few sentences that I wrote: Are we perpetuating a culture of distrust? Moreover, is this simple act evidence that we are being distracted from the very real violations that are happening to us on a daily basis- namely a toxic environment, economic and social systems that degrade and exploit people and our landbases, and the continued message from the exploiters that we cannot trust each other. THESE are the things we must guard against, and these are the things that trickle down to us and contribute to interpersonal violence. I started to see locking my doors as a kind of poison for my mind. I needed to stay focused on the real current and widespread violence that affects us all. We also need each other to combat this violence and reclaim our communities. When we daily take actions that contribute to a general distrust of our neighbors, how are we ever to come back together?
For me, I saw that locking up was bad for me and for my connection to those around me. I don't presume to know each person's situation or know how it is that this abusive culture affects them, but I do know that we are all affected. Really I just want us all to take a look at our lives and see ways in which we guard against each other unnecessarily. I want us to look at all the real violence done to us- the toxics that enter our homes and bodies, the messages we get each night in front of the TV, the slavery connected to each item we buy at the store… I could go on and on. This is the violence that permeates our lives, and yet it gets far less attention than the anticipation of relatively unlikely violence done at the hand of our neighbors.
Thoughts?
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I don’t know why but I’ve always been bothered by locked doors and all their other forms: friendslocked posts, cliques, inside jokes, exclusive clubs, cubicle walls, even just feeling walled in will bother me.
Yeah, I think many people are. I never thought about FL entries- I never really do that either! I also had quite the debate on Facebook not long about about the rise in kid-banned places, and that made me super uncomfortable too. So many misplaced barriers!
Dear Grace,
Hi! Long time, no see! I just wanted to write and say that I appreciate what you said about refusing to regard others/the outside world as inherently dangerous and threatening – as something that one needs to protect oneself against. I’m very interested in thinking about relating to others in a way that isn’t so paranoid, distrustful, and, ultimately, violent. There’s an amazing queer theorist named Leo Bersani who talks about rediscovering new ways of relating to oneself and to others. Here’s a clip of Bersani talking about his works, Intimacies and Caravaggio’s Secrets, which explore these ideas. It’s a bit long (half an hour), but really enlightening and I know it’d be right up your alley. Big love to you and your family, Grace!
Best,
Hillary
Locked Doors or Locked Minds?
We lock our doors but I could not be more in tune with your message. I have often thought about how all sorts of our daily interactions separate us from our neighbors instead of bringing us together.
My scattered thoughts have been pondering lately on how friends of mine have expressed doubts about living out in the country like I do. “I couldn’t do it,” they say. They claim that they want to be surrounded by the perks of being in a neighborhood. Yet here I am attending community volunteer activities, evening potlucks & bonfires, sharing my garden, and waving at each passing car while my friends in suburban neighborhoods hardly know one another and certainly never wave hello at passing cars….
I could go on and on but I think the biggest enemy of a community is fear. Fear and mistrust of one another creates an environment of hate and perpetuates even more fear and mistrust.
Mom, again…
Any intentional action that actually makes progress toward restoring a hospitable culture is a good thing. Maybe unlocking doors can help. But I vote for restoring the front porch and using it. When domestic architecture switched to patios in the back (and TV became the after dinner respite) we lost a natural avenue for the accidental hospitality that helps make a neighborhood neighborly.
Of course, your house being on a corner and all, I’ve seen your backyard work just like a front porch anyway!
I often lock out doors because I have a tendancy not to shut the doors all the way otherwise. But I also have a tendancy to leave our doors unlocked, even if we’re not home, if it is easier than trying to find my keys.
When I lived in Montreal (for a few years), I knew that the street I was on had some criminals living on it, but I used to joke with James that the criminals lived on our street and worked elsewhere. There were drug dealers. There were criminals, but there were also so many other people closely together, I felt safe, even while I knew that there were serious problems near. I don’t know. It was like strength in numbers. We couldn’t speak to half the people on our street because we don’t know french, yet as a pregnant woman trying to shovel snow away from my car, others would appear to help. When I cut my foot badly, a French woman across the street came across came and helped me get to the hospital. There was just one thing after another. Someone we didn’t know helped us load furniture into a moving truck as we were leaving. It was incredible community.
My older brother recently had his car robbed… he was travelling, and had left his suitcase in the car and the car unlocked. At first he was angry, when he saw that someone had gone through his stuff. Then he realized that the person left his (my brothers) laptop, his battery charger, his ipod, etc and had taken all his socks and underwear. I’m not sure how to explain that, but apparently his anger disappeared.
Anyway… most of these thoughts are just tangentally related to your post. I really agree with the idea that we have to watch how in our day to day lives we perpetuate bad/unloving/untrusting attitudes.
I agree with your mother that your being on a corner serves as a front porch all around! True! And I couldn’t think of a better family to occupy such a space!
I also find truth in living on the same street as the criminals. Seriously, last week I saw some guys across the street cutting a thick-cabled bike lock off of a few bikes they had carried down the street and brought to their porch. It happened pretty quickly and I was about to call the cops when they cut the cable and tossed all 3 bikes into their apartment. Maybe I still should have called? How to prove anything? I highly doubt it was their gaggle of bicycles chained together. Ugh. Hard stuff. No clear answers, but I do love your posts, ideas, sentiments and intention. xo!
Why I lock
I lock to deter people from walking in to my house and stealing my stuff because it’s part of living in this time/place/culture.
Do you think you would feel the same if you lived in [insert high crime area here].
IMHO you would be better off changing the culture that makes people lock doors and THEN leave your house open. Trying to change the culture by leaving your doors open is backwards.