Polliwog Farm

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All is well so far…

So last night was like the 6th night away from Jeff ever. A little hard to get to sleep, but I slept. I am officially living back at the rent’s now. It’s really nice so far. I decorated my room(totally necessary if I am to retain mental health) with all my fun apt. stuff that I would miss. It’s gonna be great.
I am sure that there will be issues, but overall I ain’t worried. That’s a great feeling considering that I have always had reason to worry. At least in my teen years. It’s a common theme. You don’t get along with your folks until your 20s and sometimes later, but then you’re surprisingly like them. You at least appreciate their contribution to who YOU are.… Continue Reading...

i took a personality test…

Cattel 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Aggressiveness |||||||||||| 38%
Liveliness ||||||||||||||| 42%
Dutifulness |||||||||||| 38%
Social Assertiveness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Paranoia |||||||||||| 34%
Abstractness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Introversion ||||||||||||||| 42%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Independence ||||||||| 30%
Perfectionism ||||||||||||||| 46%
Tension ||||||||||||||| 50%

Here’s what you judge it by:
Cattell’s 16 Factor Key
Factor low score high score
Warmth cold, selfish supportive, comforting
Intellect instinctive, unstable cerebral, analytical
Emotional Stability irritable, moody level headed, calm
Aggressiveness modest, docile controlling, tough
Liveliness somber, restrained wild, fun loving
Dutifulness untraditional, rebellious conforming, traditional
Social Assertiveness shy, withdrawn uninhibited, bold
Sensitivity coarse, tough touchy, soft
Paranoia trusting, easy going wary, suspicious
Abstractness practical, regular strange, imaginative
Introversion open, friendly private, quiet
Anxiety confident, self assured fearful, self-doubting
Openmindedness closeminded, set-in-ways curious, exploratory
Independence outgoing, social loner, craves solitude
Perfectionism disorganized, messy orderly, thorough
Tension relaxed, cool stressed, unsatisfied

So whatever really.… Continue Reading...

overwhelming blessings…

I have been feeling nervous about all the upcoming changes in my life. I’m gonna be moving back home with my folks until Jeff and I get married. It’s only 9 months, but if you are updated on the past with that then ya understand. I have confidence that it will be great, I’ve grown up some, and I think(as disrespectful as it may sound)so have they. The stuff that used to be problematic doesn’t really exist anymore. I guess I just don’t see it as home anymore. It’s actually like this place that’s familiar, but I’ve worked to reinvent my idea of home. I’m also just exhausted of moving. I’ve moved a whopping 12 times since winter 3 years ago, not including this move. I cry every time I move now.… Continue Reading...

Death and other aspects of life…

My great aunt Clara Bell died on Christmas Eve this year. She was 90. She passed away in her sleep. I am going to her funeral on Thursday, and as bad as it may sound- I am mourning the 44,000 that died in Asia more than I am mourning her. I guess with her it’s like, of course, sooner or later… But with this tragedy? I didn’t know anyone, but it’s almost as if I can feel the sadness and grief continents away.
I guess that there is not much of a difference in her passing than there is with anyone elses. But I can’t seem to shake the sadness from all of these people. I can’t imagine how it is there right now. ouch.
Well, I think I understand my own fears about death.… Continue Reading...

After X-mas….

Well, I have survived the first of many shared Christmases with Jeff. Not that I was all that worried about it. It’s just that everyone on his side wants to meet me, and everyone on my side wants to meet him. There was no getting around it this year. That is why we are about to embark on our 6th, yes count them, 6th Christmas. Tired of Christmas? Just wait until you inherit an entire new family. Then we can talk.
Anyhow, it’s been nice. It always passes so quickly. I remember looking forward to everything and now here I am. I’ve met new cousins, new aunts and uncles, even a new grandma. She’s great too. Jeff met the more “intimidating” side of my family last night.… Continue Reading...

It’s HOLIDAY time!!!

Happy holidays y’all. I’m feeling cheery, mainly because I’ve invested some time and effort in some of my presents- so I’m really excited to give them. YAY!
Well, I’ve been thinking more and more about this friend. And I know what to do now! (it always just takes time) So I realized that it would be silly to “not be friends anymore”, because we are friends! The problem lies in abuse that’s happened, flaws in both of our characters that have perpetuated this crap, etc. So I think that the solution is to love her still, but to love myself first for a while. I’ve neglected my needs as far as this friendship goes. I can’t let some of this crap happen anymore. It’s true about the card I pulled yesterday.… Continue Reading...

Well, the time has come to be a grown up.

That’s an interesting concept. We are what we are- always, except people have this idea of what a “grown up” is. Like friends, i guess. We have universal labels for things that are entirely unique. Language is funny like that. It is really the only way we know how to get even close to communicating a feeling. But you never really know if it gets across. You just hope that a nod of the head, or a smile means “oh, I understand how you are and what you’re feeling”.
Language is perhaps the one thing we have in common with anyone. I don’t know if i really believe that, but what else can I know for sure? Like if you see a blue for the word “red”, and another person sees green for the word “red” but “red” exists without their perception, how will one ever know the truth?… Continue Reading...


All I know is that I feel like this is a stupid game. I feel like I’m chasing after this friend all the FUCKING time. I’m tired, and I have no energy to chase anymore. Maybe we are just not good friends. We love each other, but we are not good? It happens all the time in romantic relationships, so why not this one? I guess that the break up is not as easy to see.
Well, that makes me feel sad. I don’t know what will happen, but the ball is in her court and I can’t do much else other than wait and hope that something changes between us. I don’t even understand what happened the other day at all, to me it was just a display of a dysfunctional relationship.… Continue Reading...