Jeff and I went to bed irritated at each other last night (it’s never really a "fight" anymore, just communication glitches it seems). In the early early dark morning, I got up to pee and when I climbed back in bed he held me close we said we were sorry. We decided to make it an "Our Sorry French Toast" kind of morning, and it’s been just the ticket. It’s impossible for us to always see each other fully. We’ve got our egos, our stress, our unfulfilled needs, etc., that hinder our ability to be patient and open with each other all the time. I’m just so grateful that we’ve got the ability and willingness to work on it, because our purpose together is clear. We are together to help each other grow and to keep each other safe in love. The rest just seems like fine print.
This pregnancy has brought up some new issues for me that I’m only starting to identify. I’m feeling some new anxiety, and a resurgence of some old anxiety. Mostly I think it comes down to ironing out my values and really thinking about how to raise these kids. With Vera I focused so intently on pregnancy and birth, and then I was a new mama- which had it’s challenges, but her needs were fairly simple for a while. I have grown with her so much, and I’m sure it will be the same this time around. However, now that I do have a two year old, it’s shaping up to be so much more than just a new baby. I’ve got a better idea of how much spiritual change takes place while dealing with this unique and precious relationship– one that I am really taking seriously. The addition of this new baby, along with Vera being so much more autonomous and herself, has brought about new thoughts and stresses for me that I didn’t anticipate. This is a good thing, I’m sure of it, but I do feel like I have to do some soul-searching and talking about it in order to healthily prepare for our new addition.
Some of the more specific things that I’m thinking about are my own personal quirks (some good, some that need attention and healing), my environmental/spiritual convictions that are starting to require some more action and follow-through, and also working to figure out thoughts on my role as a parent. I guess it’s hard to explain, these wheels have just started turning. Basically, I just want to be a really healthy person and parent. I’m working it out. I’ll probably always be working it out.
Today we also all went to the library and I got some books on building/keeping a greenhouse, and also one on shade gardens (I’m going to totally garden up my front yard). I’m very excited about this stuff! Vera got some Curious George and Beatrix Potter. Then we went to the park with my sister and her kiddos. Vera thinks the park is the most awesome place ever, right now. She loves the swings, she loves the slide, she loves it all. The scratch on her nose is from flinging herself off of a chair onto cement. My girl. Always scratched and bumped and dirt-streaked…
MAX! He’s such a happy sweet beautiful little guy… I can’t believe he’s almost six months already.
Pretending. I love the cute cloth diapers sticking out of each of their pants…
That’s all. Just a nice SPRING day. Happy spring everyone!
Quote of the day:
"Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love." (Kahlil Gibran, On Love)