Polliwog Farm

Latest Posts

overwhelming blessings…

I have been feeling nervous about all the upcoming changes in my life. I’m gonna be moving back home with my folks until Jeff and I get married. It’s only 9 months, but if you are updated on the past with that then ya understand. I have confidence that it will be great, I’ve grown up some, and I think(as disrespectful as it may sound)so have they. The stuff that used to be problematic doesn’t really exist anymore. I guess I just don’t see it as home anymore. It’s actually like this place that’s familiar, but I’ve worked to reinvent my idea of home. I’m also just exhausted of moving. I’ve moved a whopping 12 times since winter 3 years ago, not including this move. I cry every time I move now.… Continue Reading...

Death and other aspects of life…

My great aunt Clara Bell died on Christmas Eve this year. She was 90. She passed away in her sleep. I am going to her funeral on Thursday, and as bad as it may sound- I am mourning the 44,000 that died in Asia more than I am mourning her. I guess with her it’s like, of course, sooner or later… But with this tragedy? I didn’t know anyone, but it’s almost as if I can feel the sadness and grief continents away.
I guess that there is not much of a difference in her passing than there is with anyone elses. But I can’t seem to shake the sadness from all of these people. I can’t imagine how it is there right now. ouch.
Well, I think I understand my own fears about death.… Continue Reading...

After X-mas….

Well, I have survived the first of many shared Christmases with Jeff. Not that I was all that worried about it. It’s just that everyone on his side wants to meet me, and everyone on my side wants to meet him. There was no getting around it this year. That is why we are about to embark on our 6th, yes count them, 6th Christmas. Tired of Christmas? Just wait until you inherit an entire new family. Then we can talk.
Anyhow, it’s been nice. It always passes so quickly. I remember looking forward to everything and now here I am. I’ve met new cousins, new aunts and uncles, even a new grandma. She’s great too. Jeff met the more “intimidating” side of my family last night.… Continue Reading...

It’s HOLIDAY time!!!

Happy holidays y’all. I’m feeling cheery, mainly because I’ve invested some time and effort in some of my presents- so I’m really excited to give them. YAY!
Well, I’ve been thinking more and more about this friend. And I know what to do now! (it always just takes time) So I realized that it would be silly to “not be friends anymore”, because we are friends! The problem lies in abuse that’s happened, flaws in both of our characters that have perpetuated this crap, etc. So I think that the solution is to love her still, but to love myself first for a while. I’ve neglected my needs as far as this friendship goes. I can’t let some of this crap happen anymore. It’s true about the card I pulled yesterday.… Continue Reading...

Well, the time has come to be a grown up.

That’s an interesting concept. We are what we are- always, except people have this idea of what a “grown up” is. Like friends, i guess. We have universal labels for things that are entirely unique. Language is funny like that. It is really the only way we know how to get even close to communicating a feeling. But you never really know if it gets across. You just hope that a nod of the head, or a smile means “oh, I understand how you are and what you’re feeling”.
Language is perhaps the one thing we have in common with anyone. I don’t know if i really believe that, but what else can I know for sure? Like if you see a blue for the word “red”, and another person sees green for the word “red” but “red” exists without their perception, how will one ever know the truth?… Continue Reading...

Sad.

All I know is that I feel like this is a stupid game. I feel like I’m chasing after this friend all the FUCKING time. I’m tired, and I have no energy to chase anymore. Maybe we are just not good friends. We love each other, but we are not good? It happens all the time in romantic relationships, so why not this one? I guess that the break up is not as easy to see.
Well, that makes me feel sad. I don’t know what will happen, but the ball is in her court and I can’t do much else other than wait and hope that something changes between us. I don’t even understand what happened the other day at all, to me it was just a display of a dysfunctional relationship.… Continue Reading...

Crunch time for… EVERYTHING!

Sometimes I just feel like there’s a million and a half things to do before things are okay. Like I’ve unintentionally gone and found myself on a tightrope and the only thing I can think about is getting to safety. I don’t know. Sometimes this feeling can be thrilling, I can feel efficient and alert, but other times I just feel like I should just fall. Today is a good one of those days… Thankfully.
Final tonight, wish me luck!
Other than that, I will leave you all with a daily affirmation from the “Gifts of the Goddess”:
[spirit]
I CONTROL MY LIFE WITH THE DECISIONS THAT I MAKE.
Use this gift when you believe you life has spun out of your control. The root of most problems is poor decision making.… Continue Reading...

A new weakness…

I just discovered something! I just caught myself resenting someone for something they didn’t do. I told this person something very personal a few days ago, and since then I have looked at them like a stranger. How weird!?! Anyways, I think that it’s because I haven’t totally coped with the issue that I shared. I think I might feel a little embarrassed. I dunno. It’s not fair of me to resent this person for my shit.
Other than that, my aunt has a tumor the size of a lemon in her abdomen. I don’t really know how I feel about that. I love her. That’s all I can do. And pray.
Work is good. But slow today. I’m having trouble focusing on anything because I’ve been working in Excel all friggin day!… Continue Reading...

Sometimes, there are people in the world that have a hard time being able to function with others. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it usually takes an understanding and patient person to “get them”. I think that’s what I was trying to do. I thought that it would be nice to spend some time with the guy. Get to know him on a more personal level. But before I knew it, it was the most uncomfortable experience and no one was there to rescue me. Now I’m faced with some choices. I can either pretend that I wasn’t uncomfortable at all and hope that all blows over, or I can delve into it like an invested new daughter should.
I don’t know how to be someone else’s daughter!… Continue Reading...